Praise In Spite of Pain

Video of Cheyenne Hope

2010-08-01T04:26:00.000-07:00

Here is a little video that we took of Cheyenne a few weeks ago. Every morning (for weeks) she has gotten out of bed and immediately asked if today was her 'mouse dirthday'!! She is longing to have a Minnie Mouse birthday party :)

Her 2nd birthday was actually on Friday, although her little party isn't until Monday on daddy's day off from work. I will be posting more pictures and videos after her party. For now, enjoy this little clip of her getting all excited about swimming :)

Please Pray For This Precious Family

2010-07-17T06:23:00.000-07:00

Please lift this family up in prayer...

Yet another family is faced with the terrible pain of having to bury a child...oh how my heart aches for these young parents.

On July 9th, their precious 18 month old daughter fell into a canal. Little Preslee fought long and hard...

Today she is in the arms of our Heavenly Father.

Please lift Patrick and Ashely, as well as their family in prayers as they head down the difficult journey through grief.

((I dont know if I can actually link to their blog..im not very savy with this technical side of blog land yet..so you might have to cut and paste if it doesn't work. here is their address, please pray for them... http://patrickandashley.blogspot.com

Liberty = Freedom

2010-07-04T04:39:00.001-07:00

Happy 4th of July everyone!

I wish I had some catchy post for today. I wish I could write about important facts and history for this very special day. However, today isn't going to be 'that' day.

My 'mothers heart' is coming through today. You see, today is a very important day for our little family on so many levels. July 4th holds so much meaning to us and can often bring tears to our eyes.

You see..We actually had Liberty's name picked out way, way before we knew that she was on her way! We had Liberty's name picked out when we were pregnant with Aspen..yes, two years prior to becoming pregnant with Liberty - we knew what her name would be!! So when we found out in October 2006 that we were indeed pregnant again, we immediately knew her name would be Liberty! Yes, we still had to wait many, many months to find out we were officially having a girl - but something deep inside our hearts told us our second born child would be a girl and that she was meant to have the name Liberty. Looking back now, I know that 'something' was indeed God. It was His still, quiet voice that brought us to the name Liberty.

I remember the day we found out we were pregnant with Liberty. I remember sitting with Brett calculating the due date. We were BEYOND excited to be pregnant! We immediately began planning and day dreaming about our newest little princess to be. We laughed and giggled that we already had HER name picked out - she wasn't here and yet she already had a place in our family.

I will never forget the moment the computer pulled up her due date;

JULY 4, 2007

We looked at each other and burst out laughing..how very fitting that our sweet baby, two years in the making (so to speak) would have the name Liberty and would have the due date of July 4th!! We immediately knew this was no coincidence - this was far too big - this truly was something amazing! We knew God had something very special planned for our sweet Liberty..and yet, we didn't have a clue as to the magnitude of these plans.

Liberty didn't reach her due date. She was born on May 24th after a very rough pregnancy. I remember when her actual due date rolled around. Libby was still at Children's Mercy Hospital. Brett and I brought Liberty balloons for the 4th of July. We wanted her to be part of the celebrations coming that day - even though she was still in the NICU. We spent a lot of time getting Liberty dressed up that day. I put a little dress on her. It was red with little white stars. This outfit was so precious to us because Aspen had also worn it.

((Aspen and Liberty weighed the same at birth. They both weighed 3lbs. 11oz and were both 17 1/2 inches long. They were both preemies and both born in the month of May))

After getting Liberty in her dress and putting a little white headband on her - we took some pictures. Then we spent some time holding her, kissing her and thanking God for her. She was so tiny and so precious. We always prayed over her before we left..and today was no different. We had been praying for many weeks that she would reach 5lbs. The doctors needed her to reach 5lbs so they could do surgery on her to place a feeding tube in her stomach. Well we found out that she finally hit that 5lb mark, so surgery was scheduled right after the 4th of July holiday. I remember the anticipation of this surgery. The doctors explained to us that she would have this surgery, we would learn how to feed her through the feeding tube and then she would finally get to go home with us. Honestly, taking her home was the only thing I could focus on. I didn't allow myself to focus on the fact that we would not get to give our baby bottles, or watch her make a mess out of baby food..or that she might not have a bite of birthday cake on her first birthday. All that really mattered to us was to get this sweet girl home so we could once again be a family. I will never ever forget this particular 4th of July holiday because it was the only one we ever got to spend with our sweet daughter...

I remember I cried as we left the hospital that day. I basically cried every day I left the hospital without her in my arms. It's not an easy thing to carry a child for 34 weeks, deliver the baby and then spend the next few months leaving the hospital without that child. Holidays and special occasions made leaving the hospital even more difficult. I desperately wanted Liberty to be at home with us. I desperately wanted our baby to be safe and sound in her crib. I wanted to spend the 4th of July in celebration, at home..WITH our baby girl. But more than anything I wanted our baby to be healthy. I didn't want to see her suffer another day. I didn't want to see her tiny body fight for life each day.

It has been three years since that very special 4th of July and looking back, thinking about her name...thinking about her due date..thinking about what today means...

everything comes to mean one thing;

FREEDOM

We are free on so many levels because we live in America. I could not even begin to imagine living somewhere else. We are free thanks to countless men and women who serve our country. Brett and I spent our first year of marriage in the Air Force. Being a military family is NO easy task...it's a whole lot of 'give' and very little 'take'. I am so very thankful for the families who continue to give so the rest of us can be free. Our freedom gives us so much to be thankful for each day!!

And even though we do have freedom here...nothing could possibly beat the freedom that Liberty received the day she went to Heaven. No amount of freedom will ever be able to top that of which our Father gives to us. Liberty is comepletely free of pain. Her little body no longer has to fight. Liberty is completely free of heartache and tears. Liberty is completely free from sadness, confusion, guilt, anger, exhaustion, worry..the list could go on and on! Liberty has been completely set FREE!!!!

So even though my mommy heart is missing her today...I am thankful for the freedom she is experiencing each and every day! I look forward to the day when the rest of us will rejoice in Gods everlasting freedom!!!

Liberty's Wagons...leaving a trail of love behind!

2010-04-28T14:54:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone!

We wanted to share something very special with you. This is a fundraiser we have put together in memory of our sweet baby girl Liberty Lee. This will be our first year of "Liberty's Wagons" though we hope to continue it on her birthday each year. Please feel free to email this on to family and friends, as well businesses, churches, facebook, myspace and blogger accounts,etc! God bless and thank you so much for your time!

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Liberty's Wagons…

On May 24th our precious daughter, Liberty , would be turning 3 years old. Sadly, we will not have the opportunity to celebrate this very special birthday with her.

When thinking about the best way to celebrate the life of our daughter, we came up with the idea of " Liberty 's Wagons"! You see, Libby spent 4 of her 5 months of life at Children's Mercy Hospital in Kansas City . She died of a very rare genetic disorder; so rare that there is no known medical documentation for it. During her time at the hospital she took countless rides in their wagons going to and from various procedures and tests. It made getting around the hospital easier and made it feel a little more like home.

Now, three years later, we can only dream of giving Liberty a bright, shiny wagon for her birthday. Instead, in Liberty 's honor, we are raising money to donate wagons to children's hospitals. We see this as a wonderful way to sprinkle little bits of love to other families facing hardships. Our goal is to donate 10 wagons. The cost of each wagon is $217. We are hoping to raise a total of $2,170.; so even a one dollar donation would be a tremendous blessing! Would you please consider making a donation on Liberty 's behalf?

Here is a video we put together in memory of Liberty Lee...

If you would like to make a donation towards Liberty ’s Wagons please click on or copy and paste the following link ~ or simply click on the ChipIn link at the top of this post!

http://libertyswagons.turnerfamily.chipin.com/libertys-wagons

Please feel free to spread the word of Liberty ’s Wagons to friends and family!

God bless

Brett, Kelly, Aspen , Cheyenne and Savannah Turner

Liberty's Wagons, leaving a trail of love behind....

My three little ladies...

2010-04-22T12:45:00.000-07:00

Here are some new pictures I took of the girls a few weeks ago. I cannot believe how fast they are growing....oh how my heart glows because of my sweet ladies!

I can't wait to frame these and hang them in our dining room!!

My soon to be 5 year old Princess Aspen!

My lovely little pumpkin..Cheyenne Hope!

My littlest lovebug, Savannah Faith!

Hope after Heartache

2010-04-18T10:14:00.000-07:00

A dear blogging friend of mine named Kristin has had a deep impact on my life... especially after reading her latest post.

From the outside looking in you would assume that all was well with her family. If you walked into her home you would see pictures hanging across her wall - beautifully portraying happy memories. You would see picutes of her and her husbands wedding day. The pretty white gown...sleek black tux and vows of foever. You would find pictures of the moment she gave birth to her beautiful precious twins. One boy and one girl - a dream come true for anyone!

But we all know life isn't always as it appears to be...

from the outside looking in.

You see Kristin and her two little ones have experienced terrible heartache. Kristins beloved husband and very best friend suffered from Cystic Fibrosis. His strength and determination impressed everyone who had the pleasure of meeting him, and even those who didn't get the chance to meet him in person - like myself. Ryan certainly fought hard each and every single day, sadly his lungs couldn't withstand against the CF. Ryan was called home by our Lord on June 6, 2008.

Since then, Kristin has pushed foward, through the pain and heartache. Her strength in the Lord is an insperation to all who meet her. She openly shares her heart with the rest of us, blessing us along the way. She goes above and beyond to care for and raise their beautiful little children 24/7.

You see..grief is NOT an easy thing to journey through. It comes knocking and you have NO choice but to answer. It often hits when you least expect it, leaving you feeling confused, frigtened and weak. But you wouldn't realize this - from the outside looking in because Kristin continues to march on.

Kristin is in the process of doing a fundraiser called Great Strides. She is raising money to find a cure for CF. None of her efforts will ever bring her precious husband or the father of their children back - but there is great hope for other families living with the devestation that this disease can bring. Please join Kristin as she raises money for this wonderful cause!!

Today she posted a message on her blog titled Whose Face Do You See. It gives a wonderful testimony of the Mighty God we serve and her strength to carry on with Hope! Please stop by and show your support and pray about donating to Great Strides in memory of a wonderful Husband, father, son, brother and friend.
http://sweeney4.blogspot.com/

April 9, 2004 (6 years and counting...)

2010-04-08T19:21:00.000-07:00

Six years ago...
*Brett and I flew to Jamaica
*Picked the flowers, cake and location for our ceremony
*Counted down the days, hours and minutes until our BIG DAY

Six years ago...
*My dad walked me down the isle
*Gave away his only daughter
*Probably fought back many tears
Six years ago...
*My mom watched me grow from a young woman to a wife
*Watched her only daughter move 500 miles away from home
*Shed many tears

Six years ago...
*I stepped out on a leap of faith
*Married a beautiful, loving, hard working, Christian man
*Began the next chapter of my life

It's hard to believe it has been 6 years since we said 'I do'. I was 21 years old, Brett was 26 years old. We thought we had it all figured out back then. We honestly loved one another and that was all that mattered. We were beginning our very own perfect fairytale, working towards forever.

Looking back I am so very thankful to God for bringing Brett into my life and my heart. It was no small chance that we even met. Brett was just in town for the weekend on the night we met. At that time he was actually stationed at an air force base 500+ miles away. I honestly believe it was 'love at first site' for both of us because from that night forward we were basically inseparable (you know... despite there being 500+ miles separating us! lol) There is no doubt in my mind that God led us to another another and there is also no doubt in my mind that Brett led me towards God.

Six years ago I couldn't have even told you who Jesus was. I had heard of Jesus, yes..but I didn't really KNOW Jesus. We started reading the Bible together, going to church, praying with and for one another..etc. My love for God quickly grew and it was clear to see just how much I had missed out on all of those 21 years of my life prior to meeting Brett! I felt such a sense of worth when I read Gods "love letters" (aka; the Bible) - like I had finally found a place in this world. Life in general was starting to make more sense to me and certainly had a more profound meaning to it all.

I meant every word I said as we committed ourselves to God and one another on the day of our wedding. I took those vows to heart on so many levels. I meant when I said "for richer, or poorer...in good times and in bad..in sickness and in health..til death do us part" - though certainly nothing could have prepared me for the story that was yet to be written.

In the past six years we have;
Dealt with terrible financial hardships...
Been blessed with 4 absolutely beautiful daughters...
Made many joyous memories...
Laughed so hard we cried...
Loved when it didn't even feel right or easy...
Had the foundation of our marriage leveled to the ground...
Cared for a very sick little baby for 5 solid months...
Helplessly watched as she took her last breath...
Felt the sting of death as we said our goodbyes...
Found comfort in knowing that the "whys" won't matter when we see her again...
Kept pressing forward when we wanted to give up...
Moved at least 9 times...
Fought without words...
Fought with words...
Almost lost another baby due to a heart problem...
Started over from scratch...
Felt the burn of depression...
Made priceless memories...
Still learning to forgive without having to forget...
Still working on trust each and every day...
Still trying to love, laugh and smile even when its difficult...
Felt the tremendous amount of joy of having a healthy, full term baby...
Started to feel the warmth of the SON even when its raining...
Still working hard at loving selflessly...
Learned that sometimes its better to crawl along rather than make a mad dash...
Learned that the heart of a man can have more impact than the mouth of a man...
Witnessed that Gods hands are bigger than any of our problems...

And last but not least we have learned...

That we still have a lot of learning left to do!!!

(((To my darling husband. I love you. I love being your wife and the mother of your children. I love walking hand in hand with you through this wonderful, confusing, sometimes heart wrenching journey called life. My love for you is so much deeper than I ever could have imagined. Thank you for being you. Thank you for loving me and these precious little girls each and every day. We love you to the 'moon and back'!! X's and O's)))

"Mr and Mrs"

"April 9, 2004"

"Can't figure out why we are sideways, but still love this picture! lol"

"I DO"

"Dipping our toes"

"Feeling like a princess"

"Washing away the sand"

"Honeymoon"

Ask Seek Knock...

2010-03-17T20:22:00.000-07:00

Ask...seek...knock and it shall be open to you Luke 11:9

I have been doing a lot of 'asking, seeking and knocking' lately. I find myself still in the depth of this pit - desperately wanting to escape, yet wondering if I will ever be completely free from it. Wondering that even once I am able to climb up and out of it, if it will still be there - lingering in the distance, waiting to swallow me again. I know that God has the strength to carry me through this. I know this first hand because He has carried me through the past two years. Slowly I am having more good days. Slowly I am learning to smile and laugh again. Slowly I am learning about the person behind this 'mask'...the girl who was suddenly tossed into the pit two years ago. Slowly but surely - so they say.

As of lately I have found myself getting so irritated by this whole situation. Of course, as any grieving mommy - I wish things would have turned out differently. I wish she wasn't chosen to have this particular journey - I wish she were here in my arms, healthy and happy. I wish I had the chance to see her grow up with her sisters. I wish I could watch her daddy dance with her - spinning her around like Cinderella at the ball. I wish I could fix things for me, for her, for my family. But this isn't quite where my frustrations are coming from right now. For the moment (okay the past few months..) they have circled around the fact that I am not feeling 'better' about things yet. I get so flustered, that I feel so..flustered. I don't want to hurt like this. I don't want to sit and sob. I don't want to think about all the 'what if's' and 'if only's. I don't want to feel so broken inside and so weak on the outside. I don't want to toss and turn at night with the memories of her dying in my arms. I don't want to force myself to think of her all day every day, so that I don't forget anything about her. I don't want to explain to anyone that we really have 4 DAUGHTERS, NOT 3! I don't want to dread her birthday coming up again. I don't want to have to think of ways to console Aspen when she is bawling in bed at night because she is afraid that we will all forget her baby sister. I simply don't want to be part of this journey. It's TOO HARD. It's TOO MUCH TO HANDLE. It's TOO FRIGHTENING. It's TOO CONFUSING. It's been TOO BITTER and NOT ENOUGH SWEET!

I ask God to forgive me each and every day. I ask Him to please forgive me of my weaknesses, my insecurities (in myself and in Him), I ask Him to forgive me of my anger and my bitterness. I ask Him to forgive me of all of my sins - even the ones that I don't seem to notice at the time.

I seek God for an answer..knowing full and well that I will not get one on this side of Heaven - and also knowing that once I get to that side of Heaven it will no longer matter to me. She will be there. I will be there. Together we will be with Him and nothing else will matter. But for now, for today..for this moment it does matter. It matters so very much. I seek God for strength. Anyone who has lost a child knows that it is a challenge to get out of bed each morning. And yes, even when you have other children to take care of - its still a challenge. There is still a piece of your heart that wants nothing more than to hide your head under those nice, comfy covers. To escape from the day to day grind of life and all the unknowns that lie ahead. I seek God for guidance. It's been almost three years since she died and yet my mind is still in this whirlwind state. Days are flying by so fast that I lose all track of time. I didn't even know it was St. Patty's day today. Normally I would have my kids dressed in pretty green dresses - planning some cute green treats to snack on, and some cute green crafts to make. Not this year - I didn't even know it was that time of year again!

Can't say that I have really been 'knocking' lately. As of lately I feel like I have been POUNDING. Pounding on that door - begging for some relief, for some reassurance, for some peace. Thinking about it now - looking over the past few days I am able to see that I have gotten little bits and pieces of relief. God has shown me things here and there to ease the pain within my tender, broken heart. God has given me moments of laughter with Brett and the girls. God has granted me peace in those moments I stop and think about spending eternity with Him and with her - and with Brett and the girls. And I suppose I am getting reassurance through Brett and the girls when they tell me they love me and that I am special to them. The days when I feel like I have failed miserably happen to be the days where Aspen wraps her arms around me and smothers me with kisses.

This pit isn't my favorite place to be by any means so I will continue to Ask, Seek and Knock. And I am sure that God will continue to Answer, Enlighten and Open...

*****************

I do have one little request from all of you lovely ladies - before I wrap this up. Could you please keep us in prayer? Could you please pray for me to have the strength to keep moving forward day after day? Could you please pray for Brett as he does goes above the 'call of duty' by holding this family together - even in the midst of sorrow? Could you please pray for Aspen as she grieves for her baby sister? Could you please pray for our other girls as they feel the ripples from all of these waves going around us right now? And one more thing...we are working on a small fundraiser in Liberty's honor - could you please pray for us to see this through? I am struggling with simply asking for donations - I get nervous about even bringing it up to our parents - not knowing how they will feel about any of it, since they have kind of taken the 'move on with life' approach to our precious girl. I want to make a donation in Liberty's name to the hospital where she spent 4 of her 5 months - yet im scared to ask for help in doing this. I know in the end that it will help other children greatly - but im feeling anxious about all of it at the same time - so will you please pray for peace as we finish wrapping things up?!? I promise I will be posting all of the details on here for the fundraiser very soon!! Once I work through these aprehensions...ugh.

I suppose I should go for now. It's late and my precious hubby just walked through the door after a long night at work!

Thanks in advance for the thoughts and prayers and for always being my 'listening ear' - you all are wonderful.

Hugs!
Kelly

Ps. I just have to post some pics of the girls! Its been far too long!!

Savannah Faith 2 Months Old taking a nap...Soooo precious!

Savannah Banana 3 months old - such a happy little one

Sweet baby

Aspen and Cheyenne at the dentist

Sweet Sisters

The "Cheye-ster"

Cheyenne Hope 1 1/2 years old

The girls on Valentines Day

I couldn't resist putting one in of our sweet angel baby Liberty Lee

Lost in the pit...

2010-02-19T05:32:00.000-08:00

Lately, I have fallen off the 'blogging band wagon'

I have worried that what I have been feeling inside was not a *proper* way to feel..that it would be deemed unacceptable. And honestly I didn't want to sound like "Debbie Downer"...

So at first, I put on my mask. I put on my happy face and my kind words. I did my best to make it appear that things were just fine. That following Liberty's death I was able to bounce back - no questions asked.

That was too hard. I felt so fake and truly began to lose myself behind this mask. So I dumped the mask....

and my blog.

I didn't want people to think terrible things about me. I didn't want people to question my faith. I didn't want people to think that I have no faith, no hope, and no trust in my Heavenly Father. So instead of pretending - I just disappeared.

I will admit I have good days. I have days where I am filled with joy. I have days where my heart is at peace - where I have somewhat accepted the fact that this is my story, that this is the plan for my life. I have days of laughter...which truly says a LOT for a mother with a broken heart.

But this means that I also have hard days...very hard days. Days where the mask won't 'go on' no matter how hard I try. Where I couldn't force myself to hide the tears and put on that smile if I had to. Today is one of those days...

My heart aches. Losing a child is a pain that is often undescribable. A pain most will never ever have to endure, thankfully. A pain that can consume every inch of your body. There truly are days where my arms ache just to hold my 12lb. baby again. Savannah is 12lbs right now. It is bittersweet to hold her in my arms. I look at her and I see so many things that remind me of Liberty. Her blue eyes - so deep and pure. Her cute little nose and a tiny, pink birthmark on her eye lid...these traits are ones she got from her 'big' sister...traits that have a way of taking me back. I am soooo thankful for Aspen, Cheyenne and little Savannah. To say my girls are blessings is a HUGE understatement. I love them so very much - "to the moon and back" as we say in this house...And though my love for them is as wide as the ocean - so is the ache inside my heart for the one who is no longer here.

It's been nearly three years since Liberty was born. To think that she would be a bouncing, bubbly little three year old is beyond my wildest imagination. I haven't seen her since she was a tiny 12lb. 5 month old. So that is all I know. That is how I remember her, and yet to think she would be celebrating her third birthday this May...oh my. We have encountered so many people who think I should be 'over' this by now. People who assume 'the worst is over'. People who think life should have fallen back into normal once again. People who assume that those wounds are healed...because, as they say, "time heals". Unfortunately, that is not the case for me.

We have had so much going on since Liberty died...I never felt like I had the opportunity to 'sit and grieve'. We have had two precious baby girls in the two years since she died. We have moved several times. And, Brett has changed jobs. It's been somewhat of a whirlwind...

Now we are settled. Things have slowed down, in a sense. And I have had time to sit and reflect. My heart has had a chance to yearn for the baby who stole it away... oh how I miss my girl. To feel her skin against my fingertips...to smell her sweet scent. To touch her hands and feel them wrap around my finger. To look into her deep blue eyes and feel her breath against my face - these are the things I miss each and every single day. These are the things that cause me to break down and cry. These are the things that make it hard to crawl out of bed each morning.

Oh yes, I know that I am so very lucky to have three other little girls to experience this with - trust me, I know. I know this all to well now because I have experienced what it feels like to be without. So many times people treat me like I have forgotten how blessed I am for the other three...because I am *still* grieving. What many people don't understand is that there is and will always be only ONE Liberty. She is irreplaceable - just like my other daughters. She was a part of this family. She had her very own place in our family tree. She didn't share that place with anyone. She was our second born daughter and now that spot is void. Cheyenne wasn't born to take the place of Libby. She isn't here to fill that spot of being the second born child. She is our third born baby girl. Just like Savannah isn't the third...she is the forth, though most people don't know that just by looking at our family. From the outside looking in, our family is 'perfect'. "How special, three little girls" as people say as we shop for groceries. What they don't understand is that there should be 4 girls. One is missing. There is a hole in our family...and in our hearts.

There are days where I wish I could simply where some kind of sign around my shoulders. A sign that tells of our family dynamics. It's hard when people make comments like "poor dad, surrounded by three girls" or "geeze dad, are you gonna keep trying for that boy or have you given up??" I never know quite what to say. I have found that when we tell people about our little Libby that they feel bad.. they get embarressed for their comments..and then silence fills the air. But when I say nothing - when I just 'laugh' it off, I feel guilty. Like I am denying a gift that was and still is so very precious to our family. So I am at a loss..it's the whole story of putting on a mask. In the morning I think to myself "okay which mask will look best with this outfit"....*sigh*

Why is it so hard for grieving mothers to take off that mask? Why is it so hard for us to be HONEST..completely, brutally honest? Why do we always have to take the 'high road' and act as though we are just fine - even though our lives have been turned upside down and inside out? Why is it exceptionally hard to be a Christian mother..with a broken heart? Why do we feel the need to hide our tears and our pain? Why do we feel weak if we let someone see the pain we have inside? Why does it feel wrong, as a Christian, to grieve? Did Jesus not weep? Did God not have to watch His only beloved Son suffer? God gets it - so why doesn't the rest of the world...especially other Christians? It's more acceptible to talk about the pain of divorce than it is to talk about the pain of losing a child, a spouse or a parent!

There are times I think "goodness, I hope they don't think I am weak. I hope they don't think I am lacking faith, etc". You know what - I am weak. I do have times where my faith wavers. I am not a picture perfect wife, mommy, friend or Christian. I have more faults than one could possibly count.

Liberty died and my world crumbled. I don't have the strength within me to hold it all together. In fact, there isnt' a mask strong enough to keep the tears from falling. There are days I feel angry. There are days where I literally cry (out loud) to my Father above and ask him WHY? WHY HER? WHY ME? WHY US?...There are days I wish I could just bury my head under the covers and mourn. There are days when the pain feels like it is going to crush me...where I feel like I will never ever climb out of this pit.

There are days where I am;

Lost
Confused
Tired
Weak
Emotional
Drained
Suffering

Does this make you question my faith? Does this make me question my faith? Are these things *acceptible*? Am I still a Christian? Do I still have hope? I am a grieving mother...and a grieving wife...and a grieving friend...and a grieving "Christian"

The list of weaknesses could go on for miles - but I am still a child of God. I believe it is in our time of trials that we are able to grow the most. I pray that God is moving me and making my heart grow. I know that God loves me and will continue to see me through, each day..every step of the way. God not only knows the number of hairs on my head - he has counted each and every single one. He certainly is a God of love. He truly knows ALL. So why do we hide ourselves - our weaknesses - from the rest of the world? Why not use these weaknesses to try and help out another? Why not embrace these fiery trials hand in hand..instead of condeming?

I pray that I can continue to shed the mask I have placed on myself. I pray that the TRUE me continues to shine through because that is where God is..He is not behind this happy mask - He is right there with me, even when I find myself in the deepest pit - he is there and He is strong.

I would ask that you please continue to pray for our family as we continue down this journey....

In His Love,
Kelly

Photoshopin' away...

2010-01-08T07:31:00.000-08:00

For Christmas my dear hubby surprised me with Photoshop! I am so excited to try it out, although I really truly have NO clue what I am doing!! Here is my first attempt...

Original photo of Aspen Lee at the fair...

My first adventures in Photoshop!

Cheyenne at my parents house right before we moved to Texas...11 months old

after photoshop!

Savannah with her GIANT bow!

So this is only the beginning...I am in LOVE with making the pics very b*r*i*g*h*t as you can tell! :0) I cannot wait to learn more and more about this amazing program. I am sure I will have lots of fun sprucing up photos of my babies!!

Gotta love technology (once you learn how to use it of course! lol)

Reflections...

2010-01-03T06:39:00.000-08:00

Wee Little One...

It's hard to believe that 2009 is complete.

It's hard to believe that we are already 3 days into the new year.

As I sit here and think about the past year I am amazed at the things that unfolded for our family....

In March we put our house on the market. 10 days later it had a SOLD sign in the front yard! We spent the next three months living between two houses (my parents and Brett's)..'patiently' waiting for God to open up the doors which would allow us to move to Texas. I say 'patiently' because I fell short many times during those three months! Looking back, its easy to see how weak we become when we base things on our own timing verses Gods...During this time we were shocked to find out we were expecting another little blessing! Again, we can refer to Gods timing verses our own!!

In April we celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary. This anniversary was filled with a wide range of emotions. We were in the middle trying to correct and repair past mistakes, and move forward towards forgiveness. I can honestly say we have come a LONG way through the year. Our marriage is on a whole new level these days! We have learned that there has to be a whole lot more of God and a whole lot less of us in order for us to experience true love!

In May we were blessed to celebrate Aspen's 4th birthday! I cannot believe our first born is now 4 1/2 years old. We have learned so much about our girl in 2009. We have learned that she is full of SpUnK! We have learned that she has BIG heart for God! We have learned that she loves to learn Gods word and apply it daily! We have watched her grow more and more independent. We have watched her grow into a little lady who loves to help others! She loves being the big sister and prays that our family will continue to grow!

May was also a very bittersweet month for us as we 'celebrated' Liberty's birthday. The last time I held her she was 5 months old and weighed 12lbs..so it's hard to even imagine Libby at two years old. The day itself was very hard. Unfortunately we found ourselves at the cemetery alone, once again. It is hard to face such heartache without the love and support of family. Knowing that we could have been surrounded that day..instead everyone chose to stay away. Some were at work, some were at the lake for memorial day weekend, others were at home - yet nobody chose to join us at the cemetery. It still hurts us deeply that nobody even mentioned her name - but we are slowly learning to accept it... I must admit that these things are easier to accept when we are 500+ miles away from everyone. Through their lack of support we are learning more and more about leaning on God for support - for this we are very thankful!

June was a big month for us. At the beginning of the month we moved to Texas! We spent 3 weeks in a hotel. Yes, all 4 of us in one hotel room for three weeks! It was certainly an adventure to say the least. We tried our best to be creative in our small space..doing things like filling the room with bubbles using a bubble machine, making a countdown calendar and even celebrating daddy's birthday in the hotel! At the end of the month we signed the final paperwork and moved into our brand new home! What a joyful day that was for all of us! We suddenly had more space than we knew how to fill.

July we found out we were having our 4TH GIRL!! We were beyond thrilled - especially daddy! He certainly has a heart for daughters ;0) We spent lots of time in the swimming pool and at swimming lessons. Aspen loved going to her lessons each day and had no problem doing all that was asked of her! Her favorite part was going down the big water slide at the end of each lesson! She faced her fears head on during these lessons, especially when it came to the slide! Cheyenne quickly became our little water baby and really did look forward to the class. She was the youngest in the class but overall did a great job. She even enjoyed going under water, although I wasn't so thrilled with this 'event' each day! lol It put my nerves on edge to say the least. At the end of July Cheyenne Hope turned 1! We have watched our baby girl turn into this bubbly little toddler right before our eyes. It has been bittersweet watching her do all the things Liberty never got to do - a blessing beyond belief. Cheyenne is a beautiful little girl inside and out. Her big brown eyes and sweet dimples can melt any heart. She loves to giggle and is my constant sidekick! She doesn't like more than 3 feet separating us at all times
:0)

October was another bittersweet month. We 'celebrated' Liberty's angel day by taking the girls to Boomerangs (an indoor bounce house place). My heart found joy watching Aspen and Cheyenne in giggling fits - yet ached at the same time as I desperately wished Liberty could have joined them. The next day was my birthday.. we didn't do much that day. I was sick with strep throat and bronchitis. I spent the next few days on the couch resting. Then we took the girls trick-or-treating on Halloween night. Aspen was our SpUnKY cheerleader and Cheyenne was a little ladybug..in memory of her big sister Libby. Again..bittersweet memories that I will always hold near and dear to my heart.

November was a blessed month and we had so much to be thankful for! Savannah was born just days before Thanksgiving!! The moment she was born was unlike any other. That very moment was unbelievable for me... for the first time since Liberty died I experienced PURE JOY! It truly was a moment from the Heavens above. I will never ever forget that feeling I am certain. Most people would think I would have experienced that same thing with Cheyenne - unfortunately I didn't. We found out we were pregnant with Cheyenne just one month after Liberty died. At that point in my life I was pretty numb to everything and everyone. Then we found out at 27 weeks along that Cheyenne might not survive the pregnancy because of her congenital heart defect.. This was a LOT to take in following everything we had just gone through. I went in weekly for ultrasounds to see if she was still alive - which made the numbness set in even deeper - if that makes any sense. I think I was so afraid of losing her that I just turned everything off - my heart was suddenly set to autopilot. When Cheyenne was born I was so relieved that she was alive and appeared to be healthy - yet there was still fear in the back of my mind that something was not right. After several trips to the ER and a few nights in the hospital they confirmed that she had SVT...slowly I started to work my way back up from the pits. Bit by bit I felt myself falling in love with our little beauty and certainly couldn't imagine our life without her! Savannah on the other had was a different story. For the first time I had a COMPLICATION FREE pregnancy! For the first time I had a FULL TERM BABY! For the first time I felt NOTHING BUT PEACE AND JOY upon her arrival! Truly a different experience. Not to mention I was in a different place myself - I was no longer numb to the world. I was no longer on autopilot...God was helping me to crawl out of the pit of despair - through Him I was learning how to live again. Im telling you, I had a LOT to be thankful for. Thanksgiving weekend we were blessed to get Liberty's headstone. The kind soul who designed and made her headstone offered to drive it to our house from Missouri.. ugh, talk about bittersweet. It hurts that we have to have a headstone and yet I am thankful that it is here with us..instead of being 500+ miles away.

December was a pretty good month for us. I did my best to keep my eyes facing upward - toward our Lord and Saviour. It's all too easy to let my eyes fill with tears and fall towards the ground as I think about our little angel...I can honestly say all the hoopla that comes with this time of year means NOTHING to me anymore. Knowing that Liberty is in Heaven celebrating with Christ himself kept me moving and kept me humble. I literally long for the day when we can join her in this celebration for eternity! Until then I look forward to this life set before me.

I can't say that I am completely out of 'the pit' just yet - there are moments when my foot slips back in. The good news is God is here! He has been with me every single step of the way. He was with me in 2009 and He is with me now, in 2010! I find myself being hopeful of the future now. I find myself feeling bits and peaces of joy and happiness! I cannot wait to see what this year holds. We have so very much to be thankful for already and yet I know how good and how big our God is and that gives me hope for an even brighter year this time around!!!

Thank you Lord for never leaving me. Thank you for seeing me through each and every day in 2009. Thank you for the blessings you have set before me. Thank you for helping me to my feet time and time again...Thank you for loving me - all of me and all of my imperfections. Thank you for blessing us with these children! Help me to be the kind of mommy you want me to be Lord. Thank you for blessing our marriage - renewing it and strengthening it day after day. Bless my husband Lord and my children Father. Please, give my little Liberty a hug and a kiss from me, tell her that I love her and cannot wait to hold her in my arms again! Lord I pray that our hearts are forever open to these little ones. Please guide us and direct our paths towards our next child - whether this be a biological child or a child brought forth through adoption! We long to help these little ones find your Lord - help us to do just that! We love you so much Father!!

*************************************************************************************

Here are the latest pictures of our girls!! Enjoy! :o)

Savannah Faith ~ 1 Month Old

Aspen Lee 4 1/2, Cheyenne Hope 16 months and Savannah Faith 1 month

Savannah and Mommy

Silly Girl Cheyenne

Fun in the tub (okay, actually the sink!)

sweet sisters!

My little love muffin

S is for Sweets and Savannah :0)

Update on "D" and her precious baby!!!

2009-12-21T07:28:00.001-08:00

Hello everyone,

Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers for "D" and her sweet family!

She had her baby BOY, Joseph, on Friday! They are now at home, and both of them are healthy!! PRAISING GOD FOR THEIR WONDERFUL NEWS AND THEIR BEAUTIFUL LITTLE BLESSING!!!

:0)

God is good all the time...all the time God is good!

Please Lift This Family Up In Prayer!

2009-12-18T04:17:00.000-08:00

Good morning prayer warriors! :o)

Many of you know the feelings of excitement and nervousness while you await the birth of your sweet child - however, some of us know how the magnitude of this is multiplied following the loss of a child.

Walking into that delivery room takes on a whole new meaning....carries many more emotions....and requires a different level of strength.

9 months after Libby died I found myself back in the delivery room - about to deliver a baby with a congenital heart defect..not knowing what the outcome might be, but trusting in God to see us through. I will never ever forget those feelings as we waited for our little Cheyenne Hope to arrive. And 17 months after she was born we were once again - trusting in the Lord, "patiently" waiting for Savannah Faith. Words really can't begin to describe the wide range of emotions I felt during each delivery following Libby's birth and death. We were suddenly well aware of just how miraculous and precious these moments were ~ knowing ultimately that it was completely out of our hands and in Gods.

Will you please join me in prayer over a dear friend of mine!?! "D" and her husband are currently in the hospital, being induced! Though we have never ever met in person, I care deeply for "D" and her family. Our hearts will forever be mended together because of this deep bond we share. You see, we each have an angel waiting on us in Heaven. "D" and her husband had to say goodbye to their precious son shortly after he was born. For the past year "D" and I have clung to one another and Christ as we walk this uncharted teritory of grief. It certainly hasn't been easy - there are times we beg to get off this path. The pain seems to much to bear, the cross to heavy to carry. During these times God has surely picked us up and carried us through, and for that we are thankful. Trusting in God during a subsequent pregnancy, delivery and birth is one of those times where we must be carried, trusting our full weight in His hands!! Please keep "D" and her wonderful husband in your prayers today as they "patiently" wait on their joy to arrive!! Please pray for a quick and easy labor for "D" and a healthy delivery of their precious child! Please pray for the baby to let out a LOUD scream immediately upon delivery, so they know all is well!! Also, please pray for a speedy recovery for both mommy and baby!

I am SO excited for "D" and her husband. This baby will certainly bring them much joy and a healing unlike any other...

Thanks in advance for joining me in prayer over this family!! God bless you all.

Finally! Pictures of our sweet blessing..Savannah Faith!

2009-12-04T12:05:00.000-08:00

HELLO EVERYONE!

SORRY IT HAS TAKEN ME SO LONG TO GET PICTURES DOWNLOADED. THINGS HAVE BEEN A BIT CRAZY AROUND HERE AS WE WORK TOWARDS A NEW SENSE OF 'NORMAL'!

THANK YOU DARLA FOR UPDATING MY BLOG WHILE WE WERE IN LABOR AND DELIVERY!! YOU HAVE BEEN SUCH A BLESSING TO ME! :0)

AND THANKS TO EVERYONE FOR THE PRAYERS AND THOUGHTS THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE PREGNANCY, LABOR AND DELIVERY! GOD SURELY HEARD EACH AND EVERY ONE.

THE LABOR DIDN'T QUITE GO AS WE EXPECTED IT TO GO. EVERYONE THOUGHT THAT SINCE THIS WAS MY 4TH BABY THINGS WOULD MOVE RATHER QUICKLY. I ARRIVED AT THE HOSPITAL A LITTLE BEFORE 5AM ON THE 23RD. NERVES WERE FULL FORCE AS WE WALKED THROUGH THE HALLWAY TOWARDS LABOR AND DELIVERY. I SILETNLY PRAYED FOR GOD TO SHOW ME A SIGN THAT HE WAS RIGHT THERE WITH US...ALONG WITH THIS I PRAYED FOR PEACE. THE NURSES GOT ME SETTLED INTO MY ROOM RIGHT AWAY AND GOT ME HOOKED UP TO THE MONITORS. MY NURSE CAME INTO THE ROOM AND INTRODUCED HERSELF - HER NAME WAS 'GEORGIA'..HOW VERY FITTING I THOUGHT TO MYSELF. THIS NAME GOES PERFECTLY WITH OUR LITTLE SAVANNAH :0) GEORGIA WAS A SWEET NURSE - WITH TIME MY NERVES WERE DISAPPEARING!

RIGHT AWAY THE NURSE NOTICED THAT I WAS HAVING REGULAR, STEADY CONTRACTIONS..EVERY FEW MINUTES ~ AND WITH EACH CONTRACTION SAVANNAH'S HEART LOOKED PERFECT! PRAISE GOD. WE TOOK ABOUT AN HOUR TO FILL OUT ALL THE PAPERWORK AND THEN PATIENTLY WAITED FOR MY DR. TO ARRIVE. HE WAS SO HAPPY TO SEE US THAT MORNING..NOTING THE FACT THAT I HAD OFFICIALLY MADE IT FULLTERM!! HE THEN EXAMINED ME AND SAID THAT I WAS NOW 3CM DILATED AND 80% EFFACED - GREAT NEWS! UNFORTUNATELY HE ALSO REALIZED THAT SAVANNAH WAS STILL VERY HIGH UP...WITH THIS NEWS HE DECIDED THAT IT WOULD BE BEST TO GO AHEAD AND START PITOCIN. HE WAS A BIT CONCERNED WITH HER POSITION AND THE FAC THAT SHE WASN'T DROPPING YET - SO HE FELT IT WOULD BE BEST TO ACTUALLY INDUCE LABOR INSTEAD OF SEEING HOW QUICKLY MY CONTRACTIONS WOULD PROGRESS. WE TRUSTED HIS JUDGEMENT COMPLETELY - AND NEW THAT GOD HAD EVERYTHING IN HIS HANDS. AROUND 7:30AM OUR NEW NURSE CAME INTO OUR ROOM AND INTRODUCED HERSELF. HER NAME WAS JENNIFER AND ONCE AGAIN, I COULD FEEL MY NERVES FADING AWAY! WITH EACH CONVERSATION WE HAD I FELT MORE AND MORE PEACE. AT THIS SAME TIME SHE STARTED THE PITOCIN AND I ASKED ABOUT GETTING THE EPIDURAL. I WAS FAR ENOUGH ALONG ALREADY THAT THERE WOULD BE NO REASON TO DELAY GETTING IT DONE...ESPECIALLY SINCE EVERYONE ASSUMED I WOULD HAVE A SHORT LABOR. I COULD FEEL THE CONTRACTIONS COMING ON STRONGER AS WE WAITED FOR THE ANISTHEOLOGIST - WITH EACH ONE I PRAYED FOR COMFORT AND STRENGTH. FINALLY IT WAS TIME TO GET THE EPIDURAL! WE WENT OVER MY HISTORY OF EPIDURALS...(WITH ASPEN IT KICKED IN RIGHT BEFORE I STARTED TO PUSH BUT ONLY ON THE LEFT SIDE. WITH LIBERTY THEY TRIED SEVERAL TIMES, IN SEVERAL SPOTS AND IT NEVER HAD ANY EFFECT ON THE PAIN THROUGH THE 28 HOURS OF LABOR. WITH CHEYENNE IT ONLY TOOK ON THE LEFT SIDE, HOWEVER THEY WERE ABLE TO FINALLY GET IT EQUAL ON EACH SIDE) I GOT THE EPIDURAL RIGHT AFTER THIS CONVERSATION AND GO FIGURE...IT ONLY TOOK ON THE RIGHT SIDE! MY RIGHT SIDE WAS SO NUMB FROM THE GET GO THAT I COULDN'T EVEN WIGGLE MY TOES! I WAS ABLE TO FEEL EVERY LITTLE THING ON MY LEFT SIDE - LIKE I HAD NEVER EVEN GOTTEN THE EPIDURAL - SO THEY CALLED THE ANESTHEIOLOGIST BACK INTO MY ROOM. HE FIDDLE WITH THE NEEDLE A BIT AND THEN PUT MORE MEDICATION INTO THE LINE. AGAIN MY RIGHT SIDE GOT EVEN HEAVIER WITH THE NUMBING MEDICATION - WITH NO EFFECT ON MY LEFT SIDE. THE NURSE WAS COMING IN EVERY FEW MINUTES TO UP THE AMOUNT OF PITOCIN AND TO CHECK ON THE PROGRESS OF MY EPIDURAL. NOTHING WAS HELPING AND THE PAIN WAS GROWING STRONGER. THERE WAS NOTHING I COULD DO BUT CLING TO CHRIST THROUGH THIS TIME. I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND THE NEED TO EXPERIENCE THE PAIN ON MY LEFT SIDE - BUT I PUT MY FOCUS ON THE FACT THAT WITH EACH CONTRACTION WE WERE GETTING CLOSER TO MEETING OUR SWEET BABY GIRL. THE NURSE CHECKED ME SEVERAL TIMES AND I WAS MAKING GREAT PROGRESS TOWARDS 10CM'S! UNFORTUNATELY SAVANNAH WASN'T BUDGING! SHE WAS STILL VERY HIGH AND WASN'T DROPPING AT ALL. THE NURSE AND ANESTEIOLOGIST TRIED SEVERAL TIMES TO GET MY EPIDURAL IN A BETTER POSITION BUT NOTHING THEY TRIED WAS WORKING..I COULD NO LONGER EVEN SENSE THAT I HAD A RIGHT LEG AT THIS POINT! ABOUT 8 HOURS AFTER THE START OF THE EIPDURAL THE NURSE CHECKED ME AND REALIZED THAT I WAS COMPLETELY DILATED AND THINNED OUT - BUT SAVANNAH WAS STILL IN THAT SAME POSITION! SHE ASKED IF I WANTED TO TRY PUSHING, TO SEE IF THAT WOULD CAUSE HER TO MOVE DOWN INTO THE BIRTH CANAL. HONESTLY I HAD NO DESIRE TO PUSH AT THIS POINT. I WAS BEYOND EXHAUSTED AND COULDN'T IMAGINE HOW I WAS GOING TO PUSH HER OUT SINCE I COULDN'T EVEN FEEL MY TOES OR MOVE MY RIGHT LEG AND INCH AND YET HAD TERRIBLE PAIN ON THE LEFT SIDE OF MY BODY!! IN THE END SHE HAD ME TRY TO PUSH..WITH A PROMISE THAT IF I WAS SIMPLY TOO TIRED I COULD STOP AND LET SAVANNAH COME DOWN ON HER OWN TIME! SO WITH VERY LITTLE EFFORT I PUSHED...REALLY NOT EXPECTING ANYTHING TO HAPPEN. AFTER THAT ONE PUSH THE NURSE YELLED 'STOP! OKAY, NO MORE PUSHING!! I HAVE TO GET DR. ROST HERE IMMEDIATELY. HE WOULD BE SO UPSET IF I DELIVERED THIS BABY INSTEAD OF HIM!!" :0) SO WITH THAT I STOPPED PUSHING AND THE NURSE FLEW AROUND THE ROOM GETTING EVERYTHING SET UP AND READY! WITHIN 5-10 MINUTES MY DOCTOR WAS THERE. I PUSHED TWO TIMES AND LITTLE SAVANNAH FAITH WAS BORN! IT TURNS OUT SHE WAS IN THE 'SUNNY SIDE UP' POSITION WHICH WAS THE REASON BEHIND HER NOT DECENDING INTO THE BIRTH CANAL PROPERLY ON HER OWN! TEARS FLOODED MY EYES AS THEY PLACED THIS SWEET LITTLE BLESSING ONTO MY CHEST. NEVER BEFORE HAVE THEY PLACED ONE OF MY BABIES ON MY CHEST - THEY HAVE ALWAYS BEEN TOO SMALL/ILL IN THE PAST. SO THIS TRULY WAS A TREAT AND A BLESSING IN MY BOOK. DADDY GOT TO CUT THE CORD AND THEN LITTLE SAVANNAH LET OUT A TINY LITTLE CRY - ALL I COULD THINK WAS 'THANK YOU GOD! THANK YOU FOR THIS BLESSING". MY HEART WAS OVERJOYED...

SAVANNAH AND I GOT TO COME HOME FROM THE HOSPITAL ON WEDNESDAY MORNING. THURSDAY WAS THANKSGIVING - AND OH BOY DID WE HAVE A LOT TO BE THANKFUL FOR!! :0) ON FRIDAY MORNING MY MOM FLEW BACK TO KC AND THAT AFTERNOON WE GOT LIBBY'S HEADSTONE DELIVERED TO US FROM KC...IT WAS A LOT TO TAKE IN, TO SAY THE LEAST.

ANYONE WHO HAS HAD A LITTLE ONE AFTER LOSING A CHILD KNOWS JUST HOW BITTERSWEET THIS EXPERIENCE CAN BE. I CRIED SEVERAL TIMES IN THE HOSPITAL AFTER HER BIRTH BECAUSE WE WERE LUCKY ENOUGH TO SEE A LITTLE BIT OF LIBERTY IN SAVANNAH. MY HEART WAS (AND STILL IS) SMITTEN WITH HER! SHE IS SUCH A BEAUTIFUL LITTLE BLESSING AND SHE HAS STOLLEN MY HEART AWAY!

OKAY...AS I MENTIONED EARLIER - HERE ARE THE PICTURES OF OUR NEWEST LITTLE PRINCESS!!

ENJOY :0)

INDUCTION DAY! 38 WEEKS 6 DAYS!

SAVANNAH FAITH BORN AT 4:51PM 7LBS 15OZ 21 1/4 INCHES

A FEW HOURS OLD!

LITTLE BABY DOLL

SAVANNAH IN HER GOING HOME OUTFIT!

GETTING READY TO GO HOME! SHE CAN'T WAIT!

ASPEN AND CHEYENNE MEETING THEIR BABY SISTER..WISH LIBBY COULD BE HERE TOO...

DADDY AND HIS NEWEST LITTLE LOVEBUG

MY PRECIOUS GIRLS

SISTERS FOREVER!

LITTLE LOVE MUFFIN IN HER CHRISTMAS JAMMIES!

P.S...I WILL BE ADDING MORE PICTURES SOON! MY COMPUTER KEEPS FREEZING..GRR! THANKS AGAIN FOR YOUR WELL WISHES!! HUGS TO YOU ALL! OH..AND MY SPELL CHECK BUTTON WON'T WORK - SO PAY NO ATTENTION TO ALL MY ERRORS!! LOL

GOD BLESS,
KELLY AND FAMILY

Savannah Faith is here!

2009-11-23T16:19:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone! It is Darla again and I just wanted to let everyone know that Savannah Faith has arrived! She weighs 7lb. 15oz and is perfect! Praise God! Mommy is doing well too just very tired! Brett and Kelly are overjoyed and feel very blessed to have this new little addition to their family. They wanted me to thank everyone for all your prayers and support.

I am sure Kelly will update everyone with pictures as soon as she gets to her computer. :)

Let's continue to pray for the Turner family and this new blessing from God.....Savannah Faith!

Savannah is almost here

2009-11-23T14:15:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone! This is Kelly’s friend Darla. She has been keeping me updated by text messaging me all day. Kelly and Brett went to the hospital this morning at 5:00am. Everything is going well for them. They are excited to meet Savannah and even wrote that they feel God’s peace in the room with them so Praise God for this!

Right now, they are waiting for Savannah to “move on down” so Kelly can start the delivery process. Kelly is ready but they are just waiting on Savannah. Could you join me in prayer for this as well as God’s continue peace and a healthy delivery?

As soon as I know more, I will update again.

Thank you. Darla

Savannah Faith will be here on MONDAY!!

2009-11-21T15:49:00.001-08:00

Hello again!

Well yesterday I had my dr. appointment. It was a good appointment overall. My dr. seems quite excited for us to have little Savannah and he is so happy that I am officially full term!

He did a quick check to determine if I would have to come in on Sunday night to get Cervidil ~~ and PRAISE THE LORD, I am far enough along that I will NOT need the cervidil!! I am SO happy with this news as I have done the cervidil route before and it is NOT something that I would ever want to repeat!

He went on to say that he wants us at the hospital bright and early on Monday morning! We have to be at the hospital by 5AM to begin the induction! I thought this was awesome considering I probably won't be able to sleep anyhow :0)

He told me that he will have the nurses get me all hooked up to the monitors so he can see how the baby is doing and to see if I am having any contractions...Then he will come in and break my water! He then wants to give me a little time to see if my contractions will pick up on their own - if they do then he will NOT do the pitocin!! However, if I am not having any contractions or they are not strong enough he will have to start me on pitocin. Of course we are praying that there is NO NEED FOR PITOCIN!! That my contractions begin right away and I have no trouble progressing through labor...as 'naturally' as possible.

I am beyond excited!! I could possibly jump for joy at this point, however that would probably cause me to injure myself in some shape or form (given the size of my tummy at this point!!). lol I cannot wait to meet our newest little princess.. my heart is overjoyed at the very thought of her!!

Please continue to pray for us as we embark on this wonderful journey!! I will do my best to keep you all updated....

Love and hugs!!

Praying for Labor...

2009-11-18T10:22:00.001-08:00

Hello all,

It's been quite some time since my last post. Things have been hectic, as usual. I am officially 38 weeks now!! Praise God we are going to have a full term baby! We won't even know what to do with ourselves. :0)

Thankfully my mom decided to go ahead and come to Texas..a whole lot earlier than expected..so we no longer have the worry of who will watch the girls for us while we are in the hospital! The only 'catch' to this situation is she is missing work right now - which means she isn't getting paid..sooooo this means there has been a lot of pressure on me to suddenly just have this sweet baby so grandma can get back home! lol Obviously this isn't the way labor works - even though deep down inside I really do wish I had an "easy button"!

If you don't mind could you all join us in prayer as we attempt to patiently wait for our little princess to make her grand entrance into the world?!? I have another dr. appointment on Friday...at this time we are supposed to set up an induction time for either Sunday or Monday - depending on a few things. Oh how I have been praying and hoping to go into labor naturally, instead of through an induction. With our first 3 girls I was induced so I was really hoping to avoid that this time around. Come Monday I will no longer have a choice and will have to give in to an induction because my mom has to get back home...so of course we are PRAYING that I go into labor sometime before sunday!!! Will you please join us in prayer concerning this?? As well as for a wonderful, safe labor and delivery of our little Savannah Faith!! :0)

Thank you in advance for your thoughts and prayers...We will keep you all updated!!

God bless!

Halloween Pictures

2009-11-01T07:36:00.000-08:00

It's FINALLY November..and I can honestly say that I am thrilled about this! :0)

Thank you for all the thoughts and prayers for the last week of October. Liberty's Angel Day went better than I ever could have expected - given the circumstances. We decided to take the girls to a place called Boomerangs. They had a ball on all the bounce houses and giant slides!! The four of us spent the entire morning laughing and playing...simply enjoying life at that very moment. As we were walking back to the car Aspen stopped, looked up at the sky and said "Thank you Libby for our fun day! We love you little angel baby" - then sent her sweet kisses in the wind. My heart is so often comforted by this little 4 year old and her sweet thoughts...The love she continues to carry for her baby sister amazes me. She was only 2 when Liberty passed away - and since Liberty spent 4 of her 5 months in the hospital, she didn't get to spend much time with her..but you wouldn't know it by the things she remembers! I am so very thankful that she remembers...Overall we had a blessed day together as a family - remembering our sweet little angel baby. I am thankful to say I felt Gods strength and love the whole day through. That night at 7pm as we were reading our nightly story book; Sammy and His Shepard..I began having contractions. They were about 5 minutes apart at first - then went to 3 minutes apart. After getting the girls to bed we sat together and prayed. After praying we felt peace inside to go ahead and go to bed - knowing that if it were indeed 'time' to go to the hospital God would surely let us know. Thankfully I slept pretty well that night - still contracting, but not really in any pain.

The next day was my birthday. This day wasn't quite so fun and exciting. I woke up feeling under the weather and realized that I was still contracting - about 3-5 minutes apart. I still didn't feel the pain was strong enough to go into the hospital - so we went to the mall to walk around instead. We were really only gone long enough for the Brett and the girls to ride the carousel and to walk around the mall once -- by this time I was physically exhausted. So we came back home and I spent the rest of the day on the couch. Later in the evening, after many hours of rest, the contractions finally piddled out. (I had preterm labor several times with Cheyenne - so this is nothing new for us to deal with..although now that I am nearly 36 weeks the dr. has decided that he will no longer stop any contractions!!) At this time we decided that we better open up the baby shower gifts my mom sent down to us for baby Savannah - knowing this little one will literally be here any day now!! So after the girls went to bed Brett and I opened up all the surprises - this truly was the highlight of the entire day! My heart overflows with joy when I think about our 4th little blessing - knowing she will be here so very soon :0)

The next morning I woke up with a horrible headache, dry cough, stuffy nose, loss of appetite, fatigue and fever - so Brett and the girls took me to the doctor. Turns out I have strep throat!! ICK! Thankfully I was able to get some medicine right away and I am starting to feel a bit better each day...although I still have little to NO energy - but part of that could possibly be due to the fact that I am almost 36 weeks pregnant now!?!?! Hopefully this will pass quickly so I can get the rest of the stuff ready around here for Miss Savannah's arrival...

Yesterday was another rocky day..lol. Brett, the girls and I loaded into the van to run up to the grocery store to get a few things. Brett and Aspen went into the store while Cheyenne and I stayed in the car - since I was still fairly ill. Brett and Aspen were probably only gone for 10 minutes..however, when Brett got back into the van and tried to start it - it wouldn't start!!! That's right - we were stranded! LOL The grocery store is only a few blocks from our house - so Brett ran (literally) back home to get our other car. Meanwhile I am in the parking lot with the girls - sitting inside the van, waiting for daddy to come back. It was quite an adventure let me tell ya. Long story short - the battery was completely dead so we had to buy a new one. Now the van is up and running again! Praise God!

Last night I managed to scrape up enough energy to get the girls ready for trick-or-treating. They both had lots of fun going from house to house - although Cheyenne chose to ride in her stroller, eating a snack most of the evening! We could hardly keep up with Aspen - she was so excited to go from one house to the next. We were able to walk through most of the neighborhood before the contractions started...which brought us back home. At that point Aspen had a ball handing out candy to the other little trick-or-treaters. We probably had about 20 kids stop by the house in an hour - so it was a great turnout. The weather was absolutely perfect - no wind, no rain..just a perfect fall evening!

Here are some pictures of the girls...most are from Halloween night, but a few are from September when we took them to the Texas State Fair. :0)

Aspen at the Texas State Fair - Sept 2009

Aspen on the planes!

Cheyenne Hope playing in her stroller

Aspen and Daddy on the roller coaster

"peek-a-boo"

Our little dancer...

Just taking a break...

Everything's bigger in Texas...!

Getting Cheyenne ready for Trick-Or-Treating..

Happy Halloween!! Cheyenne 15 months Aspen 4 years old

Our little Cheerleader!

Our little Ladybug!

Happy Halloween - Love Cheyenne

Aspen at the Trunk or Treat at church

Trick-or-Treat!!

35 1/2 weeks pregnant with Savannah Faith

My baby girl...

Again - thank you for the cards, text messages, emails, calls and prayers to our family. We are praising God for His never ending strength during these difficult days!! He indeed heard your prayers and answered them!!!

I will try my best to do a better job keeping you all posted as we anxiously await the arrival of our sweet little Savannah Faith. Her actual due date is Dec. 1st but all bets are on for having a November baby!! I will be 36 weeks this week - praise God!!! I am no longer receiving the progesterone shots to stop the contractions - so the clock is certainly ticking at this point!! Yippie!! I am going in on Wednesday for my weekly appointment..I will try to send out an update then! We are praying that things line up in such a way that would allow my parents to get down here ahead of time - otherwise the girls will be going to the labor and delivery room WITH us!! Yikes. My parents have a 7-8 hour drive to get down here - so they have the car "gassed up" and their bags packed - just waiting for our phone call to say that I am in labor. Praying for NO false alarms!! :) I was induced at 32, 34, and 36 weeks with the other three girls - so I don't really know what to expect this time around...all I can hope is that my parents can be here to watch the girls for us while we head to the hospital to meet our newest little wonder!!

Anyway! I will keep you all updated...

Love, hugs and prayers!

Kelly and Family

In Memory of Liberty Lee

2009-10-27T02:20:00.000-07:00

To say that this month has been hard is an understatement. I have had a wide range of emotions - all of which come back to the fact that I am a grieving mother who desperately misses her baby.

It's 4am. I have already been up for several hours. In some ways it feels like a repeat of what happened two years ago today. I have many of the same emotions deep inside my heart and yet there is one huge difference - Liberty is not here. Today will not be a day spent tending to her, trying to make her comfortable, knowing that our time together is limited. I will not get the opportunity to hold her, kiss her or feel her tiny hands in mine. Oh what I would give to share this day with Libby again. My heart literally aches for her.

Thankfully God knows my pain. He knows how my heart longs to be with her again.

I wait quietly before God, for my salvation comes from Him. He alone is my rock and my salvation, my fortress where I will never be shaken. (Psalm 62:1-2)

He has seen every single tear that has fallen from my eyes.

You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book. (Psalm 56:8)

He brings me comfort in the midst of pain and sorrow.

Even when I walk through the dark valley of death, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me. (Psalm 23:4)

My despair is replaced with hope day after day.

The righteous pass away; the godly often die before their time. And no one seems to care or wonder why. No one seems to understand that God is protecting them from the evil to come. For the Godly who die will rest in peace. (Isaiah 57:1-2)

As I face this second anniversary I will embrace each emotion as it comes - knowing that the tears and pain come from a bond of love knit from my heart to hers...forever holding us together.

I will also rejoice in just how far we have come along this journey as the scripture reminds me;

Draw close to God, and God will draw close to you. (James 4:8)

Let your roots grow down into Him and draw up nourishment from Him, so you will grow in faith, strong and vigorous in the truth that you are taught. Let your lives overflow with thanksgiving for all he has done. (Colossians 2:7)

Lord, I pray for your strength to make it through this day. I pray for peace and comfort - for protection and healing. Open up my heart to the blessings surrounding me and bless me with the peace of knowing we will be with our beautiful baby again. Help Brett and I remember Libby today in a way that would bring honor and glory to you Father. Help us as we share precious memories of Libby with Aspen, Cheyenne and soon little Savannah Faith. We pray that you comfort Aspens heart as she often cries out for her baby sister..let her feel your loving arms wrapped tightly around her on this day. In my heart I know that I simply do not 'need' a certain day to remember my baby girl - for a mothers heart will never forget. And for this I am thankful. Each memory you have blessed me with is tucked deep inside my heart - covered with your truth of eternity. I love you so very much Father. Hold me close as I crawl deep into your arms today...wrapped tightly in your love.

To my precious Liberty Lee,

I love you so much my angel. I will do my very best to get up and rejoice on this day. And even though the tears will fall - my heart will find rest and comfort in our Lord.

To this day, I carry around pictures of you in my mind and memories of you in my heart. I look forward to the day that I will hold you in my arms once again - where we can forever worship our Father.

Until that time comes please know that my life is brighter because of you. You are a blessing to our family and I am blessed beyond measure to be your mommy!!!

I love you to the moon and back little princess...

Hugs and Kisses,

Mommy!

Updates & 3D Ultrasound Pictures!

2009-10-15T14:40:00.000-07:00

Hello lovely ladies!!

How are all of you doing? I hope this little note finds you all doing well :)

Things have been SUPER busy around here lately - which leads to fewer and fewer posts. I am praying that I get into a better routine around here so that I have a little more time to write...but we all know how that goes!

Latest Turner News:

We finally made 'the switch' and put Aspen and Cheyenne into one room. We have 4 bedrooms in our new house, however Aspen has been begging for quite some time to share her room with her baby sister. I remember one night in particular she was crying in her bed...asking us why Liberty couldn't be here with us so they could share a room. Talk about pulling at a mommy's heartstrings...ugh. After many long nights of prayers we finally decided to bring Cheyenne into Aspen's room. I promise to post pictures of their new room soon. It looks ADORABLE!! We decided their room would have a garden theme. I found two matching comforters with bright, cheery flowers on sale at Target. I simply couldn't pass up getting two comforters for under $40, total! We chose a bright paint color for their walls that kind of goes with their comforters - the can says 'cider' although I would have named it cantelope personally! lol Thankfully this room is very large and easily fit two twin sized beds, positioned right in front of their two windows. After this I went to Lowes and bought this white, plastic stuff you would normally use for a fence. I bought two sections and we are using this as their headboards!! It turned out SUPER cute and truly looks like a garden. I plan on using some artificial flowers to string through the two sections of fence above their beds. I still have yet to hang cute things on their walls - one of which will definately be a scripture verse :) But overall the room is coming together. We went out a week or two ago and purchased another white crib because Cheyenne made it perfectly clear she wasn't ready or willing to do the whole bed situation yet! lol So for now their room also has a cute white crib along the opposite wall. Our bedtime routines have actually gotten easier since we made the switch. Cheyenne used to go to bed quite a bit earlier than Aspen so we normally had atleast two different bedtime routines. Now we have a very good routine that we stick to each and every night - with both girls at the same time. Shortly after dinner time we do bath time...then comes play time, followed by snack time. After this we brush our teeth, turn down the lights and normally watch one short movie together. Then we spend time talking with the girls about their day. We talk about the best part of the day and the hardest part - praying as we go. We have really focused on 'childlike faith' this week...and all I can say is WOW! By this time both of the girls are sleepy and ready for bed. We put them down together, say our goodnight prayers and they both go right to sleep!! The firt few nights were a bit rough as Cheyenne wanted to stay up and 'talk' to Aspen..then when she wouldn't participate she would do things like turn the light switch on and off, or mess with the handle to the closet door. Since then we have moved her crib AWAY from any and all distractions! LOL PS - Thanks to all of you who offered advice in doing 'the switch' to sharing a bedroom!! You certainly gave us great tips and tricks that have helped us immensly! Now I better get started on the precious nursery!!! :)

My dear hubby is loving his "new" job at the DFW airport. He is still in training and will be for quite some time. He is getting along well with his trainers, especially one in particular. He will most likely get his first raise by next month - plus if you hadn't already heard on the news...the government and NATCA (national air traffic controllers association) have FINALLY come to an agreement over rules and regulations regarding the controllers jobs! We are praising God that come January the controllers will be getting a decent sized raise!! In this new contract the controllers have also been allowed to drop the 'dress work attire'. Brett happily skips off to work in a nice polo and JEANS these days! He is happy and so am I - this means a lot less laundry compaired to his business attire!! :) So it's a win-win in this house. lol On the homefront, Brett is doing AMAZING. Words simply cannot describe the canges that take place when a man is truly living for God instead of himself. I am constantly in awe these days...

This belly of mine is growing, growing, growing. I remember waking up one day last week saying "wow, where did this come from and where did my feet go"?!?! LOL I am seeing my ob one week and my perinatalogist the following week - although I am about to start seeing them weekly now! I am 33 1/2 weeks along and feeling pretty good. Its hard to believe I had Aspen 'last week', at 32 weeks - and had Liberty 'next week' at 34 weeks! My perinatalogist had us quite worried during my last two appointments - he was very concerned that I had developed gestational diabetes because of the baby's rapid growth. He had me go in this week to have the test re-done - despite me passing it the first time around. I must admit that I was TOTALLY dreading this test! The drink always makes me feel so icky - plus given our past pregnancies I was worried we were headed down another difficult path! I did my best to continually give it over to God though. And I say continually because I had to give it over to him again and again..and again!! Every time I felt worried or stressed about the results I would speak His truths for peace and a sound mind. Thankfully (like always) He was right there for me each and everytime I cried out to Him! We finally got the test results back from my glucose test this afternoon....I PASSED the test (again!!), which means I DO NOT have gestation diabetes!! Praise God!! This means we simply have a healthy, CHUBBY little baby on our hands!! Brett says that she must take after him - he was a hefty 9lbs 13oz at birth! WOW! I was a wee little thing, weighing in at 5bls full term! lol All I know is I am beyond thrilled and thankful that this mama and baby are HEALTHY!!!

Speaking of this little miracle...I would love to 'introduce' you to our little wonder - through her newest 3D ULTRASOUND PICS!! We had it done on Tuesday - it was so much fun! She didn't want to cooperate at first - she had her arms and hands in front of her face for quite some time. The lady doing the u/s had me drink a freezing cold bottle of water to wake her up and get her to change her position - about 5 minutes later she was moving all around! Then the umbilical cord was in the way :) so we had to wait a little bit longer. We were able to get quite a few good pictures in the end and ultimately I fell more and more in love with this sweet baby. I think I could have staired at her for hours!! The lady who did the u/s graciously offered to have us come back sometime next week for a free session - so I am certainly looking forward to that! Here are the best pictures we captured on Tuesday....

INTRODUCING: SAVANNAH FAITH

Our littlest Princess

Look at that frown...!

Her little mouth open :)

She has her hand by her face

see her little smile?

Picture of the cord in front of her face, cute shot of her nose!!

she has her arm by her face in this pic.

look at her lil nose..so cute

During the 2D (black and white) ultrasound the lady said that she seems to have a lot of hair already! They showed us this during Cheyenne's ultrasounds as well and they were definately right with her. Cheyenne had a full head of long, black hair when she was born!! So it looks like Savannah might too :) Brett and I were kind of taken back when we first saw her on the screen because her little nose, mouth and cheeks look so much like Cheyenne's did during her 3D ultrasound pics! I am going to see if I can find Cheyenne's pictures on our other computer - if I can I will post those on here later so you can see for yourselves! It's too cute! :)

On another note; we got some "surprising" news yesterday. We found out that Liberty's headstone has been removed from the cemetery. This was hard news for me to hear as it was TOTALLY unexpected! I had planned on sending some pretty flowers and a teddy bear to my parents house..knowing that my mom would love to take them to the cemetery for us on Liberty's Angel Day - since we obviously can't drive to MO right now. Well we called the monument company to see when they were going to be removing it from the cemetery...really just to make sure that it was still going to be there on her Angel Day. Well...the monument company already has it! I was floored when I heard this...I sobbed for an hour or two - just because I was so shocked and totally wasn't expecting this news. I am not sure if I have shared this with you all or not yet - but the people who helped us design Libby's monument have agreed to DRIVE the monument to Texas for us, for free - so that it gets here safely!! They had planned on bringing it down here around Thanksgiving time, so we knew that they would be removing it soon. I am SO thankful for these people and their generousity - I don't know how on earth we would have gotten it down here without their help. Her headstone is not small by anymeans - its about 3ft tall, in the shape of a teardrop and weighs a ton. My broken heart sobbed for my baby girl yesterday..I was at a total loss for what I could do to get the tears to stop falling. I grabbed up a book I have with some wonderful scriptures in it and began reading it, though I could hardly see the words on the pages through all of my tears. At that moment Brett came, took the book from me and began reading it outloud. Talk about ministering to my heart. He read, I cried..the louder I cried the louder he read. I could feel God wrapping his loving arms around me right then and there and I quickly began to calm down..it really was a wonderful feeling that I am thankful for. And of course I am very thankful that this truly means we are getting closer and closer to having her monument with us again.

P.S. Like I mentioned in my last post...we are quickly approaching Liberty's Angel Day (the 27th) and my birthday (the 28th). Please keep all of us in your prayers as these days draw near. Brett and I are working so hard at CELEBRATING these days even though our hearts are aching. We want our other girls to enjoy these days and remember that no matter what God is in control and He is so very good! So we are choosing to CELEBRATE Liberty's Angel Day by remembering how very special and precious she is to our family and thanking God that we will spend eternity with her in Heaven!! On my birthday we are going to CELEBRATE the here and now..this very day God has given us and all the wonderful things he has set before us. We haven't made any definate plans for either day as of yet - it all depends on how I am feeling physically. This will be the week of my final progesterone shot to stop the contractions - from this point on the dr's will go ahead and let little Savannah come if she so chooses!! So, with that being said we plan on staying close to home, doing very little walking!! :) Thank you in advance for your thoughts and prayers - I know part of my heart will be simply relieved when this month is over with, but I am certainly thankful for God giving us so much strength to handle everything! What an AWESOME God we serve!!! Oh how my heart LOVES Him!!!

Love and hugs to each of you!!!

*Don't pay attention to my spelling in this post - spell check isn't working and my brain is in 'pregnancy mode' these days!! LOL

LOOOONG overdue pictures!!

2009-09-25T16:18:00.000-07:00

Hello everyone!

Thank you so much for the prayers for our sweet girl. Cheyenne is doing so much better now and hasn't had any more episodes of SVT. We found a new cardiologist in Dallas and went to an appointment on Monday. Things went great! Cheyenne is now back on her heart medication (Digoxin). She will remain on this medicine for atleast another 9 months - although most likely she will actually remain on it until she is about 4-5 years old. At that time we will discuss doing a procedure on her heart. Basically they will insert cathedars into her thighs and her neck, these will travel towards her heart. Once there, the doctor will use either heat or ice to "damage" the electrical impulse that is making her heart beat too fast. All of this is done while Cheyenne is 'asleep' - which is the reason they want to wait until she is a little bit older. Overall Cheye is doing fabulous now. She is currently getting her 6th tooth in...which has made her extremely uncomfortable - but she still manages to crack a smile here and there!! She has even learned to fold her hands in prayer before each and every meal - priceless in this mama's heart! Thanks again for the thoughts, prayers and emails.

For MONTHS I have been wanting to get some pictures downloaded to my blog and for months we have been anything but settled. Well today I FINALLY figured out how to download pictures to my laptop (our normal 'picture computer' is still broken..) so join me for my little PHOTO-FEST!! :0)

Blessings to you all!

Look at how much our little Cheye-Cheye Butterfly has changed in the past year...!

Our lil peaches..

Just me and my girlies..

Oct. 08 - cutest lil pumpkin!

Cheyenne Hope - 10 months old..our last day in Kansas..she is now a Texas Cutie!

Aspen Lee, 4 years old and Cheyenne Hope 13 months

Mommys attempt at face painting Aspen!

Happy Fall Y'all!!

Okay, so this face painting adventure turned out a little bit SPOOKY! lol

And here is our 4th little miracle, Savannah Faith (30 weeks)

Would you mind keeping our family in your prayers as we approach another anniversary..On October 27th, it will mark two years since Liberty went home to her Father. The next day will be my 27th birthday - so we are trying our best to plan something special...something to keep our eyes focused on Him! We know that God has a plan and a purpose for everything under the sun - because of Him we have a hope and a future!! What a wonderful thing to celebrate!!!

Hugs to each of you..!

Prayers Needed For Cheyenne Hope

2009-09-17T06:12:00.000-07:00

Good morning bloggin' pals!

I wanted to ask for you to join me in prayer over our sweet baby Cheyenne.

Back in August (or possibly even July..) Cheyennes cardiologist decided to take her off of her heart medication. Typically when a baby is diagnosed with SVT they are put on some form of medication to keep the rapid heartbeat under control - then around a year old, they do a "trial run" to see if the little one continues to have the episodes or not. Some times they will see the child relapse quickly with an episode - other times the child never has another episode..but they won't know for sure without this 'trial run'.

We knew signs and symptoms to be on the lookout for. We have a stethoscope handy at all times to check her heart rate. With our hands lifted in prayer, we started the 'trial run' a month ago.

Last night was her first clear episode of SVT. Around 6:30 last night I noticed she was becoming increasingly fussy. This is not abnormal for her as this is typically the time she gets really tired each night. But last night, something seemed different. I couldn't immediately put my finger on it either. Something just didn't seem 'right'. The fussiness quickly turned into a sheer panic..almost like she had been frightened by something! She toddled over to the rocking chair where I was sitting and had this terrified look in her eyes. I immediately scooped her up into my arms to figure out what was wrong with her..as soon as I put my hands around her ribs I knew that it was her heart. I could feel her heart pounding through her chest and at that moment my heart skipped a beat - I knew exactly what this meant. I had Aspen grab the stethoscope for me and I put it to Cheyennes chest. Her little heart was racing! Normally you can count the "bomp, bomp, bomp" and follow along with the rhythm of her heart - this time I couldn't even find a steady rhythm and there was NO way I could count fast enough to keep up with any of it.

At that moment I said a prayer. I knew I needed peace from my Heavenly Father to even deal with the situation. Oh how I needed HIS peace as I could feel the fear creep into my mind...Thankfully He gave me the peace I needed to deal with the situation at hand with a level head.

I put Cheyenne in her highchair - I figured this would be better than her running around the living room in her panicked state. I gave her a few objects to stack and unstack - simply to distract her so I could try and hear her heart again...but I heard the same miserable sound once again - SVT was in full force. Brett was working the night shift so I tried to call his cell phone multiple times. Unfortunately they don't typically allow air traffic controllers to have their phones turned on, which clearly makes sense - but it left me 'hanging' to say the least. Finally I decided to call the operations manager in the radar room to see if he could track down Brett for me. Thankfully on the other end of the line was a very nice man who hunted Brett down and had him on the phone in a matter of minutes! (Praise God, they sent him straight home to help me out..)

I told Brett about the SVT and he calmly reminded me what steps I was to take next. (I don't know what it is about being pregnant..but my brain just doesn't function as sharply as it normally would!! I feel like such a ditz when I am preggers and I am quite surprised I can remember my own name most days! lol) Anyway! We decided to give Cheyenne a dose of her heart medication, knowing that she normally responds very quickly to it. I continued to check her heart but it was still the same. At this time I asked Brett if he felt I should do the "ice in a bag" trick to her.. (this basically involves getting a little bag filled with ice - or an ice pack used for boo-boo's...placing the entire thing over Cheyenne's mouth and nose to give her system a shock. Definitely not something I wanted to do to her - but I knew it would be our next step..) He wanted to give the medication a little bit longer to set in before going to this step...so I agreed to wait until he got home. Ultimately I think he knows how much I would hate to have to do this with her, so he wanted me to wait until he arrived home from work so he could do it himself. At this time I got off the phone with Brett to tend to Cheyenne. She was handling everything very well. You could tell that she knew something was wrong and she still seemed very frightened and was becoming tired physically from the high heart rate - but all in all she was doing wonderful. I continually checked her and tried to distract her to keep her calm. Traffic kept Brett from getting home as quickly as he would have liked - but praise God he made it home safe and sound, and together we tended to Cheyenne.

She ended up getting out of SVT - without the use of the "ice bag" - PRAISE THE LORD!! We had a very, very long night with her. She woke up 5-6 times last night (normally she sleeps from 8pm-7am without waking) but we prayed over her each time and then after she went to sleep we continued on with the prayers. I can honestly say that I really NEEDED to spend this time with the Lord and with my husband. Despite everything that went on last night, when I woke this morning I felt totally rejuvenated and so very close to my Father - talk about feeling HIS PEACE! Wow!!

Today Cheyenne has been doing great. She is her giggly little self - bouncing all over the place, with a perfect little rhythm in her heart! PRAISE GOD! PRAISE GOD!

We are currently waiting for a phone call from her wonderful cardiologist to see what the plan will be from here on out. As soon as I get an update from her, I will post it on my blog.

Please continue to lift Cheyenne up in prayer today!! We will continue to check her heart throughout the day and simply monitor her for any more symptoms of SVT....

A big milestone we are SO thankful for

2009-07-30T05:41:00.000-07:00

This morning I woke up around 4:45 - it was storming vilonently. The rain was pounding on our windows, the wind was blowing the outside toys and playhouse around the backyard, and the lightening was fierce. My skipped a beat..I will be the first to admit that I do NOT like thunderstorms - ever - but especially when it's too dark to see what's truly going on outside!!

I turned on the tv and realized we were under a tornado warning. I woke up Brett (at this moment I am still wondering how men and children can sleep right through a storm???) and together we kept an eye on the news. Moving to Texas has been quite a change for us - a wonderful change yes, but still a big change. The forecasters were telling us to "seek cover" then it hit me - we don't have cover..we don't have a basement!! Yes, I am a basement kinda girl. I have been through a tornado or two when I was very young - growing up in good old Kansas you can certainly expect such things!! We quickly decided that if we were going to follow their instructions and seek cover we would have to go under the stairs, in the center of our home. Thankfully it's a nice little "cubby hole" that we can all easily fit in. It's well lit and has carpet - so I know Aspen would think it was some kind of fun adventure! We got the area cleared out and waited..We didn't want to risk waking the kids just yet. Living in KS and MO I know that even though they say "hit the deck" you can still normally wait another few minutes - so we waited. The winds howled around our house - the flag pole was swaying back and forth, with the flag whipping back and forth in the wind...The rain beat against the windows making it hard to hear anything. The only time we could actually see outside was when lightening filled the dark sky..we stood here and we waited. I held my bible close - and God brought me peace. About 30 minutes later the winds began to die down, the pouring rain turned to a sprinkle and the lightening let up..the sun began to rise and I felt total peace. We made it through the storm without a scratch - Praise God! Plus the girls slept through it all..always a good thing :)

Brett left for work and I sat here, reflecting on we had just witnessed...

"Lord, help!" they cried in their trouble,
and he saved them from their distress.

He calmed the storm to a whisper and stilled the waves.

What a blessing was that stillness
as he brought them safely into the harbor.

Let them praise the Lord for his great love
and for the wonderful things he has done for them.

Psalm 107 28-31

This psalm really spoke to me on MANY levels this morning. Not only through this storm..but because of what this day means to our family. Today is July 30th. Exactly a year ago today the Lord rescued us from a terrible "storm"...He calmed the storm to a whisper and stilled the waves. He blessed us with stillness and brought us safely into the harbor.

A year ago today Cheyenne Hope was born. I think back to that day and I am still amazed at Gods goodness. I had a quick and easy labor. They started the pitocin and labor immediately followed.

Brett and I spent lots of time in prayer and I felt peace. We discussed all that we had been through with Liberty just 9 month earlier and all that we had endured through the pregnancy with Cheyenne. At 27 weeks Cheyenne was diagnosed with SVT (a congenital heart defect that causes her heart to race). The doctors explained to us that we were beyond "lucky" that they even caught her in one of these episodes - as it normally goes unnoticed in the pregnancy, which can cause the baby's heart to stop beating. I certainly don't chalk it up to "luck"!! I know that God was there - watching the storm. He was there the day the doctor was doing the ultrasound and noticed her heart had a rhythm of 300 beats per minute. He was there that same day when they admitted me to the hospital to begin treatment for our unborn daughter. He was with us with each hospitalization after that. He was with us each and everytime my heart showed an adverse reaction to the medication I was taking for Cheyenne. He was with us at each weekly ultrasound to make sure Cheyenne was still alive. He was there with me every day as I counted her kicks and movements. He was there with me as the doctor listened for her heartbeat. He was with Cheyenne each and every step of the way. We continued to pray and God heard;

For this child I prayed; and the LORD hath given me my petition which I asked of him
1 Samuel 1:27

In the early afternoon of July 30th we welcomed our 3rd daughter into the world. We were overjoyed. We laughed and we cried together. We looked at this new little wonder and felt God right there with us. We looked at Cheyenne and we were reminded of her "big" sister Liberty who we said goodbye to just nine months earlier. Our hearts that once felt so much pain suddenly felt sheer joy.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

God had delivered us from the storm and we praised His name! I look at Cheyenne now and I am still reminded of the journey..The mountains we had to climb, the valleys we had to walk through, the rivers we had to cross..none of which could have been done without our Father.

When Cheyenne was born she was a "whopping" 6bls. 6oz and 19 1/2 inches long. She truly was huge in our eyes as her older sisters were both 3lbs 11oz and 17 1/2 inches long (yes Aspen and Libby were identical at birth!! God is amazing like that!). We looked at her and we were amazed. She was "chubby", perfectly pink, and she had a full head of long, black hair. She has been such a wonderful, beautiful addition to our family and I simply cannot imagine life without her.

I don't always understand the why's behind what happened with Liberty - and I am certain I never will fully understand..atleast not while I am standing on this whethered ground. But I am pretty certain that if we hadn't gone through all that we did..
If we hadn't gone down that road we wouldn't have come to this road.
If we hadn't lost Liberty we wouldn't have Cheyenne. That is certainly a tough way to look at things - and often times I can't go there - but I know it's the honest truth. I know in my heart that God had a plan and a purpose for Liberty - and I believe that her plan and her purpose were both fullfilled - She came, she conquered and He called her back home. And just like Libby..He has a plan for Cheyenne..and Aspen..and baby girl to be..God has a plan and a purpose for each one of us, and this is where I find the strength to carry on.

God has carried us through the storms ~ faithfully, never leaving our side for a moment. Today I will shout praises to the Lord for the beautiful "rainbow" I have seen in our litle birthday girl!!

Oh how I wish I could post pictures of her for all of you to see...Pictures from her real birthday and of the birthday we will celebrate today. I will do my best to try and make it work - though it won't be easy. Our pictures are all on our other computer - which is not working at the moment..ugh. If nothing else I will try and take a picture of her with my cell phone - she is such a tasty little treat with a beautiful smile, big beaming eyes and a wonderful little personality!! Truly a rainbow after the storm!! :)

Thanks for sharing this special day with us!! :) God bless you all!!!

Prayers Needed...

2009-07-22T05:44:00.000-07:00

Hello gals..

It's been too long since my last post. I feel like I have been living in a whirlwind lately. This is long overdue to say the least...

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Here is what has been happening with us:

God is moving us..changing us..molding us. So many areas within our life are being turned around. I am simply in awe of everything God is revealing to us. His truths are truly setting us free - and we are thankful.

There is one area in particular that I am desperately trying to "understand". I remember how many pastors, Christians, friends, family, etc talking with us about *Gods will* after Liberty was born. We heard sermons, we read books and we openly discussed Gods will, especially regarding our sweet baby girl.

When I was pregnant with Liberty we didn't have any idea that she might have a genetic disorder. So many people have asked why we didn't have an amnio done before hand - so that way we wouldn't have been so surprised when she arrived. It turns out that even if we had done the amnio we wouldn't have known about her exact genetic makeup. Apparently when they do an amnio they only "test" for certain genetic problems and since the problem that Liberty had was truly one of a kind - they would have told us that she was indeed "healthy". So regardless...the news of her health condition still would have been a complete surprise to us. We have never done an amnio in the past because of the risk it poses and quite honestly we just assumed that nothing would be wrong with "our" child. Oh yes..we had that wonderful "it can't happen to us" mentality! But it did happen to us, and it did happen to our child. With Liberty's life and death our world has been turned upside down. Nothing looks the way it used to look. Nothing feels the way it once felt. The things that used to matter to us before no longer matter - and in turn things that once weren't very important to us are at the top of our list these days. Our faith has been tested..and tested..and tested..and tested. I have spent many days *wrestling* with God over everything that happened. I have spent countless hours reading books on the subject and talking with other mommies who have lost little children. I have prayed. I have sobbed. I have asked "why". I have accepted things, then a week later turned around and rejected things. I have my good days. I have my bad days. I have felt Gods peace and rest. I have felt His love surround me now more than ever before. I have been confused. I have had doubts. I have simply been selfish and wished that Liberty was back in my arms again. I have been through the fire and I have allowed myself to get burned. I have felt strong some days and weak other days.

Back when Liberty was still hear it felt that everywhere we turned someone was reassuring us that God is in control and that we should pray for Gods will to be done..so that is what we did. I can't even begin to fathom the amount of time we spent in prayer for our sweet baby...

Prayers for strength.
Prayers for healing.
Prayers for peace.
Prayers for healing.
Prayers for wisdom.
Prayers for healing....

And yes we prayed for "Gods will to be done". We knew ultimately that Liberty was His child - that He held her life in the palm of His hand...that He actually loved this little baby girl more than we could even begin to imagine. The only thing that ever brought me peace during the midst of all of this was the scripture that says "This is the day the Lord has made. We will rejoice and be glad in it" - we took this scripture - placed it deep inside our hearts and every single day when we walked into Libby's hospital room we had the strength to make it through another day. We looked for SOMETHING positive to focus on with our girl for that day...no matter how sick she truly was..and we praised God. This helped us stay sane during the darkest of dark days.

The first year following her death was hard. Most of that time I spent in a fog. I cried..often. I missed my girl. I missed the smell of her skin. The feel of her wispy little hairs on her head. I missed having the opportunity to see my girl - even if it meant seeing her at the hospital. We had to drive by the hospital so many times during that first year..and even had to take Cheyenne into the same hospital, on the same floor and had some of the same nurses..and yet no matter how hard I tried I couldn't "find" Liberty's room there any longer. The first year was a constant reminder that she was gone. My heart found peace in knowing that Liberty had been healed. That she was with her Maker..a man who loved her more than I can even imagine. I found comfort in knowing that she was no longer suffering. I found comfort in knowing that we would be with our sweet daughter again..in Gods time.

The time since her one year anniversary has been VERY different for me. I remember during the first year of grief everyone warned us that going into the second year would be even harder. I truly thought they were crazy. I simply could not imagine anything being any harder than what I was already going through. Unfortunately I was wrong and they were right. Things have changed. My thoughts have changed. My heart has been focused on something else. Sadly enough it wasn't until I watched some sermons that my heart began to lose focus on the positive things I once found comfort in. So many pastors are preaching on the subject of healing right now. Don't get me wrong - this is a wonderful thing to teach others about!! Praise God that we have people who will help the rest of us seek for Gods healing touch! The problem I am facing is pastors who are basically outwardly saying that our child wasn't healed because we didn't pray "right". This has boggled my mind. This has brought up so many questions I never imagined worrying about. This has caused doubt. This has caused problems with my faith. This has caused an incredible amount of guilt to pile up in my broken heart. I often beat myself up over and over again about this subject.

*Did we pray hard enough? Did we pray long enough? Did we pray for the right things? Did God hear our prayers? Did we not do enough of the "right" things for God to heal our daughter? etc*

Looking back over the past few months..there have been moments I have found myself curled up in a ball, sobbing uncontrollably, wondering if we were the reason our daughter died...wondering if we could have done something differently. This is a LOT of heavy thought to carry around in my heart 24/7. This is a HUGE burden to try and tote around. These thoughts steal much of my joy.

I sit here and think about the very words these pastors are saying - basically condemning us - saying we are the road block that came up when God went in to heal our daughter. My heart feels heavy. I simply cannot imagine going up to another mother walking through this deep journey of grief saying "sorry - you are just like me. you didn't pray hard enough either..." I can't imagine looking deep into the eyes of another parent saying "your prayers weren't answered, must have done something wrong". The very thought of this makes my heart ache. These pastors give story after story of a child being healed - praising the parents for their steadfast prayers. Talking about all the things they did "right" during their child's illness. I will certainly be at the front of the line to praise God when I child is healed - but I refuse to jump on this condemning bandwagon towards families whose child hasn't been healed. I simply cannot believe the very God who numbered the hairs on my head would want me to feel guilt and shame following my daughters death. I simply cannot believe that God would want me to spend the rest of my life with an aching, miserable heart. I simply cannot believe that God would want me to walk away from my faith because our daughter was born with a genetic disorder and passed away. I simply cannot believe that the very God who formed precious Liberty within my womb would want to see me curled up on the floor, sobbing with guilt and doubt...wondering what I did wrong to "deserve" this.

God is just. God is fair. God is good. God has a heart full of love and mercy. God has grace wide enough to cover all of me..sins and inequities..guilt and shame. God sees every single tear that falls from my eyes. God has a plan and a purpose for me..and He had a plan and a purpose for our sweet Liberty. It was no small con incidence that we named our daughter Liberty in the first place. We prayed about her name long before we ever got pregnant with her. It isn't by chance that her name means Freedom and that her nickname (Libby) means Sacred to God. God is good all the time. All the time God is good.

I would "love" for just one of these pastors to come to our house - sit down, look us in the eyes and say "this is all your fault". I would love for them to look into my eyes and tell me that we were the reason our daughter died at 5 months and 3 days old. I would love for them to explain to me what I could have done differently. I would love for them to look at pictures of my sweet daughter and explain to me why she deserved to have tubes and wires all over her body - why she deserved to suffer every single day of her life. I would love for them to explain to me why accidents happen...why children fall ill with serious diseases..why parents have to sit by bedsides day in and day out while their children suffer. I would love for them to explain to me why good, wholesome men of God have had to bury their children *before* it was their time. I would love for them to explain every aspect of the Bible to me..since they seem to know it all. I would love to know why God even tells us that "His ways are higher than our ways.." and that "His ways are not our ways". Why would God tell me to cast my burdens onto Him? Why would God tell my heart to not be troubled or heavy? Why would God tell me to Trust in Him? I simply cannot imagine God WANTING me to feel troubled, and guilt ridden over the death of our daughter. I cannot imagine God WANTING me to live the rest of my life in shame.

We are here to serve God. God placed me and you (and my sweet Liberty) in our mothers wombs so that we can SERVE Him. We are not here for us. We are here to fulfill the purpose in which God placed us here...which is to spread His love and His word. I believe in Gods healing touch. I believe in miracles..as it was a miracle that our sweet baby made it through the pregnancy in the first place and then lived for 5 months after her birth day! I believe God has the power to heal. I praise God for his healing touch and for his mercy. But I also believe that Gods plans are not always our plans. I believe that Gods ways are much, much higher than our ways. I believe that sometimes we will suffer and hurt so that we will learn how much we need our loving Father. I believe that our daughter was healed. I believe that she is whole and perfectly healthy now. I believe that I will be with her again in Heaven. I believe that we are to minister to the lost and the hurting people in the world - and condemning parents of not praying "hard enough, or the right way" cannot be summed up as loving them towards the Lord. I will continue to pray that God removes these hurtful words from my mind...that He will restore His truths deep inside my heart..that He will tuck His love deep inside my spirit so that I might go out and help minister to other families who are hurting.

God has been working deep within me to teach me of His infallible love..the love He desperately longs to share with me. A love that I have never known before. A love like no other. A love that never fails me or forsakes me. A love that will never ever end.

I am 26 years old and just now learning that I am considered treasure in Gods eyes. That I am worth more than rubies to Him!! This also means that my sweet Liberty was the *apple of His eye*...that He has always wanted what was best for her..and for me. Sometimes the best isn't what we want or what we think it should be..but His ways are not our ways..His ways are far higher than our ways! And I am thankful for that!! His love for us is perfect - His ways are perfect - He can make my broken heart sing praises! He can take away all of my doubts, fears and worries. He can wash me white as snow - erase every sin from my past and give me hope for the future!

Today I am choosing to turn off the words from this particular preacher and focus on the truths that God has placed in front of me. Today I will sing praises to my Heavenly Father who loves me, cherishes me and knows what is best for me. Today I will rejoice that our daughter is safe and sound in His arms. Today I will be happy and joyful for all of the blessing within my life. Today I will find peace, knowing Gods mercies are new every morning! Today I will teach my daughters about their baby sister and the God who designed her in my womb. I will teach them about the sister who will one day greet us when we go to Heaven. I will teach them about Gods love for them and how very precious they are to us and to Him. Today I will sing and worship Him. Today I will "Praise in Spite of Pain" - knowing that God is the only one who can bring peace to my heart..knowing that He is good and just. Today I am thankful that He was willing to give up his only son..for me..for you..for every single one of us.

The other day Brett came home and asked me to describe God using one word at a time! This is similar to what we came up with...

Creator
Truth
Love
Hope Forgiver Just
Light Patient Life
Blessing
Father
Peace
Trust
Perfect
All knowing

Okay - it won't work on here - before I hit "save" its in the shape of a cross - after I hit save it all goes to the left side of the page! But you can use your imagination to put it into the shape of a cross! :)

Praying each of you are filled with praise and peace today!!! God bless each and every one of you!! :)

Utrasound reveals the baby is a....

2009-07-08T18:24:00.000-07:00

Yes we found out today that God has blessed us with another beautiful baby GIRL!!!

We were completely shocked and totally thrilled from the moment we found out!

The past few months Aspen has said "Mommy we are going to have a baby brother this time" - we constantly tried to prepare her that God might have chosen a baby sister instead. Well our little girl is very persistent and would "remind" us daily that this baby was a boy. I often wondered if she was right because she had been right with her two baby sisters.

Then last night, completely out of the blue, she said "Im so excited to have another baby sister mommy!" We were shocked and couldn't figure out what she was talking about. Then she went on to say "Mommy I was just kidding about having a baby brother! I tricked you huh!?!? This baby is a girl"

Turns out she was RIGHT again!!

The doctor checked the baby over during the ultrasound and discussed my past pregnancies. He was shocked to learn of my history.

With Aspen: Induced at 32 weeks because I had severe preeclampsia with HELPP syndrome. I nearly had to have a blood transfusion and was sent to an oncologist just days after delivering Aspen.

With Liberty: Induced at 34 weeks because Liberty had quit growing. She was measuring over 3 weeks behind and seemed to be failing to "thrive". At three weeks she was diagnosed with a very rare genetic disorder - the first known case in the world. Spent 4 months in the hospital fighting for her life and at 5 months and 3 days God called her home...

With Cheyenne: Induced at 36 weeks because preeclampsia started to set in again and because at 27 weeks she was diagnosed with a congenital heart defect called SVT... this was causing her heart to beat too fast and she had a higher risk of heart failure.

With all of this he asked if seeing a perinatalogist would help ease our mind. I thought it was a great idea so we will be seeing the baby again during a level 2 ultrasound in the next week or so. He went on to say that from the scan he did on her today, everything looks perfect. I am measuring 19 weeks 2 days and according to my due date I am 19 weeks 1 day - this means she is RIGHT ON TRACK! Praise the Lord!! Praise His holy name!!!

I must admit that I am STILL in shock..and the ultrasound was at 5pm!! lol I was pretty *certain* this little blessing was a baby boy. I was terribly sick with the other three girls - for the first 4 months of each pregnancy! I haven't gotten sick at all this time around --- now I know to just praise the Lord for my health during this wonderful pregnancy! What a blessing this has been to me and our family.

Now...it's onto the name business. We had a baby boy name picked out a few months ago. We had planned on naming "him" Weston Matthew. Weston goes along with the city name theme we have going on and fit in pretty well with Aspen, Liberty and Cheyenne's names. Matthew is Brett's middle name and means Gift from God! Guess we will be saving this name for the future if God chooses to bless us with a baby boy! :) We are having some problems thinking of "girly city names". So far we have come up with Brooklyn Faith - but haven't decided on this name quite yet. I absolutely love the name Naomi - so we also thought about Naomi Noel -- but my due date is Dec. 1st so Im not too sure that she will be a "Christmas baby". :) Plus im not too sure how Aspen, Liberty, Cheyenne and Naomi sounds together. Can't figure out if it "rolls" or not!?!?

So this is where my blogging beauties come in!!! We need some ideas of girl names - both city names and middle names. Aspen and Liberty's middle names are Lee - after my middle name. Cheyenne's middle name is Hope -- she was our bright little light - our hope amidst the darkness. Sooo..if you happen to think of any pretty names PLEASE send me a message and let me know - we are open to any and all ideas!! :)

I suppose I should make some phone calls now - we have quite a few people who have yet to find out about this precious baby girl! Please continue to pray with us for a healthy mommy and a healthy baby!

In His Love,
Kelly..

Aka; One SHOCKED mommy!

Growing a little more each day

2009-06-16T10:09:00.000-07:00

I can't believe we are really here..in Texas!

It still doesn't quite seem "real" to me - probably because we aren't quite settled yet. Only 9 more days to go!! I am eagerly awaiting the keys to our home! The hotel stay has been interesting to say the least! lol Aspen could probably stay here forever. Cheyenne would have liked to have gotten out of here a week ago! I was so super proud of my hubby last week. He "surprised" us by getting us out of the first hotel and into this one. I feel so proud that he took control of the situation like he did. He knew that our family was suffering from the chaos surrounding the first hotel so he took control of the situation and made it SO much better for all of us. This hotel has its ups and downs - but we praise God that we are here! There have been lots of families staying here for a few days at a time - following a huge storm that blew through..but other than that, it's been mostly business travelers. I feel so safe here during the day with the girls. We often go out in the morning for a walk - the fresh air does wonders for little Cheyenne. And for myself I might add. We have certainly made some memories during this stay!!

We have gone out to our house several times over the past week. I love seeing the work that has been done day after day. We finally have carpet - wow - talk about a big difference! Now it really does feel like home to my heart and my mind! :) I feel so much joy every time we pull up into our driveway. Then the moment we unlock the door all 4 of us are smiling from ear to ear! Cheyenne loves to crawl around and explore all the new sights. Aspen has already picked out her "big kid" room and we have spent lots of time looking through magazines for decorating ideas. Cheyennes room will be on the other side of the upstairs - next to the nursery. My mind bounces with joy thinking about decorating this house - making it our home! I love being creative and "artsy" - so I can't wait to get started! I am so, so, so thankful that God has given us such a great opportunity to "start over" - together as a family. When Liberty was unexpectedly born with her extremely rare (first in the world) genetic disorder our life was turned upside down - but nothing could prepare us for the pain that followed after she passed away. It literally felt as though someone had pulled the rug from under our feet. Since then nothing has been the "same" - which is probably a good thing considering God wants to mold us into warriors! :) I feel as though God is working on ALL areas of our lives right now - right down to our house! Almost like "out with the old, in with the new". In my heart I feel that this will be Gods house...not our house, like our other house was. We were simply trying to do everything on our own - this time we are waiting for God to direct our path - wanting, needing, seeking..HIM. My heart just flutters when I day dream about the memories we will make in our new house..in Gods house! A joy I have never ever..ever felt before. A joy that truly surpasses all understanding = Godly joy!!!!!!!!!

I can see the four of us growing more and more each day. I can see obvious changes with little Cheyenne Hope. She is 10 1/2 months old now. She is a total mommy's girl and wants to be attached to my hip 24/7. She is finding her voice and the power behind it more each day. She loves to joyfully shout - especially when we are grocery shopping for some reason. She has lots of energy and loves to go, go, go. She is getting quite brave and I suspect she will be walking soon. Then the fun will really begin!! :)

Aspen..oh sweet Aspen. She is becoming so "independent". I am amazed at how much she has changed from the age of 3 to 4. Totally a different person..no longer a little girl - but a "big" girl who tells jokes, loves to laugh and has a HUGE heart for God. She loves to pray..especially for other people. Her prayers have a way of making everyone smile and really think about things differently. She has become quite patient over the past few weeks. She has adjusted surprisingly well to her new surroundings and has really gone with the flow of things!

My dear husband Brett - im almost at a lack of words to express the ways in which he has changed recently. He is desperately seeking to fill his role as husband and father for our family. Brett and I are basically "Pioneer Parents" when it comes to teaching our children about God. And now that I think about it - we are also "Pioneer Spouses" as well. We want our children to grow up in a safe and secure home - a home where the main focus is on God. We don't want to be a "sunday family". We don't want our children to think that God is at church on Sunday and that's it..So this is all new to us and honestly it hasn't been easy by any means. Half the time we don't know what we are doing..what we are talking about..or where we are going on our new walk - but we are desperately seeking to learn more and more! We are trying to establish our roles, not only as parents, but as spouses as well. When Brett first found out that he got this job we had a long talk about where we wanted this new journey to take us. We talked about the ways in which we both failed miserably in the past and immediately knew we didn't want to go down that road again. Brett has done an amazing job sticking to his word ~ looking at everything in his life differently..right down to his job. He no longer sees it as a place to socialize and have buddies. He sees it as a huge responsibility..to himself, to his family, to his employers and most importantly to God. I can see the God "wheels" turning in this man!! I love how he has totally, 100% embraced this baby to be - and how he is already talking about adopting after this little one gets here! I love that he has let go of past worries..for example "how will we afford this or that.." and moved on to "just think..one day we will have lots of sweet children sitting around our kitchen table". I love that he often talks about renewing our wedding vows. We will be the first to admit that we didn't understand the true meaning..Gods meaning of marriage until now - and knowing that he would be honored to "do it right" this time around melts my heart. I love that he prays about putting a ring on my hand again...(we sold my wedding ring to pay for the rest of Liberty's headstone a few months ago..yes, it was sad and yes I did cry - but I know there will come a time that I will have another beautiful ring on my finger. Until then - I will just stick to my $11 rings from JCPenney's!) I love watching him grow in his walk!!! God has done amazing works in this man!! And I know this man will do amazing works for God!

Now on to...me. Oh my goodness. God has taken me so far the past few weeks. My heart felt so deeply depressed after Liberty died. I often wondered when and if ever, I was going to feel "normal" again. Lets just say it feels good not to feel normal! Every day I can feel myself growing in Christ. I find myself seeking joy from him - not everyone/everything else surrounding me. I am getting a better grasp of hearing satans lies right at the very beginning..not when I am so engulfed in them that I can hardly breathe. Daily I am reminding myself, my husband and my children that we are children of the most high God and that we are blessed. God has taken away so much of my constant worry and anxiety! In place of that I have found peace. Of course I still have days where I am sad..but I don't feel alone in my sadness. I know that God sees each and every tear that falls from my eyes. I remind myself that He knows my pain. I remind myself that He weeps. I remind myself that Mary felt the pain and sting of losing a child..and that brings me great peace. I have found myself thinking that Liberty truly is the lucky one - she doesn't have to feel pain, worry, stress, heartache..etc. And praise the Lord ~ when God calls His believers home - we won't either! Lately I have felt God bringing forgiveness into my heart..towards our marriage and towards our extended families. My focus has turned toward their salvation...instead of my own silly "injustices". I find myself praying for God to use me..to mold me..to break away my "tough exterior" so that I might be pleasing to Him at all times. I feel as though we are really, really starting to go against the flow of "normal" now and it really does feel good. I don't look at my children or my husband the same. I don't even see myself the way I once did. I have always struggled with trying to be pleasing to others - and that always seemed to make me feel miserable inside. I am learning to embrace the person God made and making my focus to be pleasing to Him - not myself or others. In fact, don't be surprised if my blog begins to change..! :) I feel with every other area in my life undergoing an extreme makeover - my blog better follow! So once we get settled into our new home ~ I will begin working on this as well!! I can't wait.

So as you can see..things have been...well, crazy and beautiful around here!! :)

I will try to get some pictures of the house on here asap. I have been slacking in the picture department that's for sure!! I pray this post finds all my blogging buddies doing well!

Remember..God is good all the time. All the time God is good!!

Love and hugs ladies!!!!!!!!

HOT...HOT...HOT TEXAS!

2009-06-10T08:13:00.000-07:00

Well we FINALLY made it!! We made the whole trip in one day - thankfully. It took us nearly 11 hours to get here. The girls slept the first two hours in the van..as soon as Aspen woke up she made me pull over because she felt like she was going to get sick!! And it all went down hill from there...lol. By the grace of God we made it here safe and sound - with my mind still in place! :)

The hotel stay is going okay. The first room we had was miserable. The air conditioning wasn't working at all. They tried to make us stay in the room over night - but after an 11 hour car trip with two crabby kiddos I just couldn't do it. So I asked them to move us to a room with a/c. That was quite an ordeal as you might imagine - we have SO much stuff here for the next 2 weeks. We had to use the crib to move stuff from one room to another! It was quite a sight let me tell ya!Thankfully God moved us on to "bigger and better things"! The room we are in now is quite a bit bigger (for the same price) and the a/c works wonderfully! :) So it all worked out...

The past few days have gone by so fast. On Sunday we went out and looked at our house. Wow!! It already looks AMAZING. The only thing we saw that they had left to do was some touch up painting and install the carpet! We went swimming in the neighborhood yesterday - and all I could do was stare at our house..day dreaming about actually being in it! :) I can't wait to get my feet inside that door. I feel so much happiness just thinking about it. We have so many plans to make our home feel warm and inviting to all who enter it. We want it to be a place where others can sense Gods warmth and love. We want it to be peaceful and calm in the evenings and playful and joyous in the mornings! I can already hear sweet worship music playing in the kitchen while I am preparing dinner :) I absolutely love to think about homeschooling in our new home. I have felt the desire to home school since the very moment I learned I was pregnant with Aspen - it was if God spoke right to my heart and pointed me in this direction! Am I nervous about homeschooling our children?? Of course!?! But I believe that God will lead us every step of the way - and in this new house is a perfect place for us to start!!! My heart feels like it's overflowing with love for my Lord and my Savior. So many people thought we were running from the past..running from what happened with Liberty and the pain that has followed since her death - but I don't see it as running away from something. Instead I see us running TOWARDS something. And the "something" I am referring to would, of course be, our Father!!

I feel God tugging on my heart in so many areas of my life right now. For example, many of you have read in past blogs about the troubles within our marriage. With my husbands permission I have openly shared the terrible effects that lust can have on a marriage...well yesterday we decided to drive to a mall around the area. I can honestly say I haven't been to a mall in years. Back "home" most of the malls consist of outdoor shopping areas. Boy oh boy it was quite a shock walking through the doors of an actual mall yesterday. Not only to me, but to my husband and even my 4 year old daughter. There were posters on every other wall with nearly naked women..we saw scrolling signs with these same types of pictures...teens were walking around holding hands, hugging, kissing, etc. - many who seemed to have missed the closet before they left the house. As you might imagine we didn't stay long. On the way back to the hotel I counted 6 billboards for strip clubs - many of which were very graphic. My heart broke a little bit more with each billboard we passed. It saddens me deeply that we live in a world where people rely so heavily on such things. My heart breaks that must husband wasn't taught to steer clear of such images and is now facing the consequences. My heart breaks that my daughters witnessed such images..especially so many times in one day. My heart breaks for the women on those billboards, in "those" videos, in "those" magazines..even across the internet. Deep inside they must feel so lost, so confused and so scared. My heart breaks for all of the families effected by such tragic situations - and yes, I do believe these things are tragic! It's a tragedy that our society complies with allowing these billboards, restaurants, images to be in plain sight - where the youngest of eyes can view. It's a tragedy that so many men think what they are doing/looking at "isn't that bad". It's a tragedy that men and women get tangled into these webs and often can't break free. It's a tragedy that husbands and wives are left with unanswered questions...wondering if their marriage vows were just a joke..wondering if things will ever get better. It's a tragedy that 1000's of young girls use their body at a very young age to gain attention from men. It's a tragedy that our bodies/minds/hearts aren't treated sacred. Thankfully we have someone to turn to, despite all of the clutter around us. Thankfully we have a Father in Heaven who loves us..who can shelter our hearts...who can bring us peace in the midst of chaos. Thankfully we can be forgiven of our past sins. Thankfully, with His help, we can overcome the webs we entangle ourselves in. Thankfully God can restore individuals..marriages..families. I know that my husband has fought and struggled with these types of things for a reason - I know that God is restoring our marriage for a reason. I know that we have gone through the pain and suffering for a reason. I don't want to roll over and act like non of this ever happened to our family. I don't want to brush it under the rug any longer. I don't want to sit on the sidelines..praying I don't have to deal with this any more..I want to get up and fight. I want to stand up and help my husband through this. I want to stand up and fight for our marriage. I want to get up and stand at HIS feet and ask for forgiveness and guidance - for He is the only one who can see us through this. I want to stand up and pray for the women and the men who have become caught up in satans lies -- the lies that tell us it's just harmless fun...I want my daughters and our baby to be to know the TRUTH! I want to fight for what is right. My marriage is worth saving. My husband is worth saving. My children are worth saving. GODS WORD IS WORTH SAVING!!!

I feel so blessed to have the chance to come to Texas...to get a fresh new start! I feel blessed to have a husband who is working so hard to make things right. I feel blessed that I have a place to call home (as of June 25th!!!). I feel blessed to have two beautiful little girls to watch grow..and laugh. I feel blessed to have spent 5 months and 3 days with our little Liberty. I feel blessed knowing I will be with my girl again in Heaven. I feel blessed for the way God has opened my eyes and my heart through these trials. I feel blessed to have another little surprise on the way. I feel blessed that God has put it on our hearts to adopt in the near future. I feel blessed that God has never ever left me...even when I fall so short of who He wants me to be. I feel blessed that He is there to help me climb each and every mountain this life has to offer. I feel blessed for all the wonderful friends I have met along this journey.

Most importantly I feel so blessed that we have a Father who loves us so deeply..a Father who believes in us - even when we don't believe in ourselves. A Father who opens His arms to us every single day..every minute of every day. I feel so blessed to have a Lord and Savior! I feel so blessed to have Gods word..to know that His word will quench any thirst I might have..to know that His love can withstand any storm that might come our way! I am blessed to feel hope..to feel peace..to feel calm! I am blessed to feel Him tugging at my heart - telling me the ways in which I need to change! BLESSED BLESSED BLESSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

:)

Texas Here We Come!!!

2009-06-05T21:14:00.000-07:00

That's right! First thing in the morning we are headed to Texas!! Everything is official - everyting is final!

It's nearly midnight and I FINALLY got done packing and loading up the cars. I am beyond exhausted as you might imagine....so, I was wondering if you all could join me in some prayers for Saturday!?!

We plan on leaving VERY early in the morning. We want to leave early enough that the girls can get a few hours of sleep in while we are driving. Cheyenne isn't too fond of her carseat right now - so the more time she spends sleeping during this trip the better! :) Brett and I have to take seperate cars - which makes the whole idea even more interesting let me tell ya. They are going to start off with me in our new mini-van - however, chances are they will end up riding with daddy when mommy can no longer take the screaming..lol. We will spend the next 19-20 days in a hotel - so please pray as we make this transition as well. Brett will be working a straight day shift during this time - so that will be nice for us girls. Please join us in prayer for a safe, easy trip to Dallas. The GPS says the trip should take 7 hours...unfortunetly the GPS doesn't factor in a 4 year old who has to go potty every few hours and a 10 month old who screams at the sight of her car seat!! Oh and a pregger mama who is supposed to "stretch" every two hours!! :) Soo..with that being said - im guessing it will take longer than 7 hours.

I will have my laptop in the hotel - so as soon as we get there and get "settled" I will update you all on our trip...Thanks for helping us cope the past 3 months!! My thoughts and prayers are with each of you as well..

God bless! Im FINALLY off to bed!!!!!!!!!!! Praise the Lord!!! God is good!

Car Troubles..Please help asap!!

2009-05-29T17:30:00.000-07:00

Hi everyone!

I was wondering if any of you happened to know anyone who knows a thing or two about cars...

We just started having a little trouble with my car..and I am praying that we can find someone to ask a few questions to who might be able to give us an idea of what is going on..

If you know anyone who might be willing to answer a question or two will you please send me an email or a message on my blog asap!?!?! My email is mommleavingalegacy@yahoo.com

Thank you SO much!

God bless.

Happy Birthday To Our Angel

2009-05-27T06:20:00.000-07:00

I can't believe that Liberty would have turned 2 on Sunday. I can't picture her as a bouncy two year old. The only image I have would be the 12lb. baby I said goodbye to in October 2007..I can only see the 5 month old who always took my breath away, day after day. The 5 month old who fought so hard each and every day of her life. The tiny baby girl who changed my life..forever.

The day was anything but easy. Brett and I went to the store to pick up some flowers for our girl. We walked up and down the aisle, looking for the perfect flowers to place in the vases on her headstone. I turned the corner and there it was..the dreaded "birthday aisle". I probably could have sat in the store and sobbed right there, but I knew I had to hold it together. I saw the princess stuff and for a split second I let my mind wander. What birthday theme would she have had this year? Two is a "big" age - such an exciting time.

Brett quietly steered me back to the flowers and at that moment I felt like we weren't "welcome" in the birthday aisle.
My heart felt heavy. We chose bright, cheery sunflowers this time. For Easter her headstone was decked out in pink flowers..pink, yellow and purple metal easter eggs, a cute little bunny sign along with some cute handpainted decorations my dear friend painted for Libby. This time we were going with sunflowers - something about the bright, cheery flower seemed comforting to both of us. We left the store and drove towards the cemetery.

I could feel my heart breaking down the closer we got. I literally felt like screaming..."No,no, no.. don't take me here! This isn't right! We should be planning a party instead of this.." but I sat quietly - my heart throbbing. We didn't say a word to one another..we both "knew".

As we pulled down the long drive, we saw Libby's monument. The tears immediately came to my eyes - but I held them back. I wanted to be strong. We got out of the car and Brett immediately started pulling out the old flowers. We noticed that someone had placed some new flowers in front of her headstone, along with a pink balloon on each side. At this point, we still do not know who did that...but it really warmed my heart to know that someone thought about our baby! I found myself saying "Happy Birthday Libby"...over and over again. I purchased two little star princess wands. One for me, one for Brett. I wrote a special b-day message on one and Brett did the same on the other. We stuck one star in each vase, surrounded by the cheery sunflowers. It looked so beautiful, yet so sad at the same time. I didn't really want to walk around to the back of her monument. I knew that her little picture was back there..seeing her there in black and white would be yet another blow, so I avoided it for a few minutes. Brett and I finally walked around to the back and sat on the grass together. We looked at her picture - what a beautiful little baby, so perfect, so pure. Then we read the poem beneath her pictures and we both cried.

"I sent my cares to the wind and asked the wind to pass them on to you, when you feel the wind against your face, that's me saying...I miss you"

Three other cars pulled into the cemetery..three other families were *visiting* their loved ones for memorial day. Families surrounded these monuments..tears fell, hands were held, necks were hugged. I felt the pain all around me. At that time I sobbed on Brett's chest. I felt so angry..so lost..so confused. Not so much about Liberty not being "here" to celebrate her birthday, but because we should have been surrounded...surrounded by family. We should have felt hugs around our necks, we should have seen other people saddened by our loss, we should have felt their support and love - but we were alone. Nobody called. Nobody texted. Nobody sent a card. Did our family even remember? Did they remember they had a great granddaughter, granddaugther, neice, and cousin who would have been turning two years old??? I can't understand or explain their actions. And honestly I don't know why I am surprised by this..most of our family has never even been out to the cemetery before..ever..so why would they come now? But I am human..and I was weak..and it did hurt. I cried. I wanted to feel loved and supported. I wanted to feel that my daughter was remembered...that she was not already forgotten.

At that moment I said a prayer. I NEEDED to feel Gods love surrounding me..and I needed it right then and right there..so I prayed. I prayed for God to give me a sign of his love. I prayed for God to show me that He was right there with us..that He knew how much pain we were in...I needed to know that He knew exactly how lonely we felt. I needed to know that He had "my" girl right there with Him. I needed to feel His love for us and for Liberty..so I prayed. I asked God to send down some rain. I desperately wanted to feel Him washing over me. I wanted that sense of peace and security..so I prayed and prayed. Right away huge rain drops fell from a perfectly, bright sunny sky. I looked up and cried. I let the drops fall all over me. I felt them on my hot skin and I felt so much relief..instantly. Talk about a moment to remember..I no longer felt upset that we were "alone" at the cemetery because I knew that God was there - right there with us.

And I found peace.

We both felt peace surrounding us.

We said "Happy Birthday Libby" one last time..knowing full and well that our sweet girl was in the best possible place..ever.

I pray daily, several 100 times a day for God to heal my aching heart. I pray several 100 times a day for God to heal the relationship between us and our families. But most importantly, I pray several 100 times a day for our families to find Christ..oh how my heart longs for them to be saved. I want to feel that bond with our families - a bond that only God can give. I want them to find comfort in God. I want them to look toward our Lord and Savior each and every day. Will you join me in prayer for our families!?!

I am so very thankful that we were able to get to know our sweet Liberty for 5 months before God called her home. I am thankful that we will be with her again. I am thankful for the changes that have taken place inside my heart..for all the ways in which God is molding me and shaping me. I am thankful that God has chosen us to be Libby's parents. I am thankful that God is here each and every step of the way, to help us through this journey. I am thankful for the people God has placed in my life through this blog. I am thankful for the ecards from my friends on Libby's birthday. I am thankful for the phone calls and listening ears during my time of need. I am thankful that we are never going through this life alone - God is always here with us. What a blessing we have in Christ! I truly am blessed on so many levels.

I have another little prayer request I would like to share with my "prayer warriors". Brett and I were talking the other night about how many other families out there are going through similar situations without the love and support of family and/or friends. I remember one couple in particular..they were right across from us in Children's Mercy. A young couple..Probably in their teens. Well someone gave us $50 annoymonously - to help with medical bills and what not...we saw these young teens..struggling to simply get by and felt God calling us to pass the money onto them. So we annoymonously slipped the money into their sign in folder, with a little note praying for them and their sweet newborn baby boy. We later found out that they had absolutely NO help from their family. Basically their family had "disowned" them for having a baby out of marriage. And we are fairly certain that their baby was unable to survive the heart condition he was born with...so I often think of this young couple - wondering how they are doing now, a year and a half later. I am praying for God to turn the troubling times we have gone through into good. Brett and I are praying for God to lead us in a direction that would be most pleasing to Him. We both feel perhaps we could offer a helping hand to other families who are hurting..other families who might lack love and support from family. Perhaps there is another mother out there who would love for someone to remember their childs birthday with her each year? Or maybe there is another young couple who simply needs a listening ear and a praying heart on their side?! Will you join us in prayer for God to lead us in a direction that would be helpful to other families?? We have so much excitement in our heart concerning our move to Texas - we feel Gods blessing over the entire move and we are looking forward to meeting new friends and finding a new church home!!! :o) God is good..all the time. All the time..God is good!

Lots of love and hugs!! Thanks for your love and support!

Blog? What blog?

2009-05-17T11:00:00.001-07:00

*Where oh where has my little blog gone...where oh where could it be?*

Yes it seems as though I have fallen off of blog-land all together! Ugh. I have had so many different things going through my mind lately and quite honestly I didn't even know where to start.

On May 8th Aspen Lee turned 4 years old. I can't believe how much she has changed in just the past year...but now, when I look at Cheyenne I can picture Aspen at that age. They look like twins. I remember the day Aspen was born. It was Mothers Day and they induced me 8 weeks early because I had pre-eclampsia. I was 22 years old..500 miles away from *home* and 2 hours away from our house in Altus, OK. I was scared beyond belief. 11 hours after they induced me we had our first glimpse of our precious little miracle baby. She was so tiny. 3lbs 11oz. She came out screaming and hasn't stopped since. She has such a firey little personality...much like her mama. She is beautiful. Long blonde hair - blue eyes that sparkle and a laugh that can melt the hardest of hearts. She has such a tender heart for others. She loves to play mommy and loves to nurture. She fills our lives with so much laughter. She loves to dance and sing, but gets embarrassed immediately after everyone claps for her. She is growing up so quickly and I am so proud of her. I love to listen to her prayers. She has a heart for God and loves to learn about Jesus. I look at her and I am thankful...

Mother's Day was...well, hard. Yes of course I was rejoicing for the two beautiful girls before my eyes, and for the precious child I am carrying..however, my arms were still aching for my little angel baby. Mother's Day is yet another reminder of that 5 month old baby who stole my heart...the tiny little blessing we are and will forever be missing. We went out to dinner with Brett's family on Mother's Day. Brett and I rode together to the restaurant - I sobbed the whole way there. What I would do just to have that girl back in my arms..even just for a day - although I know deep down that would NEVER be enough. I wiped my tears and put my *happy face* back on. We had dinner, got back in the car, and the tears started again. I didn't want anyone to make me feel better. I didn't want to think about anything but Liberty. I felt as though I finally deserved to have a good cry. It seems whenever I cry these days someone is telling me "it's okay, don't cry. she is safe and healthy now with God". Well of course I know these things - but sometimes it still hurts and I still miss her dearly. Oh what I would have done for someone to simply MENTION HER NAME to me on Mother's Day...Just to hear her precious name would have meant sooooo much to me - but like every other day, it was left unspoken. And that was hard.

Liberty's birthday is coming up so quickly. I am having mixed emotions to say the least. May 24th is her special day. She would be turning two years old this year. I try and let my mind wander...to think about what she would look like at two, what her personality might be like..to think about the party we would be planning for her, etc. But I quickly snap out of it. I know that I cannot stay *there* - that is not reality. Unfortunately I had my hopes up for what May 24th would hold. I thought maybe just maybe things would go as I had planned - but it's easy to see that this will not be the case. I was really hoping that our parents, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles and great grandmothers would join us at the cemetery to remember our girl. Well that's not going to happen. My side of the family will be at the lake for Memorial Day weekend. My mom has to work. And everyone else has plans...heartbreaking but not surprising. I am not going to allow my mind to *here* either. I can't make anyone remember Liberty. They have a choice to make. Only they can decide to remember their granddaughter, niece and great granddaughter - we can't force them to do so. It does hurt - however I am certainly doing my best to cling to my Heavenly Father. He knows. He remembers. He cares.

Cheyenne Hope is thriving. She is getting SO big. I look at her and see so much of Aspen...and again, I am thankful. She was born 9 months and 3 days after Libby went to Heaven. She is almost 10 months old now. She is crawling everywhere, wanting to explore everything. She loves to pull herself into the standing position and I am betting it won't be long until she starts trying to take a step or two. She is so brave. She loves to laugh and has the sweetest grin. I can't wait to get my computer up and running at our new house so I can post some pictures of her. She is such a baby doll and a total mommy's girl. Except her first words were for her daddy..she always looks at him and says "hi dad" with a big smile and a wave. :o) On July 30th she will be 1..hard to believe and exciting at the same time. All I can say is I am thankful.

On to a lighter note...

We finally have a move date!!! We found out on May 7th that they wanted us in Texas on May 10th! Well obviously someone dropped the ball and failed to TELL US - so long story short Brett had to get the date changed. The next date that was given to us was May 24th. My hopes were certainly up for this date to start our new life - however this date also fell through. Both airports have to agree on a date - the 24th was not working for Brett's current facility..so now the date is June 7th!!

I am beyond excited to move! Today we reserved our extended stay hotel room for 3 weeks. Our house won't be done until the 25th of June - although our realtor sent us pictures of the progress they have made so far -- WOW! They have done an amazing job on the house so far. It looks beautiful already! I can't wait to get in there and make it our home!! I have such a peace and enjoyment inside my heart when I think about moving into our new house. I smile from ear to ear when I even think about all of it. Im not so confident about staying in a hotel for 3 weeks. In fact, if anyone has any tips for having an infant in a hotel room - PLEASE let me know. I don't know how we will work out nap time every day. Aspen doesn't nap. Im pregnant and tired - I could nap anytime, anywhere. lol I have read on the Disney message boards that some mommies would put the crib in the bathroom at nap time - so the baby could nap while the older kids could do little projects, eat lunch or just rest. At first I thought "there is no way I could do that" - but now I am quickly realizing that I just might have to give it a whirl. Brett will be on straight days, from 7-3:30 Monday - Friday while he is in training. So it will just be me and the girls during the day. Im not quite sure how I will entertain Aspen and *contain* Cheyenne in a tiny room for 3 weeks - but I know that I will do it with a smile because its one step closer to our home!!! :o) Any tips on how to make this an easy transition please feel free to speak up! I can use all the help I can get on this one!! lol

Brett and are I so excited about the changes taking place all around us. We are still in awe over everything that has happened since we first felt God pulling us to Texas. We can feel our marriage strengthening each and every day. I feel in my heart that we will find a *soft place to land* with a great church family!!

God is AMAZING!!!!

2009-04-22T18:39:00.000-07:00

Okay, so this post is LONG overdue! Things have been...well...hectic around here! It's been quite an adjustment period for us and the children..especially with two sick girls and one tired mama. :0)

I have actually been working on this post the past few days. I find myself typing a few sentences and then erasing everything I just put down. In all honestly I am AMAZED with the works God is doing all around me right now...and with that being said, I have had some trouble writing this blog because I want to make sure I am bringing HIM all the glory that is due!

Words cannot even begin to describe everything that has been going on around us! So bear with me as I try to put all of these amazing events into words..

*Texas was...WOW!

Wonderful! Bright! Beautiful! Warm! Sunny! Huge! Exciting!

*There were churches EVERYWHERE!

I can easily see why some call it the "Bible belt". I remember on the way to Dallas we came across a hill...a huge, beautiful almost lonely looking mountain. We drove past at sunset and something (meaning GOD!!) caused me to turn around after we drove past it to take a second look..I turned myself around in the car and immediately my jaw dropped. On the tippy top of this hill/mountain were the letters J E S U S written in beautiful, bright white lights! I smiled from ear to ear - Thank You Lord for this beautiful sign! Thank you for making yourself SOOOO very clear on our trip to Texas! I will certainly NEVER forget this breathtaking sight.

Brett and I are beyond exciting to see where God is going to lead us for our next church home. We are in desperate need of loving fellowship and worship! We can't wait to walk through these doors that God has in store for us!!!

*Our hardship package fell on KIND hearts! We had already heard story after story about hardships that had fallen through in the past. How people had submitted hardships in hopes of relocating CLOSER to loved ones...some went through, but many were denied. We were warned that our package wouldn't be very 'convincing' because we were indeed trying to relocate 500 miles AWAY from our family. That the people in charge of making these decisions were anything but compassionate...Well we put our trust in God - not in the things people were telling us. All I have to say is..Wow! God was turning the 'hardest of hearts' into mush right before our eyes. Brett wanted me to join him as he met with the management team at the the DFW airport. I wasn't sure this was the best idea but I trusted his judgement and went with him. At first, the meeting was...well....rough, to say the least. It was a tense meeting..almost like "what are you doing here..why are you wasting our time..etc". They wanted to know in detail WHY we wanted to relocate to DFW..I could feel my face grow red. My skin felt hot. I could sense the tears coming. Brett began telling them about Liberty. Quickly they asked about the family support we received following her death. Brett and I looked at one another and something just came over me..this shy, timid girl sitting before them poured out her heart. I remember praying that God would direct my words. I prayed that our story and desires would fall on soft, compassionate hearts. As the words came from my mouth I saw God working right before my eyes. Tears welled up in everyone's eyes. Attitudes changed. The tension left the room. The meeting was VERY short but we felt that God had made himself very clear. We spent the next 45 minutes in the radar room of DFW. We felt blessed that they would allow us to witness the controllers in 'action'. Again..we have heard nightmares about how busy this airport is. Brett has been told time and time again that this airport is basically out of his 'league'. That there is no way he could possibly handle this type of environment. Was it a shock to walk into the pitch black Radar room? Was it a shock to see 30(+) scopes filled with tiny green numbers, representing airplanes? Was it a shock to see 20+ controllers busy at work? Of course..especially for me. Did I feel out of my element? Of course! This is because my "office" consists of diapers, wipes, and extra changes of clothes..my day is filled with making breakfast, lunch and dinner, reading stories, kissing boo-boo's, dancing and singing..learning and growing. I only have two co-workers at the moment..one is 3 and one is 8 months old! I was WAY out of my element upon stepping through those double doors. But..on the other hand..Brett was completely IN his element. Brett looked like a child in a candy store. He was listening in on conversations between the controllers and the pilots. He was asking questions and examining the answers. The previous 'horror stories' he had heard were QUICKLY replaced with "Praise the Lord! I CAN do this! I KNOW I can do this!" Many of the controllers were very open, very honest. They gave us some great insight into which neighborhoods we should look at. We could sense God changing our hearts as well...He was easing some of our previous doubts and fears. Again, making Himself very evident! Then, the very next morning..bright and early, Brett recieved a phone call saying that the management team were pushing our hardship through! They were going to offer Brett a job..AT DFW..IN THE VERY RADAR ROOM WE WERE JUST IN! Yes! This IS the LEVEL 12 FACILITY we have been praying for ever since we first felt God nudge our hearts towards the move to Texas! :0) Amazing!

We already have a place to call HOME! Yes, you 'heard' me right! We found home while we were visiting Texas! Wow! The area surrounding the house is SO peaceful, so beautiful! Definitely a great place to raise little ones! We saw Gods hands working left and right as we were looking for a place to call home...We are currently having a brand new home built..in a wonderful little subdivision! The builder knocked $11,000 of the price of the home so that our monthly payments would be the same as the payments we had here! We are locked in at an incredible rate.. 4.5 to be exact!! They are going to reimburce the cost of temporary living since our house won't be complete until June 25th! And they are paying all of our closing costs...amazing! My scanner is currently in the storage unit otherwise I would have pictures posted ALL over! The house is so beautiful. It's a four bedroom home - with HUGE rooms. The master bedroom is down on the main level, with a HUGE bathroom and a closet that is big enough for me to live in! :0) The other bedrooms are upstairs with a HUGE 'game room' - which we will use for our homeschooling room! They are putting in a fence, underground sprinkler system and landscaping. We "lucked out" (meaning God worked it out) - so that we are the last phase of homes going up in this neighborhood. They have since decided to add on a covered patio in the backyard and a huge covered porch in the front!! Our lot is very near the community pool which means I won't have to load up two wet (soon to be three) little ones in car seats! Instead we will be able to walk right across the stree..across from our backyard, to the pool. Aspen is THRILLED about this of course! :o) It's been quite a challenge being without our own home the past two months - so I simply cannot WAIT to get my hands on this house! I can't wait to turn this house into our HOME! A place to call our own. A place to feel safe and secure. A place to love and grow.

Even writing this blog tonight..my mind is still amazed! I love how much we have grown the past few months. I love that we were able to 'jump off the deep end' because this meant that God could finally catch us! We left ALL of this up to Him and He has gone above and beyond! I am SO thankful that we didn't listen to all the negative comments along the road. I am SO thankful that God continued to pull on our hearts..continued to lead us in the right direction! Sometimes my mind wanders and I think about what would have happened if we would have chickened out...I mean, for goodness sakes..We had SO much going on when we felt this tug to move. I found out that my husband had been unfaithful in his commitments to God, to me and our children. Some people say "my marriage is on the rocks..." - well I can honestly say our marriage had already fallen off the rocks when God began to work on my heart about Texas! Then of course just the ongoing journey of grief is more than 'enough' to deal with on a day to day basis. Then to have two little children..and suddenly and surprisingly another one on the way!! Wow - EVERYONE thought we were CrAzY and probably still does. Words will never explain the whole reason behind our move. Words simply cannot describe the feeling of God leading you somewhere...all I can say is A*M*A*Z*I*N*G!

*God revealed HIMSELF through my sonogram this week! I have had two previous sonograms already. Both of which showed an "empty sack". Both of which caused my heart to skip a beat. Both of which made me cling to Him even more. During this
3rd ultrasound things started out the same as the previous two. The doctor seeing only an empty sack on the monitor..the doctor sighing..not saying a word..tension filling the room. "Please Lord, make yourself known in this room, let yourself be seen" - then boom - just like that there was our little peanut on the screen! The doctor almost jumped back..."OH BEAUTIFUL! THERE IS YOUR BEAUTIFUL LITTLE PEANUT!" she says. My heart skipped a beat and my face was beaming...I felt God all over! Inside and out! Then the doctor showed me the beatiful beating heart. She turned the sound up and my eyes filled with tears...my heart was soaring! Im already in love with this precious little miracle! Aspen still says boy..but daddy say's girl! In about 13 weeks we will finally have our answer - either way I am one proud/happy mommy! Praising God for the miracle He is forming inside of me! AMAZING!

I am PRAISING HIS NAME because NON of this could have happened without Him! I absolutely LOVE that other people are witnessing His power and His truths through the doors He has opened..doors that most people thought couldn't/wouldn't be opened for us. Doors that were once locked are now wide open! I love the feeling of free falling right into GODS ARMS! Oh what a feeling!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you SO much for keeping us in your prayers the past few months. I continue to lift you and your family up in my prayers as well..always! I hope through this post I was able to bring light to our Lord and Saviour. I hope that you can see Gods might hand at work the way we have. I pray you are able to trust in God enough to jump off the deep end..and fall right into His loving arms! It's a great place to be!

Hugs and love to ALL of my blogging gals...
Kelly

Texas..Here we come!

2009-04-13T10:53:00.000-07:00

Hello bloggin gals!

Sorry it's been so long..things have been..well...hectic! It's been up and down - here and there - and everywhere in between.

Brett and I are leaving for Dallas around 3:30 this afternoon and I must admit that we are extremely excited! We are happy to scope out some neighborhoods, some houses and just Dallas in general. The last time we went to Dallas I was a few months pregnant with Miss Aspen and in less than a month she will be turning 4 - so it's been a LONG time! And honestly I don't remember ANYTHING from that trip - other than being completely sick 24/7...not the best of memories let me tell ya. Please pray for the girls and my parents while we are apart. Cheyenne is quite a handful 24/7 - I call her my 'spirited' lil lady! Soooo..it might make for a long week for everyone involved! lol Please pray for patience and sanity..love and kindness! I will miss my girls SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO much but I feel like I might come back home as a new, refreshed mama!! So I am really looking forward to the trip.

News and updates:
*The management here told us that Brett could not qualify for the Dallas Fort Worth airport. He is currently working at a level 9 facility and DFW is a level 12. The 'rule' is, you have to be a rated controller for 52 weeks at your current facility before you can move to a higher level facility. Soooo...this automatically meant that Brett could not apply for DFW, according to management. Thankfully our God is bigger than management!! Three weeks ago this 'rule' was changed for anyone requesting a move based on a hardship! This meant that Brett could indeed get a job at DFW - GREAT NEWS!! We have been working with a wonderful lady in Dallas the past two weeks trying to make this happen. She is helping us on so many levels and feels that Brett should have no problem getting a job at this higher level facility! Praise God for this wonderful news - plus, this will eventually mean a huge pay raise for our family!!
*On Tuesday Brett and I are going to meet with a lady in charge of hiring at the 3 facilities at DFW. We wanted her to have a face along with the hardship package - so she set up a time for us to meet with her. We are extremely excited to meet her and speak with her about our current situation and the hopes for the near future.
*Also, I had another u/s last week. They assumed I was 6 weeks along but weren't 100% certain so they went ahead with the u/s. It was a scary 15-20 minutes let me tell you. She scanned and scanned - not saying a word. Finally she asked how certain we were about the due date and me actually being 6 weeks along. We told her that we actually had NO idea how far along I was and the reason for the u/s was to help determain the actual date...She went on to tell us that it is her 'professional oppinion' that I was not yet 6 weeks along. She thought that I had just hit 5 weeks and this was the cause of the things she was seeing...or not seeing rather. She said that I was about a week too early to actually see the baby yet. She went on to say that she isn't 'worried' and so far, what she can see looks 'perfectly normal'. So we all took a sigh of relief after all of this..now we are just waiting until my next appointment (next week) to have another scan done. I have been feeling pretty good. Feeling sick quite a bit - thankfully never actually getting sick! Praise the Lord! Aspen is thrilled about this little one and swears up and down that she is having a "Christmas brother" :o) Our parents on the other hand are anything BUT excited and quite honestly that just breaks my heart. I have so much love for this little surprise already - I just don't understand how they can not see him/her for the miracle he/she is!?! Another reason I am thankful to get a new start in Dallas..(sigh and slight smile..)

Well here it is nearly 2 hours until we start on our newest adventure..and I still have LOTS to get done - so I better run! I pray this post finds you all doing well. Please keep in touch lovely ladies!! I always look forward to hearing from each of you!!!

In His Love,
Kelly

Confusion

2009-04-02T14:05:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wish I could hop on this blog and share 'perfect' faith. I wish that I didn't stumble so often. I wish that my mind never wandered and I felt at peace with everything going on around me. I wish that I felt at ease, 100% of the time, with Liberty being in Heaven instead of here in my arms. I wish that confusion and discouragement never ever had the opportunity to creep in - that I always handled these things with grace and ease.

To be completely honest the reason I have not written on my blog lately is because I feel like I will be letting everyone down. Sometimes I feel like I have to be strong 100% of the time - that the hard things going on around me shouldn't matter - that my faith should be 'right on' 24/7 so these things will never get to me. I feel like I am letting my guard down here and now, although in all actuality my guard has been down for quite some time. It's hard to admit when you are weak..when the littlest things come up and cause you to fall..but that's right where I find myself today...and over the past few weeks.

Living with family has not been an easy transition. One of the main reasons we are wanting to move to Texas is to put some space between us and family - and yet we have been living under the same roof as them for almost a month now. Don't get me wrong we love our family and we are thankful for them. Things simply got really messed up when Liberty was born. They chose not to be a part of her life for fear that she would not make it. I see other mommy's in 'blog-land' who have had support throughout the pregnancy and then after the delivery..and in most cases, after the death of their beloved child. We have not had that. We went through the pregnancy, delivery and death alone. Many of Libby's pictures have been removed from relatives homes. I honestly cannot remember the last time someone in our family even spoke her 7 letter name to us. Nobody visits her at the cemetery. Nobody calls to check in on us to see how we are dealing with everything. We have spoken with our families about our desires to even hear her name these days and they often say that it makes them too "uncomfortable". This makes me wonder how the death of my child makes me "comfortable"?!?! Many things have happened over the past 2 years that have been hard to understand and except. We have spent many, many months - actually probably close to our (almost) 5 years of marriage studying what the Bible has to say about respecting and loving our parents. We certainly don't want to hurt them. We don't want to disrespect them. We want to love them the way God intends for us to love them...and that is one hope from putting some distance between us and them.. we simply want to love them - not rely on them, not expect anything positive from them - just love them. We have faced tons of opposition from family members with the news of the move and the news of the baby 2 be. We almost expected this from them and certainly weren't surprised by it. They have suddenly pulled the "guilt card" out from their bag of tricks the past week or so. Making me feel guilty for wanting to move to Texas. Talking about how we are being selfish - taking their grandbabies away from them. This does break my heart. I don't want to steal the joy they find in their grandchildren - but it also breaks my heart that Liberty was not "one of them"...that Liberty never really made it to the grandchild priority because of the circumstances. It breaks my heart that we have went through 17 months of uncharted grief territory alone - without the love and advice we hoped would shine through from them. Their comments lately have caused me to stumble. They have caused me to second guess the place we felt God calling us to. They have caused me to feel guilt and shame - fear and anxiety. When I take everyone else outside of the picture and simply think of Brett, myself and the girls I love the idea of moving to Texas. Yes, sometimes I wonder how on earth everything will ever work out..especially after hitting one road block after another - but when I finally quiet myself and think about the spiritual growth that will take place in Texas, my heart soars! I love the idea of starting over somewhere new - getting a fresh start in big, beautiful Texas!

Another area of confusion is coming from Brett's job. Wow..has he had some 'backlash' from coworkers since the beginning of this journey! People saying such things as "must be nice to file a hardship so you can move to Texas" -- Oh how I would love to speak with this person face to face. I would LOVE for him to know the details of our hardship. The details of Libby's life and death. The details of night the funeral home director coming to take her lifeless body from my arms..the way I cried in the street of our neighborhood until Brett finally had to pick me up and carry me inside. The details of the harsh side of grief. Oh how I wish he knew that Liberty's life and death meant SOMETHING to us. But I know this is pointless - if one has never planned a funeral for their precious child they simply cannot understand the "hardship" that follows! I pray for Brett while he is at work. Some people see his desire to transfer to another airport as unneccisary. They don't think it is "fair" for him to go from a level 9 airport to a level 12 airport "just because" we lost a daughter. We see the hardship as a way to adjust and advance. Of course, to keep from ruffling feathers, we could stay here. We could keep to ourselves and keep quiet. We could continue down this same path of grief we have been on the past 17 months - but quite honestly I can't imagine God would WANT us to settle. I can't imagine my God, my Father, would ever want me to just be a sitting duck while life passes me by. I can't imagine that God would want me to spend the next 80 years driving down these same streets - the ones that cause me so much emotional pain and heartache. I can't imagine that God wouldn't want me to grow spiritually closer to Him..and to my husband. I felt one year ago - that God told us to "WAIT"...and that is what we did. We had our house on the market one year ago, at this same time..we thought we were doing the right thing - then I felt in my heart that He said we should "WAIT". I prayed more about this and then felt that I should share this with Brett. Together we prayed and together we felt the same message "WAIT". So, that's what we did. We took our house off the market. We changed some things in the home. We tried to take our mind of everything. We had Cheyenne. We found a cemetery for Liberty..and we waited. Now I feel God saying "GO"...and even though I am sensing Him saying "GO" I still find myself so confused. I feel a bit confused as to why I even feel confused. I am not sure why I have let everyone else and their opinion matter so much. I am not sure why I have let these disappointments and road bumps get to me the way they have. Getting transferred to Dallas on a "hardship" has become even more of a hardship for us than we ever could have imagined. The negative attitudes..the lack of support from management and everything in between. The hardship package Brett had to fill out says to list all facilities, up to 3 levels higher than current position. So that is what he did. The package has to pass through 4 facilities to get approved. Management told us that he has to be a certified controller for 52 weeks before he can work for a higher level facility...we did our research and NO WHERE does it say that he has to be there for 52 weeks first! We tried to fight this - nothing came of it. They just try to come back with lower level facilities, most of which would have a huge financial burden on our family! Obviously this is making the whole hardship situation even harder on us. Finally we gave up and 'accepted' the move to the lower facility in Dallas - tihnking that, at least, we would get out of here. Then a year from now he could transfer to the higher level facility. Well we got word last week that management was wrong and there is still a very small possibility that he could get a job at the higher facility in Dallas. Of course this was good news - but its still hard to get our hopes up since these people have not wanted to really help us out at all so far. Soooo we are sitting...waiting. No move date, now unsure about which airport he will be at, how much he will be making, when he will start. Road bump after road bump. At this time I don't even know what to pray for/about. I don't know how to take the criticism that comes from family and coworkers. I don't know if I should be hopeful about the higher level airport in Dallas or if we should just "settle" for their first offer and hit the dust. I am doing thing alone tonight since Brett is working the night shift...however I plan on spending LOTS Of time in prayer tonight when the girls go to bed. I feel so jumbled inside..not knowing if I am coming or going. Not knowing if God wants us to pursue the higher facility or settle for the lower one. Not knowing exactly how to respond to everyone around us. When did I allow myself to get so confused and so worked up? And why? What happened to my solid faith? Where did I go wrong and how do I get back on track?

I miss my girl. I know that she is in perfect peace and has perfect health, but the mommy in me misses her. I wish I could hold her. Touch her. Give her a nice warm bath and tuck her into bed. But that is not an option and that is hard to grasp sometimes. The not knowing of where we will be living, where Brett will be working and when we will have to be there is unnerving at times. I know that life is not meant to be a bed of roses. That this life will never reach perfection. I know that I will never be pleasing to everyone around me...especially as I change more and more of myself to be pleasing to God. I am just finding it hard to let go right now...

Please pray for me to make it through this day/night. Please pray for me to feel Gods loving arms wrapped around me. Please pray for me to find discernment in the many things going through my head and my heart. Please pray for my husband as he makes many choices that will affect all of us. Thank you so much, in advance, for your love and support. And thank you for simply letting me vent the issues on my heart so openly and honestly.

I will keep you posted on the happenings as they fall into place! God bless each and everyone of you..
In His Love,
Kelly

Carpet Stains...buh-bye!

2009-03-29T18:43:00.000-07:00

Hey ladies...

We just had a VERY eventful night! So I thought I would share all of our WiLd adventures with the rest of you... :0)

In about a 5 minute time span we spilt an entire glass of red juice on my in-laws carpet, put a hole in the basement wall and spread a tiny ink stain into a HUGE stain! (right next to the juice stain!!) Yes it was PURE chaos - RIGHT BEFORE BEDTIME!

Thankfully we were able to fix two of the three 'oopsies'! The hole in the wall is still there. Technically it's not a hole..it didn't bust completely through the wall but it did put a huge, black dent in the perfect little wall! I know you are all probably wondering what exactly put the dent in the wall - Not sure if any of you have ever heard of or tried a Gazelle before? It's almost like a cheap elliptical machine! Well when the laptop was being set on the table it tipped over the entire glass of red juice..at this time I jumped off the Gazelle to start wiping up the stain! Brett took off in search of stain remover and paper towels..and Aspen took off towards the Gazelle! She hopped right on up there - trying to imitate mommy - however, unlike mommy, she went so WiLd on it that she hit the wall!!! Yikes. I don't think Grandpa Larry will be too happy with any of us when he sees his perfect wall - now sporting this 'perfect' dent! Yikes. To make the story more interesting my in-laws were out of stain remover and paper towels! I decided to try something I had never tried before - I know pretty risky considering all the damage that had already been done - but I didn't feel like we had any other choice! I put two cups of warm water in a bowl, then mixed in 5 drops of Dawn dish soap..I soaked a plain white towel in the water - then rung it out. I placed the wet towel on top of the stain and then took an iron set on low and basically steamed the stain out! It took about 15-20 minutes of rinsing, dipping back in the water/soap solution and steaming it with the iron BUT the entire stain was lifted from the carpet!! Just make sure you keep the iron moving and also make sure the iron stays on the towel - not on the bare carpet!! It seriously worked like a charm!

Then it was time to move on to the ink stain! We used a different white washcloth, dipped it in milk and slowly worked the stain out. Three tiny applications of the milk completely lifted the entire stain OUT! Whew!

Brett's parents are actually out of town right now!! Probably a good thing - his dad would have went kind of crazy had he seen all of this chaos going on! LOL

I'm hoping that our little fiasco will help you some of you if you are ever in a similar situation with a laptop, red juice, gazelle and ink stain! HA HA

Hope you are having a peaceful night. This mommy is EXHAUSTED. I'm off to bed now! Love and Hugs!

The house hunt begins...Please pray!

2009-03-29T10:02:00.000-07:00

Hey everyone!

Things have been BUSY here to say the least. Brett and I have so much to get done over the next few weeks...but we are excited to do it all because we know it will get us one step closer to T-E-X-A-S!!!! YeeHaw :0)

I was wondering if any of you happen to know anything about foreclosed homes. Clearly we have been doing most of our research online (since we are over 500 miles away from Texas). We still have to choose a few days to travel down to Texas to see the homes in person - until then we are in the process of simply making a list of our "favorite" ones that we hope to see. We quickly noticed many of the homes in Texas are foreclosed homes. We don't really know much about this area of real estate. Of course some of these homes have been seriously trashed - which is a task I don't wish to take on at this time! However many of the homes are still in great condition and priced well below their appraised value. Have any of you purchased a foreclosure before? If so...how did it work out? Any and all tips will be greatly appreciated as this is all new to us and we have very little time to get everything accomplished.

Our original plan was to rent when we got down to Dallas! That plan quickly changed when we looked that the price/condition of rental properties! Then we thought about renting an apartment for a year or so -- well lets just say the news of the baby changed our minds fairly quickly. I don't think all 5 of us could fit in an apartment at this time! lol We then looked into temporary housing and/or furnished apartments for just a short time - to allow us a few months to look for a home after we move. Well..again - the plans changed immediately! We looked at the price of doing this and it would cost us well, well over $2000 a month - that's more than the mortgage of the homes we are looking for! yikes! With this said - let the house hunting BEGIN!

If by some small chance you know anyone in the Dallas or Fort Worth area who is looking to sale, please let us know. Here are some things we are looking for in our next house;

*two story
*4+ bedrooms
*Prefer the master b/r down
*Not wanting to go over $170,000 at this time
*P.S. It really MUST be a 'short sale'..towards the end of April or beginning of May!

Speaking of the price - WOW - we were pleasantly surprised by the houses we have seen so far! Homes are TERRIBLY expensive in MO! A $170,000 home here wouldn't get you too much! Our last home was in the $160's - it was a 1700 square foot house, 3 SMALL (we are talking TINY) bedrooms, 2 baths, kitchen was beautiful, formal dining, small living area - Thankfully we got a great deal to finish our basement - it only cost us $4,500 for the basement and another bathroom. Typically it will cost over $10,000 to get a basement done in this area! Soooo we were certainly blessed to get it done so cheap! We are just amazed that we can get basically double the house, for the price, in Texas! Makes us VERY excited to move, let me tell ya!

So! If you know anything about purchasing a foreclosed home or know anyone who is looking to put their house on the market let me know! You can email me any details you might have; momleavingalegacy@yahoo.com

Another little bit of news...Friday I had my first doctor appointment! Everyone in the office was SHOCKED to see us back so soon! LOL My doctor about fell out of her chair :0) So needless to say everyone got a good laugh that day! I was thankful that my doctor decided to go ahead and do a quick ultrasound to see how far along I was. She wanted to make sure I wasn't actually farther along that I thought...She warned us that we might not even see the tiny sack yet -- but we could!! :o) We saw this tiny black sack and my heart skipped a beat and I immediately fell in love! Brett and I are getting more and more excited every day. Aspen is thrilled about having another baby and is certain that this one is going to be a boy! She was right with Liberty and Cheyenne, so she just might be right again! Anyway, things are going great so far! The dr. said that everything looked perfect. She was blown away by the fact that I had Liberty in 2007, 9 months later, in 2008, I delivered Cheyenne and now..a 2009 baby! Praising God for this special surprise!! And praising God that I have been feeling so well - perhaps Aspen is right, maybe this is a boy??? lol

Thanks for all of your help, advice and prayers!! I will keep you all posted on the move, the girls, the marriage and the baby! Love you all!

118:24

2009-03-26T10:00:00.000-07:00

1 day

A day that marks 17 months since Liberty passed away.

4 days

The number of days until Cheyenne Hope turns 8 months old.

14 days

The number of days until our 5th anniversary.

20 days

The number of days it took to for our home to sell.

20 days

The number of days we have been living with our parents.

43 days

The number of days until Aspen Lee turns 4 years old.

59 days

The number of days until Liberty's birthday - she would be turning 2.

250 days

The (estimated) number of days until our little miracle gets here.
(December 1st is the due date as of right now)

521 Miles

The distance seperating us from Dallas right now.

AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST...

4-6 weeks

The amount of time until we MOVE TO DALLAS!!

YES! That's right! We will be leaving for Texas soon! At first it wasn't quite the 'offer' we expected it to be. We were not even sure what to do right away but we sought after Gods peace and early this morning we found it. We were driving around at 3 o'clock (AM!!) - trying to soothe a very cranky and tired baby - yes, it was bad enough to do the last resort of a carseat ride around the neighborhood! Thankfully it did the trick and Cheyenne quickly drifted off to sleep. We continued on our little trip and talked about all of the possibilies set in front of us - so many choices, so little time. At first it seemed as though this new 'offer' wasn't going to work out - but the more we prayed and talked the more God began to work on us. Originally our plan was to go straight to DFW (dallas fort worth airport) - it was going to mean a huge pay increase but it would also mean that Brett would have a larger work load - something he felt good about, at the time. The offer we were given was to go to Dallas Love (a much smaller airport) - which basically means no huge pay raise --- yet. Brett has to work at Dallas Love (I hope I am getting the name of the airport correct) for 52 weeks, then he can transfer over to DFW, and at that time he will get the pay increase. At first we couldn't figure out exactly why God had opened this door (Dallas Love) instead of a door at DFW - but suddenly it became quite clear to Brett. He told me that he feels a great sense of relief knowing that he will have such an easy transition at the D. love airport. He will be working the same amount, possibly even less 'traffic' in the tower than he is working now. He won't have very many runways to learn or airspace to cover so he feels as calm as can be about the move to the new airport. Plus the airports are so close to one another we won't have to pack up and relocate when he changes positions! He will just go from one airport to the other after his 52 weeks are complete. This means we will have around a year to adjust to life in Texas before Brett has to start his year long, terribly intense, training at DFW. We have been looking at homes online for the past month. We have seen SO many homes we are interested in already. The housing market in Missouri is definitely different from the housing market in Texas! We are beyond thankful that we will be able to get a 4-5 bedroom home for less than our 3 bedroom home we sold 20 days ago! At first we weren't even looking at the 4 bedroom homes - but something in my heart kept nudging me to go in that direction! Now it's clear to see why...God knew that we needed the extra bedroom! Brett is submitting all of the paperwork at this very moment to accept the offer we have been given - so the ball with really get moving now. We have not been given an exact date for our move yet - but we know Brett will have to be at Dallas Love within 4-6 weeks! This means LOTS of planning on our part. We are planning on visiting Dallas asap to see if we can find our next home. PLEASE pray that we are able to get to Dallas quickly and that we find the house we want to call home for the next several years! Also, please life the girls and our parents up in prayer as we bombard them with all of this information (the move and the baby)! My mom is willing to watch the girls for a little bit so we can travel to Texas to find a house - so please pray for her to have patience and enjoy this last little bit of time with the girls. Please pray for the girls to find peace through all of the chaos right now! And please pray for my health and the health of our little blessing to be...I am lifting my hands in praise right now - I haven't experienced much morning sickness, which is so unusual given my last 3 pregnancies! Every time I sense it coming I stop and pray my way through it..so I am very thankful that things seem to be going okay!

Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers. Thanks to all of you who wrote on my last blog - your messages of encouragement and love meant so much to me and my husband. I pray that you are enjoying this very day that the Lord has made!!! :)

In His love,
Kelly

"Ring...Ring...Ring"

2009-03-25T09:57:00.000-07:00

God's calling

I better answer!

Do you ever feel like God is giving you some serious 'wake up calls'? Do you ever feel like he snaps his fingers at you and says something to the effect of "pay close attention..things are about to get c-r-a-z-y"...or perhaps its something more along the lines of "you are not truly listening to me - maybe this will do the trick"!

Well we have certainly undergone many moments like the ones I mentioned above. Just when things start to get 'boring'..just when things start to settle down and start fitting into place...BOOM...our own little world is rocked yet again!

We are currently residing at my parents house. Our home sold SO quickly...right out from under our feet. 20 days after we put it on the market we found our little family "homeless"! We are certainly thankful for the generosity of our parents allowing us to stay with them for the time being. We are STILL waiting for word on Brett's transfer to Dallas. The girls and I seem to be adjusting to our new living arrangements, though it hasn't been easy at times. Little Aspen tends to think that Grandma and Grandpa want to play with her 24/7. She is also learning how to play tricks on mommy and grandma. The other day Aspen had asked me if she could have spaghetti for dinner. Knowing that my mom had planned on having this for dinner I said "yes Aspen, that would be fine". About 10 minutes later I walked into the kitchen and saw my mom giving Aspen a bowl of ice cream. Mind you, it was like 10 minutes until dinner! I was so shocked at what I was seeing. Growing up this very same grandma who was currently giving my daughter ice cream before dinner, would have laughed at the thought of giving me ice cream before my meal! I asked what in the world was going on. Turns out Grandma had been asked numerous times about having ice cream for a snack..she eventually told Aspen to "go ask your mommy" - knowing that I would NEVER allow such a silly thing to occur. Sooo..our little stinker changed the story around and asked ME if she could have spaghetti for dinner (instead of ice cream)..knowing that my answer would be 'yes'. She quickly ran back to grandma and said "my mommy said YES!!". Grandma thought this was strange but chalked it up to...whatever, it's her daughter, not mine! Needless to say Aspen pulled a fast one on us and has since taught us to be on the upper hand of the communication side of things! :)

As you can see we have been trucking along..day by day, week by week. We have now entered our 3rd week of living with parents/grandparents. Every single day we are hopeful to hear the news of Brett's transfer - but no news yet! Adjustments are being made on both sides. Roles and boundaries are being tested here and there. And of course, when you are waiting for some dramatic news that will change the rest of your life - time seems to crawl by! I have found myself daydreaming about our next home in Texas. How many rooms will it have? What will it look like? How will I decorate it? Will we finally get to settle down and feel at 'home' again? I have thought about the trip we planned to take to Disney World. I have thought about spending the summer by the pool, going on walks with the girls, and taking a trip to Sea World on daddy's days off. My mind has been soaring with all the possibilities coming our way! I have been excitedly and sometimes impatiently awaiting this new start! For any of you who have ever had to move "back home" for any amount of time can relate to the ups and downs we are experiencing. Lots of adjusting! Lots of patience! Lots of understanding! Well...then something happened last night..

Ring..Ring...Ring

God called.

And I answered.

I am praying right now as I type this blog that nobody in my family has access to my blog. I am praying that the "phone call" I am about to share with all of you steers clear from my parents and my in-laws. If by some small chance, anyone who happens to know my family personally, reads this blog - PLEASE don't run to my parents and tell them about my 'conversation' with God. The time is NOT right and I want to keep this between me and my blogging beauties! :)

With that being said...God called in a BIG and MIGHTY way last night! God called through 2 pink lines. God called. And I answered. My eyes about popped out of my head, but certainly I understood EXACTLY what God was telling me. He was making me VERY well aware that HE is in control - NOT ME! He was making it VERY clear that my eyes need to be focused, and stay focused, on HIM - not my current surroundings. He was making it clear that everything is in HIS timing now our own.

I will be the first to admit that Brett and I were shocked - okay floored. We had NO idea that I might even be pregnant! In fact, I didn't even realise that I was 'late'. And no, my first response was not jumping for joy. I pray that those of you who are reading this right now take mercy on me. I know whole-hearted that babies are a blessing and that they certainly come from our wonderful and mighty Father. I have dealt with the inability to get pregnant - so I know the pain that comes month after month of not seeing those two pink lines. I also know the pain of holding a child in my arms while she is taking her very last breath. And I have experienced a baby who was born 8 weeks premature, who despite being tiny, was totally healthy. I am currently dealing with a 7 month old who has a congenital heart defect. The fact that shock and worry were present at the beginning of this "Call" doesn't mean that we are not thankful for this tiny blessing - because we are. I pray that this blog does not upset anyone, in any situation. If you truly know me - you know that I would never want to hurt or disappoint anyone. So please just bear with me and my wide range of emotions. I know that we cannot always understand Gods timing..and this is the PERFECT example - I mean, for crying out loud we are without a home and living somewhat uninvited at our parents house!! Not my idea of good timing..but again, it's not up to me!

The main reason I decided to blog about all of this was to ask for prayers. My head has been spinning ever since I got the "call". So many thoughts and questions have been zooming through my heart and my mind. I have to admit that I am scared. After all we have been through, and all we are currently going through, I am nervous. I wish that I was strong enough to get through this on my own - but I feel like I keep hitting road blocks that keep tripping me in my "walk". I can't do this on my own and I DO need/want your prayers/support/guidance! I do want encouragement and love.

We have chosen not to tell our family at this time. We believe that telling them this 'news' would send them over the edge. Things have already been touch and go with us and our family - especially in regards to sweet Liberty. Now here we are on their turf with yet another big surprise! They don't understand our "leap of faith". They don't understand that our belief God is leading us to Texas. They don't express the fact that God is the one who sold our home so quickly. And they don't always look at the positive side of life (in the form of babies) - we do not feel that we would be "welcomed" by this news right now - so for the time being we are going to try our best to keep it to ourselves. (and all of you bloggin ladies) Regardless of what our family might think/say/do..we know that we still need prayers and lots of them! Please pray for us as we begin yet another new journey. Please pray for me and the baby. I have had 3 terribly hard pregnancies in the past..dealt with preeclampsia all 3 times, months of bed rest, all day sickness, preterm birth, etc. Please join me in prayer for a HEALTHY, EASY PREGNANCY...FULL OF JOY AND EXCITEMENT! Please pray for Brett. He is taking the news well, considering. I know deep down he is jumping for joy as he would have 300 kids if it were possible. Pray for guidance as he leads our family with all the curve balls along the way. Pray for Aspen and Cheyenne as they go through all of these transitions. And please pray for our extended family. Please pray that this news falls on soft hearts. That we don't get bombarded with comments and questions that will only hurt us. We are a bit worried that this news will only make the move even harder on our mothers. We don't want them to feel that we are "taking their babies away" as they have occasionally expressed to us. Please just continue to lift my family up in prayers as we await for Gods next CALL!! :) Thank you so much.

In His Love,
Kelly

Trials..

2009-03-08T19:34:00.000-07:00

I finally have access to a computer again. It is not my computer so I don't have my regular 'stuff' to fiddle with, such as yahoo messenger, pictures, etc - but hey it's still a computer right?!?

We have had such a long hard weekend (to say the least) and the hits keep on coming..

Thursday morning my mom came down to pick up the girls for me. Thankfully I was able to get about 95% of the packing done by 3pm. It was certainly a challenge trying to pack the entire house by myself, but by the strength of God I was able to get it done. At 4pm, Brett and 7 of his co-workers showed up at the door to start packing the U-haul. Brett and I had already moved most of the big furniture downstairs, so the process actually went pretty quickly. By 6:15 we were finally ready to head to the storage facility. I rode with Brett in the U-haul while everyone else met us out there. We noticed right away that something was wrong with the truck. It wouldn't go over 35mph whether we were going up a hill or down a hill. Then when we were coming up to a VERY busy intersection we nearly went straight through a red light - the brakes basically stopped working! Talk about a scary moment. We made it to the storage unit about an hour after we left home, when it should have only taken us about 20 minutes to get there. All of Brett's co-workers were already there when we arrived and immediately everyone began talking about the smell of smoke. We quickly realized that it was the u-haul that was stinking up the whole place - a second later someone noticed flames shooting out from under the truck!!! Yes..you are reading this right - our u-haul was on FIRE! We searched the truck up and down for a fire extinguisher but never did find one. Thankfully there was someone still at the storage unit who had one. Brett was able to put the fire right out..but our truck was toast! We had to unload the entire truck in the dark..using the 'light' of some headlights along the way. Certainly not an easy task let me tell ya! Finally get everything unloaded around 9pm..we had Brett's dad drive us back to our house to get our cars - then we had to drive out to his dads house to spend the night. We had planned on getting everything moved out on Thursday night - but clearly that didn't happen since our u-haul was now a 'campfire'!! lol So early Friday morning we had to drive back out to the u-haul place and get a new truck..guess what!?! They only had one truck available and it was a TINY truck. It ended up taking us 2 trips to get the rest of our stuff in storage. While all of this is happening we keep getting calls from our realtor, telling us to make sure we are out of our home by 5pm so the other family can begin moving in! So we were rushing around like crazy trying trying to get everything done. We had to purchase another storage unit because we have so much furniture and really couldn't squeeze anything else into the first unit! So that set us back quite a bit - plus we got a call from one of the guys who was helping us on Thursday night saying that he lost his wallet out at the storage unit. We looked and looked but couldn't find it - come to find out he had found it right before we got there. His wallet was basically scattered all over the road - but nothing was missing from it and he found another $3 he didn't even know he had! lol We were able to get out of the house by 4:45 on Friday night. The other family was down the street with their u-haul waiting for us to leave so they could move in. We had like 10 bags of left over boxes and trash that we needed to get rid of so I got a crazy idea to simply ask this new family if we could possibly leave it in 'their' garage for trash day on Monday. We were so nervous about even talking to these people. Between the things we heard from our realtor and even their realtor we didn't feel like we would be received all that well - but I had this nagging feeling that I should just give it a try and see what they would say. So we pulled down the street, I waved at the guy and then flat out asked if they would mind if we left a few bags in the garage. They literally welcomed us with open arms and actually helped us take some of the bags of trash back into the garage! We were so shocked by their generosity and their willingness to talk with us. Our realtor and their realtor had painted such a different picture of this couple to us - we were completely blown away by them at this point. We ended up standing in the driveway talking to them for over an hour! Through our conversation we learned so many hard truths about the whole selling and buying process...Our realtor told us that this lady wanted me to GIVE her my dining room furniture, washer and dryer, the fridge and all of the curtains (for free) - come to find out they had asked if they could PAY us for these things!!!! In turn, They were told by their realtor that we said that we would NOT sell them anything, for any amount of money!!! WHAT?!?! I would have welcomed the chance to sell them some of these things - it would have made our move over to the storage unit and then to Dallas much easier!!! We could have used the money they were going to give us to purchase some different things when we moved, so I would have been open to this whole idea. There were SO many lies that were being told to us and to this other family - This is just a little tid-bit of what we found out from these people and what they found out from us...Through our conversation we realized that both of the Realtors really did a job on us - The realtors work in the same office together and have been great friends for over 30 years, so needless to say they are not... 'strangers to this game'. Brett had a long talk with our realtor last night and I am sad to say that it appears as though our 'friendship' with her is no longer there. We were so sad to hear about all the ways they mistreated us and the other couple and how they walked away with what they did, really hurting all of us in the end. We know that the damage has been done and that we cannot replace what was lost, but we also know that we have a good and mighty God who is just and who has the ability to see things that we try to keep hidden - He knows exactly what happened through this whole ordeal and we are putting our trust in Him, doing our best to let go of what went wrong, looking to Him for an even brighter future. We are currently living with my in-laws. We are blessed that they are allowing us to stay here until we get transferred to Texas. We continually pray that we can bless them while we are staying here. For anyone who has ever had to move "back home", you know just how trying this time can be for everyone involved, right down to the little ones. Please keep us in your prayers as we go through this transition. We have only been here 4 nights and it is already quite challenging for all of us. My parents have also opened up their door to us as well, so we might go from house to house to give each set of parents a break from time to time. We continue to pray for God to lead us in the right direction, to soften our hearts and to be a blessing to others...and of course in the midst of these prayers we are facing many trials, one right after another it seems. We just found out tonight that Brett's work schedule is changing yet again. Right now he has Friday and Saturday off each week. Now he is going to have Tuesday and Wednesday off each week. This means we will have to reschedule tons of appointments, plus its always a hard transition when they flip the switch on us like this. He will be working from 3-11 on Thursday nights, 1-9 on Friday nights, 7:30-3:30 on Saturday mornings, 7-3 on Sunday mornings, then any random shift on Mondays!?! So this will be a difficult time for us to adjust - especially while living with the in-laws.

I am very thankful that our home sold so quickly - 20 days start to finish. I know that when we chose to live our life for Christ we are going to face tons of trials and many times filled with opposition..sometimes I just feel like I am at my breaking point, like I am getting pulled in every direction, like I am going to snap in half - this is certainly one of those times. I feel pressure coming at me from every which way and I am having trouble quieting my mind enough to hear from God. Sometimes it seems so easy to hear all the other voices surrounding me and filling my head with worry and doubt. Please tell me that you girls experience times like this too!?!? I hope that I am not the only one who feels like this!?! How have you gotten through such times? Would you mind praying with me about this? Would you mind helping me work through these little fazes of worry? Brett and I both feel like God is 'calling' us to Dallas - which makes no sense to us whatsoever right now. We don't have any family in Texas. We don't even know a single soul living there right now. I have to admit that I am stressing about his work schedule..thinking "okay, if his schedule THIS bad here in KC, then how bad will it be in Texas, at an airport that is twice as busy"..etc. I certainly KNOW that these thoughts are wrong - I know that if we feel like God is calling us to move to Texas then by all means we need to go. I understand that I shouldn't be worrying about these things - but I also know that when we are weak we should reach out to other believers who might be able to help lift us back up to where God wants us to be..so that is what I am doing tonight! Please keep our family in mind as we continue down this path. Please continue to pray for us and with us as God leads us on this new journey. Also, if you have any good ways of calming your heart and your mind please let me know. I better get to bed now. I have had a MAJOR lack of sleep lately - living on about 3 hours a night the past week or so. Brett is finally on his way home from work now - Praise the Lord! This = bed time for me! :)

I pray that you all are doing well - please feel free to send me any scripture that has helped you work through trying times or any other little tips that might make this next 'mountain' a little bit easier to bear! Thank you SO much! God bless each and everyone of you..

In His Love,
Kelly

Exhausted

2009-03-05T01:04:00.000-08:00

Oh my goodness,

Here it is 3:05 AM - Brett and I just finished up our eventful night and in about 5 minutes we will FINALLY be headed off to bed. Unfortunately we have to turn around and be up and at em' by 6! Brett has to work and I have lots left to do around the house before we start moving our things in the afternoon. UGH!

The "good" news is; we got about 85% of our furniture moved downstairs into our basement.
The "bad" news is; my back is THROBBING! I could probably qualify for a cane with this new "walk" I have acquired! lol

The "good" news is; we have about 60% of our packing done now.
The "bad" news is; I still have 40% left to do tomorrow morning.

The "good" news is; my mom is coming to pick up the girls in the morning for a little slumber party at her house.
The "bad" news is;....nope, can't think of any "bad news" on this one! I am flat out exhausted and I am REALLY looking forward to having the help with the kiddos while I finish packing.

The "good" news is; we have one person lined up to help us move tomorrow afternoon.
The "bad" news is; we probably need AT LEAST one more person to move all of our heavy furniture on the truck and into the storage unit. So please be praying that we find another person before 3pm...

The "good" news is; we are coming to an end to this particular chapter in our lives.
The "bad" news is; nope, no bad news here either! I have TOTAL peace about where God is leading us! I just know, that I know, that I know He is guiding us down this new journey..and that on this journey we will be doing some mighty works in His name!! Amen! Amen! I am SUPER excited to 'land' in Texas and start doing what He is asking of us!!

Well my mind is completely GONE now so I will wrap this up! The "good" news is; Brett is done with his shower now and we are FINALLY off to bed! Yippie! Can't wait to rest my head on my little pillow..praying that we both wake up feeling energized and refreshed - knowing that this is a HUGE step towards an exciting future with Christ!! :o) Praying that all my friends here in blogland are resting peacefully tonight!! God bless you all..

Kelly

4:30 PM

2009-03-03T12:37:00.000-08:00

The day has FINALLY come! I am excited to say this evening at 4:30pm Brett and I will be signing the closing paperwork for our house! The buyers do not sign their paperwork until tomorrow morning - but this is certainly a GIANT step in the right direction!

Things have certainly been hectic (to say the least). And I will be the first to admit that I haven't done the best job 'handling everything with dignity and class'. There have been moments of weakness, tears, stress and anxiety. Thankfully I have met a dear friend through my blog named Darla who has certainly helped me to keep my mind and my heart in check! Today she told me to take a "time out" - and that is exactly what I need to hear/do! Her friendship has been such a wonderful blessing and I am so grateful that we have 'met', even though we found one another through the grief of losing our precious little ones. Please join me in lifting Darla and her husband Joe up in prayer - they feel God is calling them to try again for another sweet little blessing. So please join me in praying for peace of mind as they begin this new journey and please pray for Darla's health as well as the health of this special blessing-2-be! This wonderful family certainly needs our love and support right now! Darla is working on a blog for her family, once she gets it set up I will send out her address so we can begin showering her with prayers! :o)

While we are on the topic of prayers! I have yet a few more prayer requests that I would love to share with all of you...

Please pray:

*That our closing goes great tonight and that the buyers closing goes great tomorrow.
*That Brett feels Gods peace about the decisions he has to make in the near future. Someone from his office recommended that he fly to Dallas to meet with the management team at the DFW airport. He recently submitted applications and a hardship to this office and we are praying for a job at this particular airport in the VERY near future. So please pray that he finds peace about when/how/etc he can get to Dallas, if God does want him to fly there!?!?
*On Thursday my mom is going to take our two girls to give me the entire day to pack up the house. Please pray for my moms sanity. Cheyenne isn't very comfortable around anyone other than us and has a tendency to SCREAM non-stop! So please pray for my mom and dad as the girls spend the night there. Also, please pray for the girls..Cheyenne is teething right now so is quite fussy, not sleeping well, etc. Aspen has been sad about leaving this house - she doesn't quite understand the purpose behind the move yet.
*On Friday we will be moving all of our things into storage and then staying with my in-laws until we receive a job offer in Dallas. This will be quite an adjustment for EVERYONE involved - so please pray for patience, peace and love as we make this move.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR CONTINUED THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS! We appreciate ALL of you!

Also..join me in singing praises to God! His mighty works all written all over this process as well as some unspoken areas in all of our lives! Our Father deserves ALL of the credit and it will be His name that I praise!! God bless you all - and PLEASE feel free to email me with ANY prayer requests that you might have at this time! I love to pray, especially for others in need - and aren't we all in need of Christ????

Much love and many blessings..
Kelly

A Wonderful Snow-Filled Goodbye!

2009-03-01T13:24:00.000-08:00

In less than a week we are moving out of our house. My mind feels like it is spinning because of how fast everything has gone. There have been moments of tremendous joy and even moments of tears...Happiness and excitement as we think about the future God has prepared for us - mixed with moments of tears and sorrow as we think about this chapter of our life coming to an end.

Two years ago on March 4th we purchased this house. I was pregnant with our second daughter and felt as though life couldn't get any sweeter than this. We could not wait to see our precious baby and watch the dreams we had for her unfold before our very eyes. We couldn't wait to see how Aspen would interact with this one so small! In March 2007 we didn't know what was waiting for us just around the corner. We didn't know that Liberty was unhealthy. We didn't know that we would only spend 5 months and 3 days getting to know this little miracle before she went to be with our Lord and Saviour in Heaven. We didn't know we would have to say goodbye to the hopes and dreams we had for her and our family. Now fast-forward two years and we are about to close the book to this chapter of our lives. We purchased this house on March 4th, 2007 and in a few days..on March 4th, 2009 this house will become someone else's. Exactly two years from the date we bought it, we will be selling it! Sometimes it is hard to see where we have gone over the past two years. It's difficult to sit and reflect on the fact that we have lost our child. It still doesn't feel 'natural' to go out to the cemetery and see her picture and her name across that headstone. Tears still fill my eyes several times a week simply because I am a mother who is loving her baby from a "distance", with time separating us more and more each day. As we remember the trials we come to realize just how far we have come - let me rephrase that - just how far God has carried us. Simply put, we could NOT have made it this far without HIM! It has been a difficult two years, no doubt about it - but I am thankful for the memories we get to carry away from this place. I will forever have memories of the day we brought Liberty home from the hospital - not knowing how long her body would last, but always finding rest in the peace of knowing that we will be with her again - that even though our bodies will fail us, God never will. I will always have memories of Aspen getting her slippery pink princess slippers on so she can "ice skate" on the kitchen floor each night. I will always have memories of the night we got to bring our little rainbow, Cheyenne Hope, home. Watching the bond between her and Aspen grow more and more with each passing day. Yes, this house has been filled with hard memories - but I am thankful for each memory made because each memory has drawn me closer to my Heavenly Father.

Yesterday it was snowing like crazy. By all means we "should" have been packing but instead we spent the day playing in the snow! We wanted the last few memories we would carry away from this home to be WONDERFUL/HAPPY/FUN/BLISSFUL ones and boy oh boy were they ever!! Here are some pictures from our afternoon....We got nearly 7inches yesterday and had so much fun playing in it!!

Aspen looked like a little doll in a snow globe!!

Aspen stuck in a snow drift!!

Yes! Even mommy's can have fun in the snow!!

Could somebody give me a hand?? This mommy is STUCK!

Aspen on her "snow slide"

They melt my heart!

The "aftermath" - Who is ready for hot chocolate??

Here are some more pictures from this weekend...

The girls playing at "The Grove"

Cheyenne playing with the fish!

So much fun going down slides together!

In the honey pot together!

And last but not least - a picture "of" Liberty. We decorated Liberty's headstone for Easter early since it might have to be taken out of the cemetery before Easter rolls around...

Praise Him

2009-02-22T19:04:00.000-08:00

I saw this picture and it made me think of my trip to the cemetery today...

Brett was at work when the girls and I got unexpectedly "kicked out" of the house by a realtor and her clients. I was in such a rush, waking them up from their naps and stuff that I left the house without the diaper bag..which meant no wallet, no drivers license..nothing! With that being said I knew I shouldn't go too far from home so the three of us went out to the cemetery. It was quite cold and windy here today so I had the girls stay in the car. I rolled down the windows and together we listened to some wonderful praise and worship music while *visiting* Liberty. Tears streamed down my face as I saw Libby's sweet picture on her monument - but for the first time I found myself (right there in the cemetery) on my knees with my hands held high in the air, singing praises to my Heavenly Father above. I felt myself saying "Okay God. I surrender. I can't make it through the bad times without You. And I can't make it through the good times without You either. Lord come to me. I want you in every single part of my life." - Then sweet praises and words of worship slipped through my lips in a way that I have never known before. Tears continued to fall from my eyes, but it was like I was crying "happy, joyful" tears - not tears of sorrow. I had just reached a new level of faith and felt God so close. Closeness I have never known before today. It felt so safe and amazing. Then I crawled into the back seat of my car and showered my two other little blessings with sweet smooches. Praising God for them and their sweet sister in Heaven - knowing that one day we will be with her again.

After this the girls and I came back home. The Realtor was still at our house so we just drove around the neighborhood for a while longer. Here is where the story gets even more exciting! As most of you already know on the 12th we had a couple come out and look at our house - before it was even officially *on* the market. Well after their first visit of our house they decided to go ahead and put an offer in. So yes, we had an offer on our house before it had even been on the market for a week! God is JUST THAT GOOD!! Well we went round and round with offers and counter offers - through our eyes it looked as though we would never be able to come to a compromise, but we just continued to pray about it. Honestly it felt so good to pray for this other family trying to buy our house. It felt good to cover not only ourselves in prayer, but them as well. I didn't see a way through my *worldly eyes* for this particular couple to turn around and buy our house - They had already made it loud and clear that they didn't want to buy our house because non of us could agree upon any one offer. And honestly after a little while I felt at total peace with everything - whether they were meant to buy our home or not, they still certainly deserved prayer as they looked for a new home! So we just continued to pray. We prayed for our house to get sold this week. We prayed for God to bless this whole situation..as we wait to sell our house and as another couple decides to buy our house - we knew that we needed God to be in control of it all! We let go of the stress, the worry, all of the unknowns and gave God His rightful place over our home! Knowing that we can't do it without Him - and boy oh boy does it feel so good when we "Let go and let God"!

Instead of stressing we have enjoyed our last little bit of time together in this home - thinking about the good things and the bad, remembering every bitter sweet memory that has been made over the past two years - praising God for every single memory!

Well guess what...It's been 10 days since we signed the papers to put our house on the market and tonight we came to an agreement - with that very first couple who came to our house 10 days ago!!!! We are closing on March 4th - we are happy and the other couple is happy - Praise God! It will be all said and done, from start to finish in 20 days..even in this economy! It just goes to show that "this economy" is NOT "Gods economy" and "It's not over until God says it's over"!!!

There has been a TOTAL transformation going on inside this house since our last big marital *blowout* at the end of January! We are not stressing, we are not fighting (bickering, arguing, disagreeing..or whatever you choose to call it), we are not trying to make it through this life alone, merely surviving --- nope from the moment we wake up God is the first one spoken to. We give Him thanks and praises. We pray in Jesus' precious name all day long. We are teaching our daughters of His great love for them. Aspen is beginning to realize that we can take our problems, fears, frustrations to God and He will help us work through such feelings. She is also starting to realize that when she messes up she needs to ask for forgiveness and that God does forgive her and that He still loves her so very much. We feel as though God has been pressing on our hearts to remind her that we still love her when she misbehaves and such - so we are growing in that area as well. And as for Cheyenne..well she just radiates Gods love every time she smiles. And of course when I think of sweet Liberty I remind myself that she truly is the lucky one - she is in perfect peace..getting tucked in each night by Jesus himself! Imagine the bedtime stories and lullabies she is hearing! Wow!!

Anyway! I just wanted to give a big "shout out" to God tonight! He has done some amazing works under this roof lately and I couldn't wait to share with all of you!!

PS..my husband and I have decided to do our own little home "Bible study" together each night. We started reading a book titled Life's Challenges Your Opportunities" by John Hagee!!! All I have to say is WOW WOW WOW!!!! It is SO amazing and has spoken such rich truths to our hearts already, in just the first chapter! I would recommend it to ANYONE under the sun because we all face challenges throughout our life - this teaches us Gods principles for dealing with these challenges! Absolutely amazing - such a blessing for both my husband and myself!!! Definitely check into it! Check it out from the library, buy it..whatever you have to do to get your hands on it! I wish I would have read it before Libby was born but I am thankful that I have my hands on it now!

Okay I am finally off to bed..my prince has made it home from work! Praise God! I pray that this finds you all resting in His sweet arms tonight. Please keep in touch and please keep praying and praising!!

In His Love,
Kelly

Video of Aspen (scripture)

2009-02-18T10:56:00.001-08:00

Aspen saying her very first scripture verse!
"God is love" 1John4:16

okay, so I couldn't get the video flipped around - but it's still a precious little moment!! This week she is working on learning her second verse; "you are the light of the world" from Matthew - she almost has it down and she loves doing the art work along with the scripture! I plan on making a "book" out of each page we design.

I found this other little picture of the girls on my cell phone and thought I would share it as well. I desperately need to download the pictures from my actual camera onto the computer at some point in time! But you all know how that goes! lol

Please continue to pray with us about our home. We have heard some positive things about the family who came to look at our house last week. They are still trying to figure everything out but really plan on putting an offer in on the house! Our realtor told us last night that this family will need it to be a "short sale" - which is right up our alley, because we need it to be as well! She said they were asking if we could be out with two weeks notice!! I could be out in 4 days notice - that's just how excited I am to move to Texas! My husband and I feel Gods blessings all around us and know that He has all of this in His Hands and He will make it all come to pass! Excitement, elation, joy, hope...we are feeling it ALL!! God is good.. all the time. All the time..God is good!

God bless you all - please keep in touch!!

In His love,
Kelly and Family

40 Day Fast From Wrong Thinking

2009-02-15T19:06:00.000-08:00

Ever since I was a tiny-tot I can remember worrying...My mind was always racing - thinking about all the 'what if's" still yet to unfold. Things seem to have gotten worse over the years, but especially recently with everything that happened with Liberty and my marriage. Then on Thursday I heard a wonderful sermon that completely changed my way of thinking.
I have heard so many pastors in the past speak about 'positive thinking' - but for whatever reason my fears continued to rule my mind. Thankfully on Thursday God spoke to my heart with a different direction. Instead of forcing myself to think 'positively' - I chose to take part in a 40 Day Fast From Wrong Thinking. It seems so much easier for me to fast from wrong thinking than to force myself into 'correct' thinking. This time around I was taking hold of my thinking to get right with God, not to simply add to my material possessions or happiness. So many pastors teach us to think positively so that we might have the desires of our heart - which is fine if your heart desires to grow closer to our Lord and Savior - however often times they base their thinking on material possessions alone.

Anyway! Thursday morning was Day 1 of our "Fast from wrong thinking"! Wow! I could notice a huge change the moment I prayed for God to guide me through this fast. Immediately God replaced my fear/worry/anxiety with His gentle peace. My heart felt so light and carefree. I spent the ENTIRE day just enjoying my children..anyone who knows me knows that this isn't always easy for me. I tend to get caught up in cleaning/cooking/diapers/etc - but Thursday was a day full of joy for me and my girlies. I spent about 2 hours painting with Aspen. We made Valentine cards for God! In fact, she learned her very first Bible verse on Thursday - "God is love" 1 John 4:16 - oh what a joyous moment for a mommy's heart! I am still trying to figure out how to download the video from my phone to my blog (any suggestions are VERY welcome as I would LOVE to show it off to all of you). After that we made a giant heart shaped cookie to suprise daddy with! I even said 'forget naps today..lets just have more fun together' - Aspen certainly LOVED this idea! So..I called up my friend who lives down the street from us and asked if her and her daughters wanted to go on a walk with us. So I walked Aspen and Cheyenne down to Mindy's house then we started up the street together for our walk. Mindy and I were talking about my house and how we had finally met with the realtor the night before. She asked if the house was on the market yet and when the sign was going up in the yard...I explained to her that we signed all the paperwork and that the sign should be placed in the yard by Friday. Then as I was askikg her to keep us in her prayers as we wait for the house to sell we noticed a car driving back and forth through our neighborhood. We live in a newly built neighborhood - basically everyone knows everyone else, or atleast the type of car you drive..so it's easy to spot when there is a "new" car in the neighborhood. We kind of laughed and said "it must be a realtor". Well sure enough we were right! They kept driving up and down the street...and I said "too bad we don't have a sign in our yard yet"! We laughed and Mindy said "you should go tell them your house is for sale too" -- I just laughed at the thought of me chasing after this poor realtor as she drives around lost in our neighborhood!! We just kept walking and giggling Well a minute or two later we noticed the car had stopped..then we heard "are either of you named Kelly?" -- I laughed and replied "I am"..then the realtor went on to say "I know your house isn't technically on the market yet and you don't even have a sign in your yard, but is there any way you would be willing to let my clients see your home? I have your realtor on my cell phone right now - she told me about your house" -- I said "sure if you don't mind baby things and art supplies scattered around the dining room" ---

(yup, I should have trusted that small voice in my head that said 'clean up the house before you go on your walk' - I justified my 'no' with the fact that our house wasn't really on the market yet!!!)

Sooo...if you can picture this..Mindy and I went running back towards my house - pushing two strollers with two 3 year olds running in between us! Im sure it was quite a sight. I knew I had to get back there before they did so I could spruce things up a bit - so I ran inside and did just that! Mindy stood outside with all 4 little girls, and 'talked up' our neighborhood to the young couple and realtor!! Once I was out of breath and beat tired I came back outside and gave them the go ahead to look at at the house. They were there for quite some time - we had walked all the way around the neighborhood and they were still there so Mindy invited us to come to her house until they were done. What a blessing her friendship is! :o) The next day we got a call from our realtor saying that this couple really loves our house and will be speaking with lenders over the next few days to figure out if they can buy it or not. Then she told us that we should know something as soon as Monday!!! Talk about a 'GOD THING' - wow - I am still amazed that the house has already been shown and that this couple really likes it! What a great start to the first day of our 40 Day Fast From Wrong Thinking! The past few days have continued to be just as amazing to us. I absolutely Love this new way of thinking. I woke up at 4 in the morning with Cheyenne the other day - she was all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed :o) so I decided it would be a perfect chance to spend some 'alone' time with God..I spent the next two hours reading over His word, talking to Cheye about it as I went along. She was so joyful and peaceful. I am really learning a lot about His word as he replaces every little negative thought with His truth! We have even seen a change in Aspen and her attitude toward everything in her life, but especially towards God - she has been praying throughout the day and appologizing for crying/whining/etc - today she told us and God that she was sorry for playing her Nintendo DS without asking... after mommy put her to bed for her nap! She never would have admitted this in the past..so this was a big deal to us! I can literally see the ways in which God is working on all of our hearts - and I LOVE what I see!

The point to this LONG story is that we are really trying to stick to this fast because God deserves the best of us, every single part of us! I want to praise God for his wonderful ways and His mighty works! He never ceases to amaze me! I also want to ask for prayer...

Please join us in prayer over our home. We are praying for God to get our home sold for the amount it is listed for, $164,900 (we can't afford to drop the price any because we have only owned it for 2 years in March...plus with the cost of realtor fee's and everything else they tie up in it, and the cost of moving to Texas and renting or buying a new home..ect!!) We are also asking that you would pray for us as we try to be obedient on Gods call for us to move to Texas -- I feel as though we have fought this 'call' for quite some time - but recently we finally gave Him our full obedience! Please pray for me as I replace the negative thoughts with positive ones - sometimes it can overwhelm me to move from our family and friends..to start over in a new state/town/job etc! But we both feel excited about this new direction God is taking us in! He has really given us peace and a feeling of pure elation about the things He has in store for us in our future. Please pray as we talk to people about getting Liberty's headstone moved. Libby isn't actually buried at the cemetery - we wanted to get a headstone to honor her and remember her..now we will have to find a way to have it moved to Texas..which means finding a new cemetery, etc...more tugs at our heart!

Thank you for the continued prayers for our little family. I have so much faith in our God! He has already done so much for us..even when we failed to be completely obedient to Him...oh how great is His grace for all of us! My heart is so full of joy - knowing that we are really getting on the right track..it feels as though we are finanlly placing Him first, letting Him direct our ways A little bit less of me..and a whole lot more of Jesus!

Hopefully this blog is making some sense...My eyes are SO fuzzy and my mind is so sleepy! I just couldn't wait another day to share this exciting news with all of you! Isn't that just like our God to go above and beyond our expectations!!! I pray this finds all of you doing well..resting your heart in His peace! Have a blessed night and please keep in touch..

In His love,
Kelly

Setting up boundaries

2009-02-04T17:40:00.000-08:00

23 Search me, O God, and know my heart;
test me and know my anxious thoughts.

24 See if there is any offensive way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting. Psalm 139:23-24

Many of you have been praying for my family. My husband and I are going through a very rough season in our marriage. Trust has been broken and things were spinning out of control - I really had no idea how things were going to turn out, and often wondered if our marriage would survive such devastating news. Thankfully our God is bigger than our problems. And thankfully I have made some wonderful friends here on blogland who have talked me down from the edge of this "cliff"!

I have witnessed Gods hands doing mighty works underneath this roof the past few days. Trust has been an issue in our marriage from the very beginning - just when I would let my guard down and start to trust again, things would be turned upside down. But things seem to be different this time...this time my husband and I are surrendering ourselves to God. This time God has a place inside our home and our hearts. This time we are both seeking Gods counsel to heal the brokenness, the sins of the past, and bring healing and forgiveness to the surface. We are praying and God is answering! I give all the glory to Him for the progress that has been made so far.

Through Gods word we are learning how to safeguard our hearts and our marriage. Boundaries had been set up in our marriage before now, but they seemed to be one sided. This time around it doesn't seem like I am 'babysitting' my marriage - instead we are both putting up barriers to protect our marriage and our selves.

I am writing about all of this to ask for prayer as we begin this new way of life. Prayers for healing and forgiving. Prayers for protection of our minds and hearts. Prayers for clarity and peace.

Have you ever thought about "fireproofing" your marriage? Or even the relationship between you and your children? Have you thought of ways to safeguard your spouse from the temptations of this world? I would LOVE to hear about the 'hedges' or 'gates' you have placed around your home to keep it as safe and comfy as possible. Here are some ideas we came up with last night; (yes, some of these may seem extreme to you, but when you are dealing with addictions of any kind, you have to turn to extreme measures to add protection to your home)

1. No cable/satellite tv in our home (way too much temptation, wastes too much time, waste of money, inappropriate situations, language, etc)
2. No home phone
3. No Internet on our cell phones (you wouldn't believe how dangerous this can be for a husband or even our precious children)
4. Password to access the computer (only mommy knows the password)
5. New software to keep the computer free from inappropriate content (allows us to see each website that has been visited, notifies us if a 'bad' word is even typed into a search engine or email, etc -- this will be great when the children are old enough to use the Internet)
6. Computer will be in living room - or other open area where everyone can see what is going on
7. Joining church groups - Men's Bible Study and Women's Bible study (great way to start the healing process)
8. Accountability partners from the church to help us on our walk
9. No phone calls to and from work, or while at work, other than calls made to each other (this is a great way to keep yourself from saying negative things about your spouse behind their back - great way to build each other up instead of break each other down)
10. My Favorite!! Pray together and for each other all day long! We have made a commitment to seek Gods truths and keep them close to our heart and in our mind all day long - to love each other through Jesus' eyes, not our own eyes..This love will be pure, not conditional and will always give the glory to God!!
11. I think it would also be wonderful to 'blog' WITH my husband - so I am going to talk to him about this and see what he says! I think it would be a fun way to spend an evening together, just enjoying each other and sharing HIS truths with others! I can't wait to see how Brett feels about this - I think he will be excited to be included in this part of my life from here on out!! :o)

Well I am going to thank all of you in advance for praying with us along this journey as we allow God to restore our marriage. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! You all are a blessing!

God bless you all..
Kelly

15 Months ago today...

2009-01-27T08:37:00.000-08:00

To you, O Lord, I called; to the Lord I cried for mercy;
What gain is there in my destruction, in my going down into the pit? Will the dust praise you? Will it proclaim your faithfulness? Hear, O Lord, and be merciful to me; O Lord, be my help.

YOU TURNED MY WAILING INTO DANCING; YOU REMOVED MY SACKCLOTH AND CLOTHED ME WITH JOY, THAT MY HEART MAY SING TO YOU AND NOT BE SILENT. O LORD MY GOD, I WILL GIVE YOU THANKS FOREVER...psalm 30:8-12

Fifteen months ago today I was holding sweet Liberty in my arms. Her life here on earth was coming to an end. The breath within her lungs was faint, she was weak and rested perfectly still within my arms. I studied every single inch of her, hoping to remember every little thing about her..knowing that all too soon she would be gone. Her body would be here, but her spirit would be with Christ himself. I still remember that day like it was yesterday. I remember the fear inside my heart, not knowing what she would experience as she left her earthly body and traveled to the Heavens above to our Lord and Savior. At that moment I didn't pay much attention to myself or the rest of my family. All I could think about was Liberty and being strong for her. I had no idea the pain that would fill my heart the moment she left. The past 15 months have been a living nightmare. My joy was gone. My heart was completely broken and yet somehow it continued to beat. My life as I knew it was gone. The past fifteen months have been a whirlwind of conflicting emotions. My heart was aching so deeply one moment, then the next it was on auto pilot..just going through the motions. My hope was very faint, but yet somehow I could still sense its presence. Laughter had really become a thing of the past and it seems as though it only crept in by accident from time to time. Guilt hovered over my head 24/7 although I rarely spoke of it. Things were simply not 'right' in any sense of the word. I felt as though my life was over, that my heart had been shattered beyond repair. I thought I hit the 'pit' in my life - that things certainly could not go any lower than they already were...but I was wrong, Sunday marked a new low in my life. A new low on my joy level and a new high on my pain scale. My marriage had been tossed into the fire. I have never felt more alone then I did at that very moment. I was literally down to nothing. I had never experienced such sorrow in all my life until now.

Before this night I had grown accustomed to leaning on Brett. Through Liberty's death I had learned to turn to Brett with all of my pain and suffering. Yes, I did reach out to God - but not fully. Not with my whole heart. Most of my reliance was upon my husbands shoulders, this in turn meant that what was left over was then placed on Gods shoulders. And believe me when I say there wasn't much leftover. Only when Brett could not fulfill my needs or curb my pain would I then turn to God. What a shame and what a great misunderstanding on my part. No wonder I still felt so much pain. No wonder I felt so lost and misguided 99% of the time. No wonder I couldn't fully sense Gods unfailing love for me. Sunday night, in the middle of my despair I let go of it all. I let go of myself and my own understanding of what this life meant. I let go of Brett and the role I thought he was supposed to carry in my life. I let go of my children and what I thought was their purpose in my life. I let go of Liberty. I let go of her birth, her short life and most importantly her death. I let go of anything and everything that I thought I had control over. I let go of the "plans" I had for my life and for my family. Every single burden I have carried throughout my life, especially the things from the past 15 months, were taken from my hands and placed into Gods. I found myself sobbing on the floor. My knees were unable to hold my own weight. I was unable to think about the past or the future, unable to do anything but cry out for my Lord, my Savior. For the first time in my life I truly understood what it meant to say "Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart" Job 1:21 - I was down to nothing, absolutely nothing and that is exactly where I found God waiting for me. For the first time I realized that I came into existence because of God, and at that very moment of conception He was all that mattered, He was all that I needed because without Him I wouldn't be alive. It isn't until after we are born we realize that this world if full of distractions, full of road bumps and obstacles to overcome. I love my husband. I love my precious daughters. I love my family and my friends - but for the very first time I was able to put my God in His rightful place. He made it to the top of my "list". It was in my 'nakedness' (despair, heartache, brokenness) that I was finally able to let go over everything and everyone else and cry out to my Lord. And oh did I cry out to Him! The whole neighborhood probably heard my cries for Him!! I cried out and God answered. I sobbed for Him and He came to me. I let go of my flesh. I let go of my pain. I let go of my pity-party. I let go of every dream I thought would come true. I let go of every desire in my heart. I let go of everything because I let go of my own understanding. I let go of every single ounce of anger that I felt towards the betrayal and placed myself at the feet of Jesus. I can honestly admit that I have never really been "there" before. But wow! What an amazing place to be. To place my whole self at the feet of Jesus...in the midst of my brokenness and despair I found the most comforting place I could ever have imagined. God filled my heart so full of peace that I thought it might explode. God erased every single doubt and fear from my mind. God took me to the very moment I was in - He took away the past and made me forget about the future, all that mattered was where I was at right now. God literally lifted every single burden from my back and I felt weightless. For the very first time in 15 months I felt JOY! No, wait! I take that back - for the first time in my LIFE...I felt JOY! Those of you who have lost a child or someone very dear to your heart know the pain I am referring to. You know the loneliness, the brokenness, the emptiness. These seconds of loneliness turn to minutes, minutes turn to hours, hours turn to days, days turn to weeks, weeks turn to months...months turn to years. After Libby died I allowed satan to turn my seconds of sorrow into minutes, then hours, then days, then months. I honestly began to believe that this was the end. That I would never feel happiness again - that joy was something I would never get to experience. I allowed the enemy to control my emotions and oh boy did he have fun doing that. Finally as I sat there, curled up in the fetal position, at the bottom of the steps, near our front door...bawling my eyes out..down to nothing - I cried out to God. I will admit that through my screams I was begging Him to come take me away from this chaos, from this pain. I begged him to stop this broken heart from beating..yes I had gone that deep into this awful pit. Praise God - He didn't answer those prayers. But He was there. I felt His mighty arms wrap around me. He heard my cries and He answered. God places people and other blessings in our lives for a reason - but they are not really ours and they are not to ours to keep forever. God blessed me with 5 months and 3 days with my sweet Liberty, but all that time she was really Gods child - she was only on loan to me. He trusted me to care for her, to love her and to show her the way to His loving arms - but from the very beginning she really belonged to Him, not me. And in the same way I belong to God. Brett, Cheyenne and Aspen all belong to God - they are not mine and I cannot keep them forever. I have to trust Gods plan for my family and my friends. Same goes for the material possessions surrounding us. God has blessed us with a home, with work, with food..but these things are not ours to keep forever. The same could be said for our health - we are never promised perfect health and our body simply cannot last forever...BUT!!! We have a God who has a love for us that DOES last forever. We have a God in Heaven whose grace and mercy goes on and on..forever and ever! When everything is taken away from us. When everything we once depended upon is gone, when we are down to nothing our God is STILL THERE!
Monday morning I woke from about an hours worth of sleep. Before my feet even touched the floor I prayed and cried out to God. I began to thank Him for His grace and His mercy. I thanked Him for sending His son to the cross so that we will have everlasting life. I thanked Him for blessing me with my wonderful family and friends, and told him once again that they are His and not mine. I praised His name over and over again. That morning I prayed for God to shed light on my own sins so that I would not be quick to judge my precious husband against the sins he committed. I prayed for protection over my marriage. I rebuked satan from my home and my marriage, from my children, myself and my friends in Jesus' name! I asked for forgiveness and then forgave myself for all of my own past debts. I prayed God would work on my heart so that I can forgive Brett and not persecute him. I thanked God for everything He has placed in my life. I thanked Him for taking Liberty out of her suffering and asked Him to kiss her sweet head for me. I told Liberty that I loved her and that I missed her more than words can ever explain, but told her it was time for mommy to find joy again - the burden was immediately lifted. Every single burden had been lifted and I felt free..I felt joy before my feet ever hit our bedroom floor! My tears had stopped, my body felt healthy, my heart felt tender and peaceful. Worship songs flew through my mind and my lips. I sang out praises and worshiped my God!

To be honest I don't recall the exact day that I accepted Christ into my heart. I know that I was 21 years old, we were living in Altus, Oklahoma and we were newly weds..and though I meant those words the day that I was baptised, the true meaning of "living my life for Christ" didn't happen until Monday morning, January 26th - during this prayer! So if anyone ever asks for my "testimony" this will forever be the date that I share with them!!! And boy oh boy am I praising God for this date! It was one that was long awaited for (without even knowing it) and needed beyond measure!! God is good - all the time. All the time - God is good!

I wanted to thank all of you for reaching out to me after my last post. The phone calls, the emails, the prayers..everything. God heard and He answered. Thank you for loving me and simply accepting me, all of me. Each and everyone of you are a blessing to me!!!

...do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength. Nehemiah 8:10

A Broken Heart That's Still Beating...

2009-01-26T12:40:00.000-08:00

Please pray for us.

Things are "unpleasant" for my entire family right now.

The things I thought I knew...were a lie.

The things I hoped to happen...won't.

The things I prayed wouldn't happen...did.

The forgiveness I thought I had found...wasn't truly there after all.

Things are rocky here to say the least - prayers are needed, especially for my marriage. Satan has come to seek, devour and destroy...divorce is a word that he wants to make known.

My flesh wants to give into his temptations. My flesh is screaming for this all to come to an end. My flesh is tired, worn out and beaten. But my soul is thirsty. My soul is calling out and praising my most High God! My soul is stomping on that dreaded word..divorce..even though my flesh is saying that "he deserves it" - my soul says "no".

Please pray..pray for my soul and my spirit to soar like they have never done before. Pray for my husband - he is at the weakest point of his entire life. Pray for our marriage - it is truly going through the fire. Pray for our precious children. Let them feels Gods love surrounding them during this chaos. And join me as I praise and sing glory to God -- I know that He is still with me, even when everyone else has turned their back on me, even at my darkest hour when my flesh has given up, He is there!

WANTED: Prayers for Healing!

2009-01-24T09:46:00.000-08:00

To all of my 'sisters' in blog-land:

PRAYERS FOR HEALING ARE NEEDED HERE!!

Last week Aspen came down with a terrible cold. Coughing, stuffy nose, headache, fever, chills, etc. It seems as though she is finally coming to the end of her illness - Praise God! She spent an entire week on the couch, mainly in my arms, trying to get some much needed rest. Anyone who knows Aspen knows that this is just not typical for her. She is so spunky and energetic..never rests for a moment - but this illness left her fairly quiet and motionless for quite some time.

Then a few days ago I came down with the flu. Brett was gracious enough to take a few days off from work to stay home so he could tend to the girls - I simply could not function enough to take care of myself, let alone two beautiful little girls...so daddy stepped up and played "Mr. Mom" - I am feeling better now that the flu symptoms are gone, however I now have the same cold that Aspen had. Guess she spent a little too much time in my arms while she was sick...ugh. And of course Brett has since come down with similar symptoms...so needless to say the three of us are simply a mess right now!

To make the situation even more "interesting" poor Cheyenne decided to join us in this chaos! We took her to the doctor this morning and it turns out she has RSV. This poor child was up all night long, coughing then crying...crying then coughing. My heart breaks for her - I know she is suffering and yet I cannot alleviate her distress...it's a sheer reminder of how little control I had when Liberty was so very sick.

I have prayed and prayed through this season - hoping that we would make it through without the dreaded RSV, unfortunately it still hit. I have tried my best to stay on top of cleaning and 'de-germing' this house. I have been using Lysol wipes several times a day to wipe down every surface under the sun. I put all of Aspens toys into the bathtub with a mixture of bleach and water..and in doing this I have found other creative ways to entertain her this past week so that she doesn't re-infect her toys all over again. We are doing the 'new toothbrush following an illness' trick. I have tried rubbing vicks on tiny feet at night, covered with socks to keep the coughing to a minimum. I have ran Cheyenne's toys and pacifiers through the dishwasher each night. I have ran sheets, blankets, pillows and even Dog-Dog (Aspens favorite stuffed animal) through the washer and dryer. We have humidifiers running...and of course lots of old fashioned TLC!

But there is always a need for this one other thing...PRAYERS! This is where you girls come in! Please pray with us for a speedy recovery and some much needed rest. I have been up nearly all night for several nights in a row - tending to the girls, and of course myself. Oh I how I long for a solid nights sleep! Along with prayers, we would love to hear of any tips you might have that have helped you keep germs at bay and/or helped your little ones when they are sick!

Thank you so much for your love and support - and for the continued prayers for our family! I pray that this little blog finds you healthy, healthy, healthy!!!! :o)

An Angel in NJ

2009-01-15T10:56:00.001-08:00

I received a package in the mail today. When I read the "From" name on the package my heart smiled. It stated that the package had come all the way from NJ from a dear friend of mine. Darla and I met just a few months ago through this wonderful world of blog-land! I thank God daily for our friendship. Darla lost her precious baby boy in July 2008. Though we have never met before we have a special bond..two mothers brought together by the birth and death of our beloved children. Two mothers simply trying to surviving such terrible heartache. Two mothers reaching out for Gods mighty hands in hopes of learning to live with this new sense of "normal"...so that in the end we might bring glory to His name!

In this wonderful little package I found these beautiful red and pink hearts. Darla decorated them with Libety's name and initials so that I can place them next to her grave...oh how it melts my heart to KNOW that another mother is out there thinking of me, and my precious baby...praying for strength and courage, for hope and faith. She also sent along some little Valentine projects for Aspen to create for herself and her baby sister Cheyenne, a wonderful book of hope and a journal to record scriptures that we send back and forth to one another! This wonderful gift lifted my spirits in more ways than I can begin to describe. She made two cd's of wonderful, uplifting Christian music that will fill our home with praises to our Heavenly Father - her thoughtfulness has left me "speachless" - How on earth can I thank her? Words just can't describe my gratitude!!!

I want to ask all of you to join me in prayer for Darla, her husband Joe and their precious baby boy Nicholas. These two wonderful parents are going through a very difficult time - waiting for questions to be answered about what exactly happened to sweet Nicholas and waiting for answers regarding the possibility of future children. Please join me..let us lift them up in prayer together. Lets pray for their strength and peace of mind - a peace that can surely only come from God above. Let us pray for their questions to be answered..and prayers to be fulfilled for them to be blessed with more children in the future. We serve a mighty God. Let us sing praises to His holy name together!

Precious Darla...Thank you for your kindness. Thank you for putting your own pain and sorrow on hold to tend to our pain - you are a blessing from the Heavens above. Keeping you in our prayers..always! God bless you dear friend. God bless you!

Much love and many blessings,
Kelly and family

Will you please pray?

2009-01-14T14:50:00.001-08:00

Well it's been quite some time since my last blog. To be completely honest with you I haven't really felt like 'bloggin' - my heart has been aching too deeply to share anything "wise" with anyone else.

I come to you all tonight to ask for your prayers. My husband and I have come to a "fork in the road" - we have two paths to choose from and feel nervous about each one. I want to try and keep this post as short as possible, and I want to give as much detail as possible - but I want to do it in a way that others will be able to pray for us..in a way that we can all reach out to God and ask for His guidance in our situation.

To sum things up relatively quickly;

We can continue to fight the rush of memories and emotions in this very house...like we have done the past (nearly) 2 years. We can try to avoid the fact that our living room was once Liberty's hospital room..we can try to avoid the fact that Liberty never made it to her nursery, and that her nursery has since been turned into Aspens room..or the fact that Aspens old room became Cheyenne's room. We can try to avoid the memories of Jack (the gentle spirited man from the funeral home) coming to our door the night that Libby died...We can try to avoid the fact that I was kicking and screaming as he took my daughters life-less body away, or the tears that were streaming from his face as they drove away..or the fact that Brett literally had to pick me up off the street and carry me back inside because I simply couldn't muster up the strength to walk another step...we can try to avoid the fact that this house doesn't feel like home

OR

we can get away from it. We can walk away from the hopes and dreams we had put into this house when we bought it. We bought this house just two months before Liberty was born, just two months before our lives were turned upside down. Everything is a constant reminder. Every single day we drive past the church that held her funeral service. Every single day I am reminded of that last moment I held our precious girl. Every single day I am reminded that we cannot step foot into that church because I always burst into tears..picturing Liberty at the front, in her craddle. Every single day I see the cemeteries we considered for her monument. And even though we try to avoid seeing the hospital she was born in, or the children's hospital she spent most of her time..its still there - unfotunetly we spent nearly a week in that same hospital, on one of the same floors, with two of the same nurses.. after Cheyenne was born - and it hurt and continues to hurt with each reminder.

I am asking for all of you to pray for us tonight. Pray for peace of mind when we consider staying or going. Part of me already believes that we have made up our minds - but im still nervous about what the future holds. I know that these fears are NOT from God..and no matter how hard I try to fight off these fears I cannot do it alone - so I am asking for help.

We are planning on putting our house on the market. There is a lot of work to be done before we can take that leap of faith...I need to clean, we need to do some touch up painting from when we moved furniture in and out of the house, and all of the other stuff that comes along with putting your house on the market. I am trying not to let the economy and housing market scare me from trying to sell - but it is hard sometimes. When our house sells - this will not be the cure-all for our family. In fact, we will still have a long journey ahead of us. We will have to move into an apartment - not an easy thing to do after living in a comfy house for so long. It will be a big transition for all of us. At this time Brett will send out his resume to other airports. Currently he is working as an Air traffic controller - this is his passion...he loves his job and does it remarkably well. It's taken a toll on our family a time or two because the work hours are CrAzY to say the least. Holidays, weekends, 9-5 hours are non-existant in this world of air traffic control. I don't enjoy being home alone with the children at night, and have had an even hard time adjusting to this since Liberty died. Brett really wants to be transfered to a higher level facility - which means a big move, most likely from MO to TX. All of our family lives here in KS and MO - so it would be another big adjustment not having them within an hour of our home. If Brett gets acepted to the airport in Dallas he would automatically receive a huge pay increase - something that I am having a hard time 'accepting'. I grew up in a home that seemed to be consumed by money from time to time. My parents nearly divorced because of money and that has put a deep fear in my heart. Brett and I have struggled our entire marriage..getting by from paycheck to paycheck - so even a little change in our financial situation has been a big one in our eyes. And moving to Dallas would be a HUGE change. I want to accept all the blessings God has in store for us, mainly because I know that this would finally allow us to adopt - something that we have longed to do since the day we met one another. I don't want to turn down Gods blessings in our lives, but I don't want to feel like a "money-chaser" - if that makes any sense at all. Part of my heart soars at the thought of moving to TX - starting over, starting fresh...I feel like it would be a blessing to start to mend the pieces of my broken heart back together - putting a little bit of distance between me and these hard memories. I hope that nobody thinks we are tying to escape from Liberty or the memory of her - that is certainly not our desires, we simply want to start over. We want to allow God to start rebuilding our lives and our hearts - I want to be there 100% for my other daughters and its hard to do that in this house, city, state...because of the cloud that lingers over us.

All I am asking is for prayer as we ask God for his guidence in this matter. I don't want to make any mistakes or wrong moves. I don't want to go against Gods path for our lives..I want to have peace about our future. This life will never ever be perfect -that I know for sure..but I want to utilize all that God has given us to bring glory and honor to His name. So please pray for our family...Please pray for peace and understanding. Please pray for a clear sense of direction as to where God wants to lead us. Please pray for peace on my end about excepting Gods future blessings, and then turning around and being a blessing to others. Also, if any of you have any scriptures that you think might be helpful please send them our way!

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this and for taking the time to pray for us...It is my prayer that you are all doing well and you can feel Gods peace surrounding you on your journey!

Who has the influence?

2009-01-05T05:33:00.000-08:00

Last night was a LOOOOOOOOOOOONG night (to say the least). Brett and I have chosen not to watch much tv anymore, however last night I started watching the History channel and I will sadly admit that we became hooked. It was about December 21, 2012 and how many prophets believe this will be "the end". For some reason ever since I was a tiny child I could remember having the fear of the world coming to an end... I cannot even begin to explain why I have had these feelings/fears. I often wonder if these fears stem from the fact that I was never raised in a "christian home". In fact, I didn't even really know who God was until I met my husband nearly 5 years ago. To me the "end" was just terrifying. I thought that I would live a life full of fear and pain and then one day the world would "end" and that was that..it would all be over with. Well last night as we started watching the History channel tears welled up in my eyes. I could fully sense the fear coming back to me that I experienced as a young child. The feeling of of utter helplessness. The feeling of hopelessness. I couldn't help but think "what if these people are right? What if we only have 3 years left"? To make a long story short I was up literally all night long. The fear had taken over to the point that I couldn't even close my eyes..so I began praying. Yes, admitedly I was LATE in coming to His feet in prayer. And yes, admitedly I shouldn't have allowed myself to watch something that has terrified me my entire life. This just proves I am a sinner and have a LOT of changing yet to do! Well as I sat there in bed, staring at the wall I continually cried out to God to erase these fears from my mind. I asked for forgiveness and waited for Him to slow my thoughts so that I could drift off to sleep. Well sleep never fully came. However He did slow my thoughts and He did erase the fear and fill my heart with hope. Through His mercy I was able to let go of the negative fears and thoughts and ask for His guidance for my life. I felt as though I put myself on the ground in front of Him, face in the dirt, hands at His feet and gave myself unto Him. I asked for His forgiveness and asked for a change of heart. I wanted to get back to "square one" with God. I wanted to tell Him that I have been trying to do things on my own since Liberty died. I wanted to tell Him that I am not strong enough or wise enough to do this on my own, not even for another moment. I asked Him to forgive me for the past year, especially...for the days where I have allowed my pain and sorrow over losing Libby to take over every other aspect of my life. We were blessed with that time with Liberty and we are also blessed in the fact that He chose to heal her in Heaven. We can use our circumstances to bring glory and honor to His name and I don't believe I have fully been doing that. So I confessed my sins..every sin I could think of I confessed to Him last night. When the morning came I felt peace inside my heart. I felt as though He was telling me "Kelly, here is a new day. Yesterday is gone. Do not focus on tomorrow (or 2012 in my case). Put your mind and your heart on today". Then I felt Him speak to me about the fear I have been facing since I was a child. I remember thinking about our girls and the children we hope to adopt in the future..praying that they would never have these same fears. Praying that they know Gods love for them, no matter what the future holds. I felt God speaking to me about the "end". I felt as though He was telling me that the specific date doesn't hold much importance to me right now, all that really matters is that we have accepted Christ as our Lord and Savior. Once we have done that God will take care of the rest. This in turn really made me start thinking about the way I was raised. I didn't know of Gods love for me. I didn't know Christ was the Truth and the Life. My heart and my mind were filled up with fear and peace was very hard for me to find. It made me take a hard look at the way we are raising our children. Are we taking the time to train our children to know and honor God? Are Brett and I really doing our part in fullfilling Gods perpose in our lives as being a father and mother to these precious souls? I wasn't given this knowledge growing up and I have paid the price..am I taking the appropriate steps to change the direction in my life so that my children won't have to experience the same struggles that I have? Sadly I have to say no. I have been too caught up in my own pity and grief to really pay full attention to their spiritual needs..but like I was reminded in the breaking of the dawn...today is a new day. Today I must start over, start fresh, start with God. Today I need to start teaching my children of Gods love and mercy. Today I need to take the time to make them well aware of the fact that God is watching us..that we all have a choice to make..that this life is not simply for us to do as we please, instead we are here to please God. In the early morning hours I was reading some teachings from Pastor John Hagee. I am sure many of you have seen him on television. He is very 'straight to the point'..no feathers, no fluff type of teachings.
One of his teachings was called Parenting with a plan. I wanted to post Pastor Hagees' teaching so that I can get the point across clearly. Often times I believe that I am 'soft' in areas that I shouldn't be..so I will simply post his words here instead of my own!

Proverbs 22:6—
Train up a child in the way he should go,
And when he is old he will not depart from it.

Recently, Colorado elementary teachers and school officials were busy preparing for the arrival of an 8-year-old student who had left the school district previously as a boy and is now returning “as a girl”. The creation of “unisex” restrooms, counseling for invariably confused peers and drills for teachers to refrain from referring to the student as either “he” or “she,” are among the accommodations being made. One father voiced the obvious concern that “children in the elementary are going to wonder what is going on”…and that it is “a very difficult situation to explain to my daughter…”

The school, on the other hand, sees its role in the issue very clearly, as evidenced by its announcement by a district spokeswoman “to educate all kids no matter where they come from, what their background is, beliefs, values, it doesn’t matter.”

So, who is going to have the most influence on our kids, fathers who do not know what to say, or those, like these school officials, who have a firm plan and commitment to influence its students…despite their family’s values. Parents, it is time to get a plan…
Pr. 22:6 reveals two ingredients in the prescription for rearing children: first, the command, “Train up a child in the way he should go”; and second, the promise, “when he is old he will not depart from it.”

The command includes:
The concept of training—“Train up.”
This does not denote corporal punishment but rather includes three ideas:
Dedication—this is the consistent meaning of the word in its other Old Testament occurrences (Deut. 20:5; 1Kin. 8:63; 2Chr. 7:5). Child training must begin with dedication of the child to God; the parent must realize that the child belongs exclusively to God and is given to the parent only as a stewardship.
Instruction-- this is the meaning of this word as it is used in the Jewish writings; the parents are to instruct or cause their children to learn everything essential in pleasing God.
Motivation—this is the meaning of the word in Arabic, as it is used to describe the action of a midwife who stimulates the palate of the newborn babe so it will take nourishment. Parents are to create a taste or desire within the child so that he is internally motivated (rather than externally compelled) to do what God wants him to do.

If the command has been kept, the promise can be claimed. The promise includes the time of realization—“when he is old”—this is best understood as being parallel with “a child,” hence, “when he is independent,” i.e., no longer economically dependent upon his parents, referring to the time when he leaves their home to establish his own. The promise includes the certainty of realization—“he will not depart from it.” If the command has been kept, the promise will be realized. If the command has not been kept, the promise will not be realized. Rearing children is not an overnight occurrence; it takes careful forethought and conscious obedience of the part of the parents. (John Hagee Prophecy Study Bible, p. 741)

My point in 'blogging' about this is for all of us to ask

Where are the parents?

And...

Who has the influence over our children???

I love to see how God has turned my fear over "the end of times" to peace in the time being given. God will direct our paths if we allow Him to do so. God will come to us and forgive us, when we ask. Today I am asking God to give me HIS wisdom when it comes to teaching the children he has blessed us with. I simply cannot aford to rely on the school system to teach my children the 'rights and wrongs' in this life. I cannot expect the school system to educate my children on Gods plan for their lives. I cannot expect the school system to TRAIN my child in the ways of the Lord, so that when they are grown they will not depart from Him. This is something that God is trusting us, the parents, to do for our children. I know that I cannot waste time in asking those "what if" questions..ex: "what if my parents taught me about God...what if I grew up in a stable church" etc. Instead, I must focus on today..not yesterday and not even tomorrow. I must come to the feet of Christ every morning and throughout the day to seek HIS guidence on how he wants me to raise these girls. I must seek his love and mercy when pain and sorrow sets in. I must reach to Him for strength when I am confused and/or weak. I ask that you could please keep my family in your prayers as we seek to make changes in our lives for the sake of God. I pray that we continue to seek His guidence when it comes to training our children and that we don't continue to allow the world to make our parenting choices for us....I pray for Gods peace for each and everyone of you on this glorious day...

In His love,
Kelly

5 Months and 3 Days

2009-01-02T08:33:00.000-08:00

Cheyenne Hope...

Today you are 5 months and 3 days old. To most people that doesn't sound very exciting - just another ordinary day - but to us this marks a very bittersweet day in our lives.

Tomorrow you will officially be older than your "big" sister Liberty.

I look down at you and feel the weight of you in my arms and my heart is taken back to October 27, 2007..the last time I held her in my arms.. Your big sister was so teeny-tiny, so precious and so very loved. I look at you and think of her. I stare into your eyes and wonder if there is a part of her inside of you. Oh how I love you sweet Cheyenne..I am amazed at how much you have grown in the past 5 months. You have grown a whopping 7 inches and have gained 7 pounds since birth. We have been blessed with so many "firsts" with you that we never got to experience with Libby...Your first laugh, your first time rolling over, your first attempt at sitting up, your first day in your jumperoo, your first taste of baby food, your first Halloween, your first Christmas, your first New Years...We have had the pleasure of seeing you sleeping peacefully inside your crib, surrounded by beautiful pink and brown walls. We have been blessed with witnessing the interaction you have with Aspen --- nobody can make you laugh like Aspie! We have grown to know your likes and dislikes. We know your temperament. We know the particular way you like to be held and the best ways to calm you. We have seen you develop with leaps and bounds. We have seen you shy away from strangers and cuddle sweetly with your daddy. We have heard you squeal in delight and laugh with great joy!

It brings tears to our eyes when we think of all we missed out on with your precious big sister..but we praise God for the joy we have found in watching you and Aspen Lee grow.

In my heart I know there will forever be moments of sadness when we think of the things we had hoped to see Liberty do...We have already had many of "these" moments -

*watching Aspen at her first dance class, riding her first bike, learning her ABC's, now swimming lessons start next week, kindergarten is right around the corner and many more firsts yet to come.

Though we never had the opportunity to witness these things with your sister we will forever be thankful for what we did have with her. We had 8 months during the pregnancy with her..feeling her kick and move, watching my tummy grow, feeling the love within our hearts expand. We had a few months filled with memories that nobody can take away from us. We heard her first cry, held her hand and loved her with the deepest passion we have ever known. We won't get to see her dance and sing, we wont get to teach her how to count or take her to swimming lessons, we won't get to teach her to drive her first car or walk her down the aisle..but through our loving savior we are guaranteed to spend eternity with her! Praise God for His mercy and His faithfulness to see us through this unexpected journey....

Lord we will do our best to honor you and be thankful for all you have provided for us in this life. We simply do not deserve the things we have been blessed with yet your love knows no limits. Thank you for the sweet memories we have with Liberty and for the memories we have yet to make with each other and our girls. Thank you for the peace I am feeling today. Thank you for giving us the chance to see Cheyenne make it to 5 months and 4 days old tomorrow! We love you and praise your holy name! You are amazing and your love endures forever and ever...Amen!

To My Daughters

2008-12-23T18:48:00.000-08:00

Dear Aspen Lee, Liberty Lee and Cheyenne Hope,

My darling little girls. So sweet, so pure, so beautiful.

It's officially the eve before Christmas eve, 2008. I often sit in total peace and think about the 3 of you. I am brought to my knees time and time again, thanking our Father above for blessing me in such wondrous ways. I am amazed at the way God is using each of you girls to mold me into a better mother. Through you I can feel God speaking to me. Through you I can see a beautiful future. Through you I am thankful for today.

Aspen, precious Aspen. You are amazing. You hold so much life inside of you. You are so much fun to be around. Daddy says that you are my twin..and I am honored to share this nickname with you. We both have a 'fire and ice' type of personality... When we are happy we are extremely happy...and, when were not, were not! I am thankful for the giddiness we share. I am thankful for your sweet and tender heart. You have a passion for helping others. You love to laugh and want everyone around you to do the same. You are so shy in front of strangers, yet so outspoken around your family and friends. We are blessed to know each and every part of you Aspen. We are blessed to know that you like to dance..when nobody else is watching. We are blessed by the sweet songs and tales that flow from your mouth. We are blessed by your prayers each day. You have a wonderful sense of adventure and you always look forward to tomorrow. You love your sisters dearly. Your heart breaks because you miss sweet Liberty oh so much, but you are thankful that we will be with her again. Through Libby's life and death you have learned much more than we ever expected. You are wise beyond your years little lady. You never take a moment for granted. You show love and affection to everyone around you, but especially towards your baby sister, Cheyenne. Watching you interact with her brings sweet relief to my soul. You are so caring and tender with her. I am thankful that you have one another - a friendship has already started to bloom between the two of you girls - a friendship that will last forever. I remember how your daddy and I longed and prayed for you. My joy was immense when we found out we were pregnant. Your daddy and I laughed and cried at the thought of holding you in our arms. Then God blessed us with your birth. May 8th, 2005 was certainly a day I will never forget. It was Mother's Day..you were born 8 weeks early..but you were by far the best Mother's Day Present I could have ever asked for. You were so tiny and perfect. This tiny 3lb baby girl stole my heart with her very first breath - and I haven't been able to catch my breath since. Your beauty astounds me. Your eyes are as blue as the sea. Your charm and your wit never cease to amaze me. You are my first child...you made me a mother. Before you I didn't have the privilege of embracing the role of motherhood. I love you so much Aspie - you will forever be my little princess.

Sweet, sweet Liberty. Oh my precious little baby. My heart longs for you sweet girl. My heart aches from the pain of losing you and my arms yearn to feel you. I love you so much little angel. I don't know where to even begin to tell you about the love I feel for you. I desperately wish I could show you just how much I love you every single day. You came into our lives as a complete surprise! Your dear daddy and I were thrilled that our little family of 3 would soon turn to 4. We simply could not wait to meet you. We had no idea of the road that was up ahead. All we knew is that we loved you, from the very start we wanted and needed you in our lives. You are a blessing beyond anything my head can wrap around. You came into this world at a whopping 3lbs, 17 inches - you and your sister already had so much in common! We never could have guessed that you girls would be the same weight and length, especially considering you made it two weeks further in the pregnancy then Aspen did. Amazing how God ties things together! Liberty you are our little fighter. After your diagnosis the doctors were amazed that you made it through the pregnancy alive. You truly are a miracle! There had never been a similar diagnosis made on another baby...you were the first..."one in a million" holds true to you sweet baby! When the doctors explained to us that there had never ever been another baby born in this world with the same genetic makeup as you my mind started to spin. Instead of being distraught about the prognosis, or lack there of, God sent a gentle peace through my heart. Of all the mothers in this world who could have been blessed by your presence He chose ME! I was hand picked by God to be YOUR mother! Amazing. Absolutely amazing. I can still see your sweet face when I close my eyes. I can see your fair skin, your tiny hands, your chubby little feet, your wispy light brown hair, your deep blue eyes...I can remember the moment you were born. The sweet relief that filled the room after 22+ hours of labor. I remember my heart falling in love with you the moment you were placed in my arms. I was so proud and blessed to be your mommy. I had no idea how my world would be turned upside down, but in that moment life was perfect. I miss every single thing about you Liberty. I long to reach out and touch your skin, to feel you in my arms, to rock you at night after a warm bath, to share with you the love that God has for you..but you already know that -- you are blessed beyond measure right now, wrapped up in your Makers arms. Life is perfect for you and you so deserve perfection. Though my heart aches beyond what the dictionary could ever describe I would never choose to take you away from that sweet perfection...I wouldn't have the heart. Oh how I miss you and long to be with you right now, at this very moment - but I will do my best to rest assured that God has a plan in all of this. Gods plan for my life, for your life..is better than anything we could ever dream of, so I will march on, heartache and all, knowing that one day God himself will wipe the tears from my eyes. Liberty you will forever and always be my second born daughter - nobody will ever take that place from you. Aspen made me a mother, you helped to make me a better mother. You taught me how to love deeply, even when things were upside down, I loved you.. and I will continue to love you all the days of my life. You taught me patience..waiting for Gods perfect timing was a huge test of my own patience.. something that God continues to work on day after day. You taught me the importance of the "here and now" in this life. Because of you I have learned to show my love to others, knowing that tomorrow may never come. You blessed our marriage Liberty. Because of you, we are closer than we ever thought possible. Because of you I know that we will make it through anything. I could never love anyone as much as I love your father...he is the only person who loves you just as much as I love you - we have an irreplaceable bond now, and for that I am so very thankful. Because of you Aspen became a sister..and oh how Aspen loves to be your sister. She talks about your constantly. I know her heart longs to play with you in Heaven. Because of you, we have sweet little Cheyenne. When I hold her I can feel a piece of you in my arms..I smile and thank God for you every time I look at Cheyenne - knowing you had a piece in picking her out for our family! We love you and miss you so very much sweet baby. I am doing my best to pick up the pieces of my broken heart, every day trying to hand a little bit more over to our Heavenly Father, knowing that He is the ONLY one who can completely heal me and make me whole. I often think of your name. Liberty. Oh what a fitting name that was for you. We chose it long before we were even pregnant with you - but it couldn't have worked out any better. Liberty means; FREEDOM - you certainly have your freedom now sweet girl! Then during the days of planning for your funeral we learned that Libby means; SACRED TO GOD! What a true, true statement..you are so very sacred to God, and to us! We love you and we miss you sweetheart...Tender hugs and kisses...Til we meet again.

Oh my little "Cheye, Cheye..butterfly" - you are a joy like no other. You came 9 months and 3 days after your sweet 'big' sister went to Heaven. Talk about a "God send". You came into a family in the midst of deep sorrow and despair. You came when the seas of grief were tossing us about..through deep, dark, fierce waters... You are like our lighthouse. When we look at you we see Hope. We see Light. We find the strength to move forward. You have been in our arms for nearly 5 months, yet it feels like I have loved you forever. There was never an 'adjustment phase' with you - you came into our home and you fit perfectly. We love to love you. We love to watch you learn and grow. We are blessed by you. Though most of the world can only see a family of 4 when they look at us now, we know that because of you, we are a family of 5. Because of you Aspen has been blessed with the role of "big sister", which she truly enjoys. Cheyenne you are a "blessing and a 1/2" wrapped up in 13lbs! Your have the most beautiful smile I have ever seen..dimples that can melt the hardest of hearts. My heart can burn from the pain of losing Liberty and soar to the highest of heights at the same time, because of you! We were anxiously awaiting your arrival. Month after month we longed to hold you in our arms - then God blessed us with that wonderful day. Your labor and birth could be labeled as 'perfection'! You are amazingly peaceful..and for that reason I call you "daddy's twin". It takes a LOT to get your feathers ruffled. You love to be held and kissed, rocked and tickled. Your coos and giggles fill this house and make it a home! I am blessed to call you my daughter. I love you more and more with each passing day sweet girl. Precious Cheyenne, you have been a band aid to my heart. I love you. You are truly a blessing.

Merry Christmas sweet girls. Your daddy and I are blessed over and over again by your love, laughter and light! May God continue to cover you with His blessings and mercy..and may He continue to lead us to raise you girls to know and honor His ways.

Thank you Jesus. Thank you for all that you have done for each of us. We remember you and honor you during this special season. Because of you, we are saved!

Is it worth it?

2008-12-20T04:37:00.000-08:00

Well, I believe, in all of our excitement we have probably announced the news of our upcoming trip to Disney to the entire world...okay at least the 'world' immediately surrounding us! (wink, wink) And quite honestly I am amazed at how many people have had a negative response to this news. By their responses, you would think that we are asking THEM to take our children there for us!! LOL So many people are telling us it's just a waste of money, especially because the girls won't remember anything...

The more I thought about these comments the more I wanted to comment back to them...of course most of them don't read my blog, but it's always nice to 'get stuff off your chest'..so just bear with me here!

This is the way we look at the whole "they won't remember it" comment, NOT just about Disney, but about anything in life.

Children typically don't remember anything during their first few years of life. They don't remember their birth, their first words, their first steps, their first birthday, maybe not even their second, third or fourth birthdays...but does that mean we should not celebrate these things? Would we ever say "lets not celebrate when he/she uses the potty for the first time because he/she won't remember it anyway"? Or would we ever say "lets not bother teaching our children about the Bible, they will probably forget most of it by tomorrow anyway"? I pray that this would NOT be the case in our way of thinking.

This whole topic really touches home for us. Aspen had literally just turned 2 years old when Liberty was born. We had no idea of the road that was in front of us upon her arrival. Liberty was in the hospital 4 out of her 5 months and 3 days. During her hospital stay I can remember Aspen visiting her maybe 3-4 times, mainly because Liberty was so very sick. Then in October when we brought Liberty home, Aspen continued to stay with my parents because caring for Liberty was round the clock care. During that month my mom brought Aspen out to see Liberty a few times, but she only stayed for an hour or two each time because we didn't want Aspen to witness her baby sister struggling for her life. I remember constantly thinking "will Aspen remember that she had a baby sister?"....It's been over a year since Liberty passed away and Aspen remembers more about Liberty than almost everyone else. She remembers that Liberty never really cried, that she only had a tiny bit of hair so we couldn't put bows in it (we had to use headbands instead), she remembers that she got milk through her tummy because she couldn't use a baby bottle, she remembers that Libby was in the hospital for a very long time and that the last time she saw her she was sleeping in her cradle (which was at the funeral). She even remembers the dress Liberty was wearing that day. Of course there are some things I wish Aspen couldn't remember...but in her own little way she has helped me through my grief with these memories. For example; a couple of months ago I was crying in my bedroom, holding a pair of Libby's pink shoes in my hands. Aspen came to me and said "don't be sad mommy, Libby's in heaven now..she doesn't choke anymore" --- I was very touched but shocked by this comment. I had already forgotten that Liberty used to choke all the time and I was around her 24/7. Aspen was rarely around her and remembered this terrible truth. And when I say choke, I mean she would nearly die in my arms over and over again..it was awful and terrifying -- which is why we didn't want Aspen to see her. But somehow she remembers all of this. Some of you may be thinking "well this was traumatic for her, of course she will remember this" - but what if she didn't remember it? What if she had no recollection that Liberty was ever here? What if she thought Cheyenne was her only sister? Would that mean that Liberty was not worth investing our time in? Does that mean that it was pointless and useless? All because Aspen "didn't or couldn't" remember any of it? Of course not! Even if Aspen didn't remember any part of Liberty we would still have our own memories of her.

Of course teaching your children about the Bible, having a child/then losing a child, and going to Disney world are TOTALLY DIFFERENT circumstances. I am NOT trying to put any of these things on the same platform whatsoever. What I am saying is maybe we should consider reevaluating what we consider 'worth while'. Many of you may be right, Aspen and Cheyenne might not remember anything from this trip, but does that make it pointless to go? We might spend this money, come back home and ask them what they thought of the trip only to get "what trip" as a response...but you know what, that's okay with me. In my eyes this life is worth living. Liberty left this life quickly but I am so very thankful that we took an "all hands on, no regrets" approach to the time we shared with her. I certainly can't remember every single day I spent with her, but I am certainly grateful for the things I do remember!

So yes, we probably are nuts for wanting to take a 4 year old and a 14 month old to Disney world next October, but one thing I am certain of...I will NEVER forget the time we will spend together - and I am pretty certain that Aspen will never forget sending her baby sister balloons from "Cinderella's Castle"!

Thanks to those of you who are praying for us...

Thanks to those of you who are offering to help share tips and tricks of "the greatest place on earth"...

And to those of you who think we have lost our minds..you might be right but we are privileged to be in the center of this chaos! lol

Look what Disney is doing for my birthday!!!

2008-12-18T19:40:00.000-08:00

This is such a cute video! This was so nice of Disney to throw me a birthday party for 2009!!! What a blessing!!!!

P.S. be sure to actually click the play button because it won't automatically start!

Thanks Kelly for the cute video! lol

"THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH"

2008-12-18T12:09:00.000-08:00

Okay, well it's official..I am NOT good at keeping up with this bloggin' business! Things have been super busy around here lately, which often leaves my mind so jumbled that I can't concentrate long enough to 'chat' about anything!

Anyway! The newest of news is that we are planning our very first vacation with the girls! That's right..we are going to Disney World. It's funny to see the reaction of others by this news. Some offer excitement and joy others simply cringe and say "glad I'm not in your shoes". This often leaves me 'scratching the old noodle'. How on earth could someone not want to go to Disney?? Hello it IS only "THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH"!

Okay, okay..so I wasn't quite so on board when we began tossing this idea around a few months ago. In fact, I was totally against the idea. The thought of flying alone can cause me to have a nervous breakdown..but traveling with a 4 year old and a 14 month old - YIKES. I certainly had my 'thinking cap on' when this conversation started. I thought of every single reason why we SHOULDN'T go. Money, my fear of flying, money, traveling with two little ones, getting a rental car, money, what about getting car seats to Florida...did I mention the cost??? I even played the "Cheyenne's too young, she won't remember it" card..He wouldn't allow that one to be played. You see, Aspen is in this very sweet, tender stage of her life - she wholeheartedly believes that SHE is a PRINCESS. She believes that SHE IS JUST LIKE Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, Snow White, Ariel, etc..there simply NEVER would be a BETTER time to take her to this fairytale land than now...I can already see her eyes as she sees the castle for the first time! That in itself would make the entire trip worth while! Anyway, Brett insisted we continue to think about it despite all of my well thought out fears. I honestly had already made up my mind about this 'trip'..aka; wild idea that Brett came up with on a whim one day! And the more I thought about it the more my heart became open to the idea of the whole entire thing...money, stress and all.

Last night we talked about it a little bit longer and we finally came to our final decision...in October of 09 we are headed to Disney! We have already found a condo that we can rent through a military website for $329 for the entire week, so that was a big step in the right direction. And of course we told Aspen and Cheyenne of our great family adventure that is a "measly" 10 months away! Cheyenne was absolutely thrilled..she smiled from ear to ear (never mind the fact that she does that EVERY time we talk to her) oh and then there was Aspen..oh my is that child ever excited about all of this!?! She cannot wait to see "Cinderella's Castle and her glass slipper" so I hope that the glass slipper can be found somewhere in that place! lol She has already started making "tickets" to get into the castle, along with cards for each of the princesses, Mickey, Minnie, Donald and Goofy!

Then we moved on to talking about flights...ugh, my stomach sinks every time we speak of this..no matter if we are going to "THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH" or not. I have always had a fear of flying, ever since I was a little girl. Then when Sept. 11Th happened I swore that I was done with planes forever..little did I know I would be hopping on one to fly over the ocean to get to Jamaica to marry my sweet honey. Then when we were pregnant with Liberty, Brett won a trip at work, so we flew to Cancun - that was an awful experience because I was seated by complete strangers for all of the flights except for one. Not fun when you are pregnant, nauseous, and terrified! Again, I said I wouldn't do that again..Then to top all of this off my sweet honey is an Air Traffic Controller, so he comes home from work and tells me about all the 'close calls' that happened throughout the US today! So it's no wonder why I cringe at the thought of flying. Then to throw two beautiful, lively little girls in the mix..yikes. I just don't know about this. We have talked and prayed, prayed and talked..and came up with a solution to many of our little dilemma's - and, that would be to drive there. Again..YIKES! That would be one long, long drive from KC to "THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH" - but Brett is all on board for this possibility. He brought up the fact that it would be so fun to travel, that we would be able to show the girls so many exciting things on the trip down there, that we wouldn't have to worry about hauling car seats through an airport, that we wouldn't have to worry about losing our luggage on the flight, that we wouldn't have to ride on buses to and from "THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH", that we wouldn't be confined to our condo at night, etc. The list went on and on. I was so very thankful that I have such a supportive and understanding husband. I believe many men would have told me to "suck it up" and would have laughed at the thought of driving that far with two little girls..but not my sweet honey - he's up for anything! To him, everything can be an exciting memory! So we are still tossing the idea back and forth on whether to drive or fly. Then we came up with another idea.. what if grandma and grandpa (Brett's parents) went on the trip with us??? I believe that with their help I could swallow my fear and jump on a plane, rush through the airport with the kids to catch our next flight, etc. They haven't decided yet --- but they also haven't said no! So we are keeping our fingers crossed. :o)

Brett and I are really excited about this trip. It will be our first, real family vacation..and a much needed one I might add. We wanted to go in October because Brett has 9 days off..the 27th is Libby's angel day, the 28th is my b-day and of course there is Halloween --- plus there won't be the typical "spring breakers"! Also, it might not be as hot...so we are putting the pieces together, bit by bit. We have already decided that we will all release balloons from "THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH" to our sweet angel in "THE HAPPIEST PLACE OF ALL"!!! We can't wait for this little bit of excitement - it will be a memory of a lifetime to see her balloons floating away from Disney. This year for her 1st anniversary we just stayed in town and did fun things with Aspen - however during that week we decided that next year would have to do something even more exciting. I believe that we will ALWAYS be sad and cry on her "Angel day" but I also want to remind ourselves that we are still here, that God has blessed us with this time together, so we still need to enjoy it..so from here on out we plan on taking a family vacation every year in October!

As you can tell..I'm pretty pumped about the possibilities!!! Very exciting stuff to look forward to for our little bitty family! We would love to hear any tips and tricks from those of you who have already ventured to Disney before! And please continue to keep us in your prayers as we get through these last few weeks of December....COME ON JANUARY!!!

Thank you all for your love and support, through all of our ups and downs..each and everyone of you are amazing in my eyes! God bless you all

Just a question...

2008-12-16T20:00:00.000-08:00

Hi everyone,

I was wondering if you could help me to find a good program that will help teach Aspen to learn to read. I have started researching some programs already. So far I have found some good reviews on the Sing, Spell, Read and Write program! Have any of you used this program or one like it?

These programs are so very pricey so I want to spend time researching and praying about it before we purchase anything.

Any information would be great!!!! Thanks so much for your continued help and prayers.

As for the other aspects of daily life..please continue to pray. I have had a rough time lately..simply missing my sweet girl - but we are doing our best to take it one day at a time. We have decided that we will celebrate Christmas early this year. Aspen opened up her gifts from my parents last night - of course, everything was a big hit with her. Cheyenne loved the tissue paper and the sounds that came when she crumbled it..she also sat up on her own for quite some time before tumbling over into daddy's hands! It's hard to believe she is already 4 1/2 months old!! It goes SO quickly! We are having Brett's family over on Saturday evening for dinner and gifts..then on Sunday Aspen and Cheyenne will get to see what little surprise "Santa" left for them...then the Christmas stuff is coming down. Im not quite sure why I am feeling this way this year, as this is technically our 2nd year without Liberty. It just feels so raw to me this year..so very real. Looking at the tree and the special ornaments for Liberty, her stocking hung on our fireplace, the little tree at the cemetery are all too much to bear right now, so we are going to slowly start taking it all down this weekend. Brett has to work Christmas eve and Christmas morning as well, so I want it to feel like just another day in this house since we will be missing two members of our family. Plus I think it will be a great reminder of the true meaning of Christmas without the distraction of the glitter and gifts. One day at a time...that's the best we can do right now. It's nearly 10:30pm, Brett will be coming home from work any time now..please join me in prayer for his safe arrival. It's like a "Winter Wonderland" here --- we got tons and tons of snow, as well as some ice...it's beautiful to look at - but certainly scary to drive in!

Anyway! I can't wait to hear about any reading programs you have used before or ones that you are currently using! So far I have checked out "Your baby can read", "Hooked on phonics" and "Sing, Spell, Read and write" (which had the best reviews so far)....

Thanks SO much! God bless...

Does anyone remember her???

2008-12-11T17:00:00.000-08:00

Tonight my mom came to visit us..but before the visit she stopped by the cemetery to have some "Libby time". I was glad that she got to spend some time with her sweet grand baby tonight. It made my heart smile when I thought of her out there talking and sharing with little Libby, all the while decorating up the tree we placed beside her grave. I am sure she cried her eyes out, but as she left she probably praised God that she is safe and sound in His arms...because that's just how my mom works.

Before my mom left this evening, to head back home, she wanted to go back to the cemetery to see the lights on Liberty's little tree. I picked up two new ornaments this afternoon so I decided it would be nice to ride out there with my mom. As we were driving I thanked her for even thinking to stop by cemetery while she is out here visiting us. We live an hour away from my parents, but she still makes time to remember our girl. This means the world to me.

It breaks my heart to think that my mom is the only one who has EVER taken the time to go out to the cemetery (other than us). The day that we got the headstone placed we sent out an email to our family and friends with directions to the cemetery. In this email we told them that they could feel free to go any time on their own, or we could go out there with them...It kills me to say that nobody has gone out there. Liberty has aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, great-grandparents, family friends, etc and not one person has taken the time to go out there. I know that we should not expect 'certain things from certain people'..nor can we force certain things onto certain people...but I can't help but think this would be an exception to that rule.

My heart aches daily for my girl..as a mother I long to be with her, to hold her, to kiss her, to love on her. Instead I have to take her flowers, stuffed animals, Christmas tree's, etc to leave beside her grave. I am deeply hurt that nobody even cares to remember her, to remember us, during this difficult time..to take 10 minutes out of their hectic day to go 'visit' her, to see the beautiful headstone we designed just for her, to simply step back and think about this precious little soul who was taken from us too soon.

The past year I have kept my mouth shut. I have brushed aside the hurt and frustrations of the things that happened (or didn't happen for that matter) while she was here. Family and friends continue to nag us on the way we are handling things..how we are 'not there for them', how we are being selfish and rude..but tonight it became to much for me to bear. I bawled while talking to my mom tonight, telling her how much it bothers me that NOBODY has gone out there. How bad it hurts that nobody is calling to check in on us. That nobody even mentions her name. I told her that if this would have been one of my nieces or nephews I would have made a point to go to the cemetery and visit them and that I assumed the same would have been done for our daughter. My heart hurts because I feel like nobody cares. The people closest to us have moved on..without us..without our daughter. Life is back to normal for everyone now but we are still surrounded in this mess, with nobody left to support us, to help us on our way.

I just wish that someone would go out there to that cemetery and visit her. That someone would take the time to view her special monument in person. That someone might take some flowers or a little stuffed animal out there in memory of her. That someone would pick up the phone during this busy holiday season just to let us know that we are thought of and being prayed for..That someone would utter my child's name again. Oh how I long to hear LIBERTY or LIBBY from someone else's lips.....I can feel my heart cry out for that sweet sound..........

Im so broken tonight....

So lonely and confused....

I can't help but wonder...

"Does anyone remember her"

Not what I expected...

2008-12-10T12:17:00.000-08:00

Hello everyone,

Sorry it's been so long since my last post. Those of you who know what grief feels like also know what it feels like when you enter a "valley". That's where I am at. I am in a valley with my grief trailing along right beside me.

The past few weeks have been terribly hard. This is our second Christmas without Liberty, yet in a way, it feels like the first. Last year the holidays came and left in such a blur - this year they are just creeping along. I feel as though we will never make it to January. My heart aches. I miss my sweet girl so very much, more than any dictionary could even define.

We decided to place a tree at Liberty's grave the other day. The initial thought was fine. The way it played through my head was fine..but the actual placing of the tree was anything but fine. I felt so much anger and rage. First of all we got out to the cemetery too late - it was already dark. So here we are, trying to 'decorate' this silly tree by the light of my headlights! Then a few of the ornaments got stepped on and broke..and of course it was windy and freezing cold. As if all of this wasn't quite enough my heart was not in the mood for any of this. Instead of lovingly decorating her special little tree I was bitter and angry. I basically just threw it all together and jumped in the car and pouted the rest of the way home. Poor Brett always has to ride my emotions out. One moment he can sneak a smile from me then the very next moment I am bawling my eyes out. This was certainly NOT one of those days - I was just angry through and through. I finally just shouted..."I DON'T WANT A STUPID TREE! I WANT MY DAUGHTER!" -- and in our house stupid is a big NO-NO! So Aspen let me have it on that comment! lol

I remember when Liberty was so very sick all I could pray was for God's will to be done. I felt as though I could pray until I was blue in the face..I wanted God to heal her, but I also knew that His idea of healing her might not be my idea of healing her and making her whole. So I always just prayed for His will to be done and for us to have the strength to accept whatever that might mean...During all of this I remember thinking "grief won't be too bad. Nothing can be worse than watching her suffer like this" - I had NO idea just how much this would hurt. I had no idea much I would miss her. I had no idea how often my mind would focus on the fact that she is gone instead of focusing on the fact that she is healthy and whole now. I had no idea that I would cry at the drop of a hat in the middle of public place for no reason at all. I had no idea that Christmas would be so hard...that simple things like decorating the house, baking cookies, or hearing carolers would break my heart over and over again. But that's right where I am at these days.

Last Friday night we took Aspen to the "Singing Christmas Tree". It's a huge performance put on by a very large church in the area. The tree is made up of 100+ choir members, standing on bleachers, wearing beautiful gowns, lined up in the shape of a tree, with lights, garland, etc. Absolutely breath-taking! We walked into the church, found our wonderful seats, and I broke down. I literally lost it. I was sobbing. It was all just too much. I looked at that tree. I saw babies and children surrounding us. I saw the spirit of Christmas everywhere, but still my heart was broken. We were supposed to be in this performance 2 years ago...but then just weeks before the opening night, I found out that I was pregnant. We decided to withdraw from the choir at that time because I was terribly sick with all day sickness. I knew that standing 50+ feet in the air for an hour and a 1/2 would not be to wise on my part. I was disappointed that we were unable to join our newly found friends for this performance, but also knew that I had to do what was best for our sweet miracle that was on the way. Little did I know, that just two years later, I would be staring up at this same 'tree' crying for that very same baby. I am sure people probably thought I had lost my mind, but I couldn't stop the tears.. every thing made me think of Liberty..the songs, the tree, the children dancing, the music, the crowd..everything. We finally left and I felt exhausted - really didn't expect to feel that way at such an 'uplifting' event, but that's just how grief works I suppose!

So this is the reason I haven't written in a little while - I feel too lost to write. I feel that my mind is barely functioning enough to get through the day to day events to write anything profound to anyone who stumbles across my blog.

I have to share a sweet story with you that took place last night...

I was watching the Billy Graham Christmas special, while rocking Cheyenne to sleep. Steven Curtis Chapman was on there, talking about his sweet little girl and how they have survived their own grief the past few months..of course this got the tears flowing! (I know, doesn't take much these days) Well I was sitting there in the chair, rocking sweet Cheyenne, tears rolling down my face when Aspen says "oh mommy, what's wrong? Why are you so sad tonight?" - I can barely speak by this point.. you know how it is when you are sad, but you just lose it when someone asks you why!?! Well I mumble to her that I am just missing our little Liberty tonight. She stops what she is doing, crawls into my lap and settles her head on my chest and says "oh mommy I miss her too, every day.." then she wipes my tears from my face and says "I have a great idea mom. How about we ask Santa to bring us each a pair of wings?" - "what do we need wings for Aspen"..."silly mommy, so we can fly to Heaven and see Libby!!" - Of course this really got me bawling!!!!!! I just love the simple way children think - they are so tender and so loving. Then she continues on to say "mommy it would be the best vacation ever! We could stay for two whole weeks"!! All I can say to that is PRICELESS!

So there you have it! lol That's the story inside my little home right now...just praying for strength to survive the next few weeks. I pray that you are all doing well, please keep in touch and thank you for your continued prayers! God bless you all!

PS - Here is a sweet little picture of Miss Cheyenne Hope! 4 months old

When to say goodbye..?

2008-12-02T17:10:00.000-08:00

Okay ladies...

When do you 'know' that it's time to move on from a friendship? The past few years have been filled with challenges and changes for our family. We have faced many ups and downs, especially with dear Liberty. God continues to bless me with new faces. I love how He works all things out for our good, but sometimes I think that we have to trust his judgement and say goodbye to things that are currently in our lives. Brett and I have done a lot of 'soul searching' along this journey. We have seen friends come and go the past few years. This certainly hasn't been easy, but God never fails to bring someone new into the picture.

We have also looked around the house..searching high and low for things that might hinder our walk with Him. We have found things such as tv, movies, music, books and many material possession's that have caused us to stumble over and over again, so we started weeding these things out. Tonight this made my mind wander...what about friendships? When do we need to evaluate our friendships? I understand that God places people into our lives for a reason and often times for a 'season', but how do you know when that season is over? And and I also know that we are supposed to love and support one another in a way that allows Christ to shine through.

I have a hard time of letting go of things. I will admit that I am not the first to jump on board for change. I like to think, think, think before I act. I have never really been the type to jump in..instead I like to test the waters and slowly creep in. This causes problems on some aspects of my life. Sometimes I think I miss out on a great opportunity because I spend so long thinking! Other times I am so afraid of change that I just stay put. This is very true of my past relationships. I would stay put no matter how bad the circumstances..I didn't want to let anyone down and I was afraid of the changes that would take place if I did walk away. Through Miss Liberty we have met a whole new set of people...people we would have never met otherwise. I am blessed for these people (all of you included) because you all bring something wonderful to the 'table'. There are people who are great at hospitality. There are those who you can call day or night when you are in a bind. There are others who just listen. And still others who offer advice and direction. But what happens when things just aren't 'clicking' anymore. What happens when things just don't feel right or comfortable or safe? How do you know when you should continue to offer love or when it's best to let go and pray from the sidelines?

I am blessed that God led me to this blog. I am blessed that I have all of my girlfriends on this blog that I can turn to..when I am hurting, when I am excited, when I am confused and need guidance. So tonight ladies...I come to you and ask for your help. Have you had to let go of friendships (with coworkers, family, etc) of any sort? If so, how did you know when it was time? How can you leave the friendship peacefully? And how do you move on from relationships without feeling guilty?

I have a feeling that just like God places people into our lives for a reason, sometimes we have to let them go for a reason...Anybody ever felt this way??

I pray that you ALL are having a BLESSED night and thank you in advance for helping me during my confusion...Brett's lucky tonight, he is at work and not having to listen to me going back and forth like this!?! ha ha

God bless.

The Mother Letter

2008-12-01T11:14:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure if any of you have done this or not. I actually came across this a few weeks ago. It's called The Mother Letter. To make a long story short..a man and wife have agreed to go give away all of their "Christmas gift money" this year. Instead they are coming up with creative ways to 'make' gifts for one another. This husband has been anonymously collecting stories to give to his wife from other mothers. To read more about it click here

I think writing this was very therapeutic. I plan on printing it off and reading it whenever I feel discouraged as a wife and a mother. I just pray that it blesses the other mother it was intended for. I know that no two mothers are the same, just like no two families are the same..but our God is ALWAYS the same. I pray that through my letter other mothers can find comfort in the job God has placed in front of them. God is always here for us, no matter the circumstances..we just have to learn to listen to Him!

Here is the letter that I wrote;

Dear Precious Mother,

It's 3am and your lamp is still burning brightly. Your eyes are tired and heavy. Your body is worn out. Your spirit is exhausted. You look at the clock and realize that you have to 'get up' in 2 hours though you have yet to go to sleep. You look around and notice the 'to do list' that never got accomplished from the day before. There are letters that should have been mailed out last week. The laundry is stacked to the ceiling. The floors need to be mopped. The bathrooms need to be scrubbed. The toys need to be picked up..the list goes on and on through your spinning mind. Just as tears start to fill your tired eyes, you hear the sound of your precious baby in your arms. You look down and see this precious little soul, softly nestled close to your chest. You press your lips on her forehead... the fever is gone. Your sweet baby is finally fast asleep. You don't move an inch, you don't want to risk waking her. You know that your day is about to begin again, though it never really ended. You know that you will move through the coming hours completely exhausted and in a fog, but none of that matters...all that matters is that tiny, helpless little soul resting peacefully in your arms. You rock her gently and begin to think of all the dreams you have for her. You think of the day she learns to sit up. You think of chasing after her as she crawls down the hall. You think about her first words and her first steps. You think of her first birthday, then her first day of school. You think of her future husband and the wedding of her dreams. You think of the grand babies she will one day place inside your empty arms. Then this tiny wonder wiggles in your arms and brings your mind back to reality..Her little whimper reminds you that those dreams will never come to pass. You look at your precious girl and think of those dreams..you long for her to grow into the beautiful little toddler, girl and woman you hoped for her to become. Your heart aches for the future but you cannot let it settle there - you have to concentrate on today. You have to think about the precious life presented to you right here and right now. You have to soak up every single moment of this baby girl before it's too late. Your mind fears what is yet to come, but your heart settles on what you have been blessed with this far.

For 5 months you cared for this precious child day in and day out...never wanting to give up, never asking for something better, or something different..only praying for Gods will to be done. For months on end you sat by your child's hospital bed, watching her cry out in agony...knowing that you could never fully take away all the pain that has taken over her helpless body. You desperately want to hold this daughter you dreamed of, but knowing that holding her would only cause her more pain, you resist the temptation. You let her rest, alone, on that hospital crib...but you stay near. You pray over her day in and day out. You pray for healing. You pray for miracles. You pray for Gods will to be done. You touch her tiny hand, wrapping your fingers around hers. You take hundreds of pictures. Trying to capture every single moment of her life, good or bad, so that you have something to bring your mind back to that moment in time. You stand up for her and fight for her well being. You are her only advocate. Nobody loves that precious girl as much as you do mother..nobody other than God could ever feel the way you do when you look into her tired eyes. Your heart breaks for her..for the pain she endures, for the way her body is fighting. You don't allow your heart to break for your own pain...all that matters right now is her. You play her favorite cd filled with beautiful tunes that lull her to sleep every night. You wash her ever so carefully, then massage her aching body. You wrap her in tiny pajama's then admire her beauty..all 'snug as a bug in a rug'. You tell her how much you love her. You tell her how much more God loves her. You tell her that she is doing great, she is such a fighter, but reassure her that it's okay if she cannot fight any longer. You touch her sweet face. You run your fingers through her wispy hair, trying to remember the texture and the color. You look into her eyes.. totally helpless, totally dependent upon you. You don't see fear or frustration. You see peace..she must know something you don't know. She knows where she is going..she knows her time is coming to an end, she offers you love and strength through dark blue eyes. You lean in close to her, you kiss her head, her cheeks, and her pink little lips. The doctors have done all they can do..they send you home like it's just another day..but it's anything buy ordinary to you. You are going home..You should be happy to take your precious child home after a 4 month hospital stay, but this is anything but a happy occasion. You are going home...

To say goodbye.

These memories flood your mind as you rock back and forth with that sweet baby in your arms. You try your hardest to remember those tiny 12lbs. in your arms..the way her weight feels, the way she fits perfectly in your loving embrace. You spend hours just trying to remember the scent of your baby right after her warm bath..the smell of powdered skin and baby lotion..a mothers perfect scent. You look down and you see bits and pieces of her father..you see images of her and her big sister laughing and dancing together in the years that were supposed to come. You look at her and you see yourself. You see the love of a family all wrapped inside this little soul. After 5 months and 3 days of fighting for her life, you little darling is letting go. Death looms over your baby..slowly taking her piece by piece..your heart throbs, and your stomach sinks. You knew this day was coming and now it's here. You don't want your sweet baby to suffer another moment but your heart longs to have her near. You arms need that weight. Your hands need to feel her skin. Your ears need to hear her taking one breath after another. Your nose longs for that sweet baby scent. You embrace your child..never putting her down for a moment. Nothing else in the world matters. As far as you know, the world has already stopped. You continue to find strength. You continue to hold on to hope. You continue to send prayers to the Father above. Prayers for a miracle. Prayers for healing. Prayers for strength and understanding. Prayers for His will to be done.

With that last breath, your daughter is gone. Your heart screams...it burns and feels as though it will burst. Tears fall from your eyes as you hold that lifeless body in your arms. You pray for God to take you right along with her. You pray but Gods answer is "no". And just like that our girl is an angel. Just like that we lost our baby girl. Just like that our 2 year old lost her baby sister. Just like that our 3 month old will never feel the hug of her big sister. Just like that our parents lost their granddaughter. Just like that life has been forever changed.

Mother, you are far from perfect. You never will find perfection inside your heart. Give yourself to others..give your whole heart to everyone that knows you. Shower your children in love and adoration. Bless your husband with love and understanding. Love on your neighbors. Lend a hand to a stranger. Every day focus on being a little bit less like yourself and little bit more like Jesus. Every day count your blessings and thank God for all that He has done in your life. Death stole your daughters body away, but God holds her spirit in His hands. Through Christ you will be reunited with that precious little wonder, you will hold her in your arms again someday. Make the most out of what you have been given. Cry when you need to cry. Laugh when you can and love always. Don't lose sight of hope...Your heart continues to beat even through the pain, so reach out to those who are hurting..rest in assurance that Gods plans for your life are bigger than anything you could ever plan for yourself. Smile because some people only dream of angels..you held one in your arms. Put one foot in front of the other each and every day because you have a God that loves you..every part of you. Rest in peace tonight knowing that God is good..all the time. All the time God is good.

In His Grace,
Kelly Turner
www.libertylee.blogspot.com (Praise in spite of pain)

P.S. (I wrote this letter to myself. I have been struggling with the pain of losing our precious 5 month old daughter, Liberty, in Oct. of 2007. I pray that this letter reminds you (and me) that God has blessed us with one of the most wonderful, rewarding, selfless jobs around... motherhood. Never take this job lightly...nobody on this earth will love those babies as much as you do. You are doing amazing - yes even through the chaos and stress - you are amazing! God bless you Mother!!!